I’ve never been a big Halloween guy. Even the best part about Halloween, the candy, was ruined by Halloween. You know exactly what I’m talking about. Before Halloween, the world was filled with full sized candy bars as far as the eye could see. But then Halloween got this horrible idea to ruin candy, by giving parents the excuse to give kids these new size options. They came up with new ways to use the word small, by inventing these abominations called Mini Twix, Fun Sized Musketeers, and Bite sized Snickers. Halloween started a competition to see who could get the smallest candy bars. Soon, the winner will be announced called the Microscopic Crunch bars, because they can only be seen or eaten by using a microscope.

What’s worse is that Halloween spread its horrible candy message to the other holidays, creating the slippery slope that has led to mini-candy tolerance for every Holiday. From the Mini Reese’s on Christmas, to the Easter M&M’s to the Thimble Sized Labor Day Jolly Rancher’s, we are getting smaller candy by the day. At first, I stood by and bitterly fumed, but allowed it to happen. If you read last week’s post, you might remember that I’m a bitter, introverted, claustrophobic that writes about such things that make me bitter, but I rarely do anything about it, because doing anything about it would mean interacting with other people.

I sat quietly on the sidelines, allowing the candy industry to slowly make candy tinier and tinier every year, giving us less satisfaction with every passing year. I let it burn slowly within me like a Halloween candle, the burned down to the nub, but right at the last second, touched some gasoline and burned the whole house down. My rage can no longer be contained. When the Mars company announced the Atom Sized Candy this year, I could no longer stay silent.

For this reason, I am announcing my walk for the President of the United States. Instantly, you can tell that I’m different from the other candidates, because they are all running. I believe running is too fast of a speed. Running causes heavy breathing, sore joints, and tiredness. That’s why most people that run for President get so tired and burn out. On the other hand, my walk for the Presidency is slower, but much less tired, because I can complete the marathon while walking. And sitting on the couch. I promise I won’t think on my feet, because I will be sitting on the couch. In fact, I promise to be the first sitting President that will actually do a lot of sitting.

The first sitting I will do is press conferences. Maybe on a couch, or a chair, but definitely not at a podium. If the press gets to sit down at press conferences, then I should also get to sit. I also plan to attend debates, but sitting down. The debate moderators get to sit, why would I not want to sit as well? I know as President, I will have access to the iconic resolute desk, which resides in the Oval Office. However, I find the more enticing furniture is the Resolute Couch, when I decide to come into work. I plan on working from home a lot. I understand that the nuclear launch codes are in the White House or something, but I can just email the codes in if necessary.

As far as the situation room goes, I have an unfinished basement. We have pretty good internet down there, a decent green screen and a pretty good camera setup down there. We can make anything you want happening in the background. If CEO’s can work from home, why shouldn’t the CEO of the country work from home too? Besides, Washington DC is pretty far away and I don’t like to travel to much for work. I’ll occasionally go to Scotland or Hawaii if needed, but for the most part, I’ll be working in the basement.

As one of the oldest candidates, other than the ones on the ballot right now, I get pretty tired. They both get tired too, but they won’t admit it. I believe that America deserves the truth. I get tired and I’m willing to admit it in front of all you. For that reason, the first law I will enact when I get into office is to give everyone an hour-long siesta at 2pm in their time zone. If countries around the world, such as Spain, Southern Europe, the Middle East and China, can do it, so can we. We need to be rested in the afternoon if we are going to have to read a bunch of boring policies all the time. Besides, studies show that there is a 37 percent reduction in coronary mortality of people that regularly siesta. If we want to be an example to the world, we need to be rested.

Besides, who hasn’t found themselves at least dozing off while being hypnotized by their computer cursors at work every day? I will be making it legal and mandatory that companies allow you to sleep on the job. How else are we supposed to be able to stay alert late at night playing video games, when we haven’t had our mid-day nap?

Speaking of video games, I pledge to make video games a huge part of my administration. Not only will we grow the video game industry by creating more jobs in that field, but we will use simulations in games to help us avoid world wars. Every American household will have the console of their choice and we will have monthly national video game competitions, as well as weekly chats over Xbox Live about the state of the country, while playing games. If we want to get inside the heads of our youngest Americans, we need to pwning newbs while talking about current events and the problems that our young people are facing.

I will also communicate with world leaders through video game chat. I will invite them on our servers for important discussions about NATO, world peace, global colding, and how we will defeat Gannon together in Zelda and the Breath of the Wild. I look forward to having tense, yet friendly discussions with world leaders like Putin, Xi and Jong Un while showing off my village in Animal Crossing, talking trade policies with them while trading my peaches for their apples, and talking important policies while also discussing the Cherry Blossom Festival with Tortimer, the Mayor of Animal Crossing. I believe this will lead to world peace.

Remember, early voting is going on right now, but if you can’t do it now, I ask you to vote for Bitter Ben on November 5th. I think they might have left me off the ballot, so you will probably have to write it in. While you are changing your vote to me, I humbly give you these Bitter Friday Giftures as a token of my bitterness…

Whose idea was it to go from…

To little baby…

I’ve let the smaller candy thing…

I was finally going to do something about it…

When I woke up…

Immediately…

I don’t understand why people run for President…

I plan on creating a national Siesta every day…

If it’s good enough for Spain…

How will we communicate with our young people?…

While pwning some newbs…

I will talk with world leaders over video game chat…

I will talk trade relations…

I arrogantly ask for your write-in vote…

ARRRGGGHHHHHHH

Bitter I’m Walking for President Ben