I like to call October, November and December the holiday quadrant of the year. Many believe that September is the beginning of it all, because some people start decorating for Halloween in September.

Every month in the holiday quadrant has a major holiday that people start celebrating extra early for, starting with Halloween, transitioning to Thanksgiving, and then moving to Christmas. The holiday quadrant is unique because you don’t ever see people starting to put up their leprechauns in Mid-February.

The holiday quadrant is also unique time, because almost everyone gets way too into the holiday of their choice. I know people that start planning their Halloween costume on November 1st, for the next year. Hallmark’s clear favorite is Christmas because they start running their thousands of Christmas movies in October. And if that isn’t enough, they run them all July too.

Most people associate the holidays with family, friends, get together’s, parties, celebrations, happiness and fun.

Not everyone does though. There is a particular set of people that do not like celebrations, parties and get togethers. Introverts, the bitter, and the claustrophobics.

Since I’m in all three of those categories, I do not like the holidays. It means that I have to get together with those that are closest to me. As a claustrophobic, I don’t like to be close to people, even to people that are close to me. As an introvert, I don’t like to be among people. As a person of bitterness, people being around gives me hundreds of more reasons to be bitter.

The Bottom line is that a person cursed with these afflictions has trouble with something simple like going to a crowded mall during the holidays. Too many people around me triggers my claustrophobia because of the less space. As an introvert, massive crowds lead to overstimulation and makes me want to run for the hills, where there are way less people. Except my hills would be indoor hills that I like to call a couch. And of course, thousands of people in a mall gives my bitter side a thousand more reasons to be bitter.

What does a bitter, claustrophobic, introvert to do about all this stress when it comes to the holidays? The first thing a bitter, claustrophobic, introvert should do is write a blog post to complain about it. That might help for a little bit, but only until he hits publish. Then, he has to figure out other relaxation techniques that might help him ignore people. Usually when he is sitting on the floor in the Siddhasana pose (criss-cross apple sauce holding your arms out, and touching your thumbs with your middle fingers, closing your eyes and chanting) it helps. Unless he is doing it in the middle of a crowded mall. I’ve been told that doing that might bring attention to a person, which I’ve heard that a bitter, claustrophobic, introvert doesn’t like.

Another thing that might work is this newish phenomenon called ASMR.

Until yesterday, I had no idea what the frick ASMR stood for. I had to look it up for my research for this post. Wikipedia says that it stands for Autonomous Sensory Meridian Response, and then defined it as a tingling sensation that typically begins on the scalp and moves down the back of the neck and upper spine. I define it as is this: A way for a bunch of girls to get attention by making sounds on their microphones and whispering on Tik Toks and Instagram Reels that gets them a lot of money.

If I was in charge of what it stood for, I would call it A Stupid Microphone gRift, or alternatively Rip-off.

As a creative, yet bitter, claustrophobic, and introverted person, it irks me that I have to work 50 hours a week, just to bring in the same amount in a year that an ASMR girl makes in a week. A person…that makes freaking noises on their freaking microphone. My brothers and I used to be called the Noise Boys, because we made a bunch of noise in our house. I believe that the ASMR ASSociation of Noise Makers owes us royalties for all noise we made back then.

Because I’m so bitter about this, I’ve decided that I’m going to invent an insanely stupid technique that promises a bunch of brainwashed people the kind of calm that they think ASMR does. In a few weeks, I will do a post about it, and start it trending on Tik Tok. Soon, you will all wonder how you lived your lives before you started listening to me do my GRIFT (patent pending) technique.

In the meantime, I’ll be laughing at all the comments of suckers that are talking about how GRIFTing changed their lives and how they started a GRIFTing class in their hometown and how it is going viral like the latest flu. Just to complete my GRIFTing grift, I’m going to do blog post about it, and people will believe it, because they read about it on the internet.

While I’m cooking up my plans to take away attention from ASMR, here are some Bitter Friday Griftures to enjoy…

Here it comes…

The time of the year…

Unlike the rest of the year…

The holidays can be stressful…

Like the…

The…

And the…

How does an introverted, bitter, claustrophobe…

By sitting in the Siddhasana…

But preferably….

Some people recently invented this new thing called ASMR…

But I actually think it stands for…

Since you can make up stuff and put it on Tik Tok to make money…

Coming soon…

AAAARRRRGGGHHHHH

Bitter ASMR Ben