Skill Tree BFG’s

Even though I lived in Seattle for 15 years, I never became a big fan of trees. I’ve certainly never hugged one like most of the people there did.

Yes, I’m fully aware that trees provide oxygen, they store our carbon dioxide and are a big part of the lore of forests. I’m also aware that dead trees are the biggest producers of wood. On the other hand, trees are one of the biggest causes of power outages (besides birds, which many people think are manufactured by the government to spy on us). They also house the previously mentioned birds, which is essentially housing dangerous spies. Trees also shed way more than cats, which I hate, because I have to clean up their mess every fall. They also drop branches all over the place, which are useless except for kindling for fires. If trees lived in our house, they would be harder to clean up after than my son and I, and trees just sit there pretending they can’t move so they don’t have to clean up after themselves.

Trees are also really greedy if you haven’t figured that out yet. As soon as they take root, they start a whole network of roots that go so deep inside the earth, that there is hardly any room for anything else but a bunch of earth worms. If it wasn’t for all those roots getting in the way, we’d be able to dig to China by now. Instead we have to take the slow boat or plane to China, instead of the shortcut through the center of the earth. Speaking of trips, have you seen how many times trees trip little kids? Or block the sun when you are trying to stare directly into it?

How about forests? Have you ever spent any time there? Trees basically dominate forests, hardly letting anything else have any space there. Especially the trees and forests in Harry Potter. The Whomping Willow is just about the biggest tool in that whole 7 book, 8 movie series. Besides Voldemort, the Forbidden Forest was probably the worst villain in the whole story, housing illegal magical creatures, huge spiders, centaurs and Voldemort himself. I’d be surprised if most of the trees weren’t haunted as much as the Whomping Willow.

We all know that trees are inherently evil, haunted, selfish and unpredictable. Yet somehow, we still revere them because we think they are necessary for life or something. So much so that in video games, most sophisticated games use something called a skill tree. It is the way that characters can level up their skills. The reason they call it a skill tree is because there are different “branches”, so the player can decide how they want to build their character. It gives them the illusion that are getting stronger in such areas as power, magic, and ability.

Honestly, I just think that the Tree President and the deep tree state is just using skill trees as propaganda to make themselves look better in the eyes of humans. Trees have both short-term and long-term plans to destroy us.

Their short-term plan is to take us out little by little, by the use of powerlines, falling on our cars, or destroying our houses. They are trying to get us to persuade us into wars, and such, so they can dominate the earth, figuratively and literally. Like I said, they are already taking out the earth with their roots.

Their long-term plan is to outnumber us, and outlive us, by teaching us such nonsense as “there aren’t enough trees” and “there are too many forest fires” and if you “cared about the earth, you would plant a tree” or “become a tree hugger”. They are trying to normalize trees and make them look useful.

I think we need to fight back by using their skill trees and leveling up ourselves. It is no longer viable to just be human. We need to become superhuman, giants, orcs, gods, demons, monsters, and magic users. If we can become more powerful by using the skill trees against them, we can live longer and take out trees once and for all. And if we adapt to become better creatures, we won’t need or depend on trees for life on this earth anymore.

Who’s with me? Let’s do more dangerous things, like get struck by lightning so we can become Thor, or come from different planets, so we can be Superman, or do dumb things in labs, so we can become the Flash. Or we can brood in caves, while thinking about our dead parents, so we can become Batman. We need to start messing with nature, so nature can mess with us back. Some of us might die, but let’s be honest, if we don’t die trying to become superhuman, trees will kill us. We need to start building our skill trees, or the skilled trees will be more skilled than our skill trees.

If that doesn’t work, I know they have a weakness. It’s fire.

While you are pondering how you’re going to level up your skill trees to combat the dangerous trees, I’ll leave these Bitter Friday Giftures for you…

About trees…