Donut ever do this to me BFG’s

It seems like centuries ago, but my 30th birthday was on a Friday and my wife graciously said that she would pick me up right after work, so we could go to a movie. I was excited to go to a movie, but it was a little odd that my wife wanted to pick me up right after work. She knows that I like to go home and lay on the couch for a few hours before I do anything, but I thought, what the heck? It’s my birthday, let’s get wild.

I should have known something was up, because she never wants to go to movies on the first day they come out. When we got home and I saw a whole bunch of cars at our house, I realized that she was just using the movie as a distraction for my surprise party, and let me tell you, I was seriously surprised.

She got me good too, because a few months before, I told her that for my 30th birthday, I wanted her to throw me a surprise party, which I always thought was a funny joke, because it’s ironic that you would plan your own surprise party. She doubled over with laughter, because it was such a great dad joke even though I wasn’t a dad yet. But then after a while, I forgot about it. It turns out she probably started planning for it that day.

She thought a few times that I figured her out, but she underestimated my ability to be oblivious to things that are completely obvious. I wasn’t meant to be a CSI or Sherlock Holmes. If I was even paying attention just a little, I probably could have figured it out.

As parties go, it was right up there with the Met Gala or an Oscar’s afterparty…for me. As you know, I hate parties with the white-hot passion of a thousand suns, but my parents were there (as a part of the surprise), and some cousins, a few neighbors and some church members that I knew. And they was some cake. By me barely tolerating it, it was an Oscar worthy party.

Some people don’t like surprises because most surprises suck. I don’t mind them, because I keep thinking that someone will surprise me that I won the lottery.

This last week, I got the surprise of my life and I was NOT happy about this one.

It wasn’t a surprise party, or an unexpected amount of money.

It wasn’t Publisher’s Clearinghouse at my door with some balloons, or a prank call from a radio station.

This was a dark, horrible surprise and when I think about it right now, I go to a really dark place.

Before I tell you about this horrible event last week, just a short aside for some context. I wrote a blog post several years ago about this one time when I went to Jimmy John’s to get a subway sandwich. I got my normal #12 that comes with a lot of shredded lettuce. When I bit into it, there was a tiny little taste that wasn’t lettuce. Hiding among all the shredded lettuce was a tiny little sliver of an onion. When I bit into it, I knew it. I was mad, angry, frustrated and upset. I don’t like onions and I make sure to never order anything with them. No matter what I order at a drive thru, I always say, “No pickle or onions.”, even it’s ice cream and they don’t come with it.

I wanted to throw up and throw the sandwich out. I didn’t, but I couldn’t get the taste of the onion out of my mouth and it ruined my whole day.

So yeah, I’m a little bit of a picky eater, and I’m very sensitive to tastes and textures I don’t like on my food.

Last Saturday, I agreed to go to the church to do cleaning. I don’t mind, because I’m always up early anyways, and they usually just ask me to vacuum. Mostly I go, because they always have treats afterwards. There was some healthy fruit, bananas, grapes and granola bars. So of course, I had a Dunford Donuts, which are one of my favorites. Sadly, my favorite, rainbow sprinkles weren’t in the pack, but there was a new one that I hadn’t seen before, and was hopeful it could have surpassed rainbow sprinkles as my favorite.

It was vanilla iced, with chocolate chips on top. It didn’t have a center, which means cream filling. I bit into it, and it exceeded expectations. It was so good and bad for me at the same time. I took a few more bites and they were equally delicious. I was even more revved up for the next few bites, because then, I would finally reach the creme filling and it would explode into a cacophony of sugary bliss. What happened next would cause the tuba sound on The Price Is Right when somebody loses their game. You know the one. The next bite was not yellow, or white creme, but a blood red…jelly.

Up until that moment, I had always trusted Dunford Donuts. They had never let me down, not even once. Their donuts have always been good. Their chocolate, their rainbow sprinkles, even their maple bars were exceptional.

This was a complete betrayal of the highest order. This was unforgivable and may cause me to boycott Dunford Donuts until the next time I’m offered one. While I will probably have Dunford Donuts again in the future, I will definitely not have that kind again. Even if they restore it to its rightful filling, I don’t know that I will be able to trust them.

I’m not going to lie, this one is going to cause some lasting damage, and I’m not sure I will be able to recover from it. I can still see that blood red strawberry filling in my nightmares. I can still taste the unnatural combination of the fruit with chocolate and vanilla. It’s not going to be a memory that I can erase. I think when I am 98 years old and on my death bed, I will probably think back to that day, Saturday July 20th, 2024 at 10:15 am, and shudder with the horror that I tasted that unholy combination of fruit with chocolate chips and vanilla icing.

I’ve been through a few traumatic experiences in my life, and never talked with a therapist. I’m probably going to have to for the first time on this one. That is not the kind of surprise you can get over easily, if ever.

I will try to move on, for my wife, and my son and my daughter, but it’s left a permanent scar on my brain. I will spend the rest of my life creating bitter memories to try to suppress this one, but I know it will still haunt me for life.

While I’m dealing with this trauma, you should go and check out these Bitter Friday Giftures….

Sometimes…