Unlike most college students, I knew exactly what I wanted to do with my life. I’ve always been bitter, and my life is all about taking over the world so I can spread bitterness throughout the world. I only went to college to figure out the best way to do that. Of course, college failed me.

My best friend in college and I were big fans of Pinky and the Brain. If you remember, it was about two lab mice, one that was a genius, the other was insane. They had big ambitions, not just to escape the lab, but trying to take over the world. I didn’t learn much from my college classes, but I did learn how to spread bitterness from a cartoon about lab mice. Inspired by the cartoon, my friend and I would practice taking over the world by repeating the mantra of Pinky and the Brain. He’d say “Hey, Ben, what do you want to do tonight?” and my response would be, “The same thing we do every night, try to take over the world!”

When you have big ambitions like me, it doesn’t happen overnight. Five year old’s don’t pick up a basketball one day and play in the NBA the next. Kids don’t learn how to write their ABC’s one day, and author a novel the next day.

In the beginning of the Legend of Zelda, Link didn’t defeat Gannon, and save Zelda. In the beginning, he was just a kid wearing a green tunic. He had no clue what he wanted to do for a career, or even know what his major would be in college. Thank goodness, as a 10-year-old kid, he was walking alone in the forest and decided to traverse a dark cave to meet an old man that gave him a sword. (Nothing bad could have happened there.)

It was then, at 10 years old, that Link knew what he wanted to do with his life. Fight scary monsters, traverse dungeons, find pieces of the Triforce, and fight a talking Pig named Gannon to save his 10-year-old girlfriend. Pretty straightforward.

Gannon didn’t like that he was so easily defeated by a 10-year-old in the first game. For the sequels he devised a different plan. Link was too focused, so Gannon needed to distract Link. He created a little thing called side quests. It would divert Link from his main mission. He created neighbors that needed things, and shopkeeper’s that needed deliveries. They promised Link cool things like potions, new tunics and possibly even sword upgrades. Link was so weighed down by meaningless tasks that never completed his main task to defeat Gannon.

I’m starting to think that someone is creating a bunch of side quests for me. Maybe my family, maybe my boss, or some evil entity like Gannon or Kim Kardashian. For some reason, my goal of taking over the world hasn’t materialized yet.

I keep having to do side quests like going to work every day. Other side quests, like eating, sleeping, and putting clothes on. I feel like evil government officials are stopping me from using mind control and shock therapy as a way to persuade people to be more bitter.

Because of all these side quests and regulations, I’m having to resort to archaic techniques like writing a blog and using Bitter Friday Giftures to hypnotize people.

Speaking of which, are you ready for your weekly hypnotization? Here’s your Bitter Friday Giftures…

I knew exactly what I wanted to do…

To recruit all the world…

The first task was to teach people…

The bitter empire…

Sometimes starting your main quest…

Other times…

Sometimes your goal is…

Other times…

The big roadblock…

Are the distractions…

For someone who is easily distracted…

Can end your ambitions…

The side quests just keep coming. Someday, I hope to get back to my main quest, that of taking over the world and making a bunch of bitterlings. Until then, I will be sitting at home, on the couch, eating pizza, playing video games until the evil entities release me from all my side quests. At least they could give me a cool sword for the side quests.

ARRRRGGGHHHHHHH

Bitter Side Quest Ben