The Benefits of Following a Bitter Blogger

At my last count there were 8 billion, 400 million, 538 thousand, 436 people on earth at this very moment. Oh shoot, we just lost a few. And some crying kids were just born. Dang it! That throws off my count. Don’t worry, I’ll get the final count by the end of this blog. But if you old people could just hold off on dying until I finish, that would be great. Oh, and if you kids could hold off being born for about an hour, so I can get an accurate count, that would be great. Thanks. Now that I’ve frozen all deaths and births until I get an accurate count by the end of the blog, we can get back to our regularly scheduled blog post.

As I was saying, we have a lot of people here on this earth. Some of them are really good at acting, others pretty good at architecting. Some are really good at romancing, others can operate really complicated machinery. Some are good at video games, others really good at talking. Way too many of those unfortunately. Some are good at art, some can sing fairly well. Some can swing fairly well. Other can rhyme, I mean it. Anyone want a peanut? Some just don’t want to work and just bang on the drums all day.

Anybody want a peanut?

There are so many things (good and bad) going on right now, that it makes my head hurt. There are quite a few really special, complicated and sophisticated human beings doing a lot of moving and shaking right now. Thanks goodness, because the earth is doing a lot of moving and shaking right now too. Maybe it’s the people that make this earth move? Or the earth is making the people move? Who knows…

On the other hand, there are a lot of us here that aren’t doing a whole lot of moving and shaking. There is a lot of ordinary stuff being done or not done right now. A lot of sluggishness. A lot of couch sitting. People talking about the weather and people just staring off into space, not doing much. A lot of us are pretty dang ordinary. Speaking of ordinary, Michael Scott’s mom made sure that Michael knew he was ordinary. She used to motivate him by telling him that he was ordinary.

Michael Scott to Pam: “My mom always used to say that average people are the most special people in the world. And that’s why God made so many.”

You are ordinary.

I only speak one language, I don’t do pottery, and I’m not even Potter-like at magic. I got a lot of C’s to get my degrees, and I was so not motivated to go to Harvard or Stanford, unlike every smart kid in every teen movie. According to kids in teen movies, if you don’t go to Stanford or Harvard, your life will suck. Luckily, according to Elle Woods, getting into Harvard Law, isn’t hard.

All of this is to say that most of us never went to Harvard, so we, like Michael Scott’s mom said, are ordinary. Not special.

Not so fast. You, right now, the ones who are reading this blog, are actually special. Because you, like so few others in this world, actually read this blog.

If you’ve noticed, this blog doesn’t have 8 billion, 400 million, 538 thousand, 436 followers. In fact, this blog only has 10,000+ followers. But most of those people left WordPress years ago, and exactly zero people have read every one of my 1340 blogs. But of all the people in the world, you, right now, are one of the few. This blog IS for the special people. You are the elites. You are like the Marines, but even more elite than that. Because YOU are one of only 10,000 some followers, or one of only 50 or so that will even click on this blog today. And you are one of only 30 or so that will like this blog today. And you are one of only maybe 10 that will comment on this blog.

That makes you a rare breed indeed. Can you imagine being one of only 10 people out of the massive number of people on this earth that actually gets my knowledge of bitterness? Do you have any idea how rare that make you? I’m not good at math, but I know that 10 out of 8,400,538,436 is a fraction of a fraction of a percent. That is how rarefied of a person you are right now.

You are a rare breed, indeed.

You have a better chance of winning the lottery and landing on Jupiter than reading this blog. That makes you unique and pretty dang special. Way more special than being a billionaire or being the president of a country or a company. None of those people have ever read this blog. And you know, as much as I know, that they are all missing out. But you aren’t. And that makes you all the smartest people I know.

Speaking of smart people, Albert Einstein, Alexander Graham Bell, Thomas Edison, Paul the Apostle, and even Leonardi Da Vinci, have never read my blog. Neither has John Lennon, Paul McCartney, Ringo Starr or George Harrison. No political figures, no famous people, no singers, dancers or even famous comedians.

You select few are the specials. You have done what so few people on this earth ever have. You have partaken in something magical, something all-wordly. You have been blessed with the wisdom of the ages. The wisdom that everything, no matter how big or how small, makes me bitter.

Everything, no matter how big or small, makes me bitter.

And that, my friends, makes you part of the rarest group that has ever existed in the history of the universe. As the holidays approach, you can be secure in the fact that you are way more special than any of your family, friends or co-workers. Because you follow a blog on the internet that they never will. And you can brag about it, because you know they will never understand how great that makes you and something they will never be a part of.

BURRRRNNNNN! (By the way, my count was accurate. Now you people that needed to die or be born can do your thing.)


Bitter Membership Has Its Privileges Ben

30 thoughts on “The Benefits of Following a Bitter Blogger

  1. I’m super special because I’m probably the only person commenting that just drank 32 oz of Gatorade with a half a bottle of miralax and gets to have a colonoscopy in the morning. I raise my glass of Gatorade to your ordinariness. Here’s hoping you make it to 10 comments.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Oh great, you’re saying that I belong to yet another group of rare, special people? I already belong to the group of people who love black licorice, Black women who work in IT, people who actually think IKEA’s pickled herring tastes delicious, and Americans who think soccer is the best sport. I was hoping for a membership in one of the groups of ordinary people, just to see what that’s like. πŸ˜‘

    Liked by 2 people

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