You have no idea how many times I’ve had to write this post. Well, okay I will tell you. Once. It was once, okay? But that doesn’t mean I haven’t had to write a bunch of other posts a lot of times. In fact, my best and most brilliant post ever had to be written at least 15 times. It was like the world wasn’t ready for it, because my computer forgot to save it, or I had to reboot my computer several times and it just wasn’t destined to be read by consuming eyes. I got so sick of trying to re-write it, that I never actually posted it. You have no idea how bitter I was. Mostly because all of you were denied the privilege to read it. And if it would have been published, you wouldn’t be seeing me here writing on this lowly bitter blog. Not only would it have been life changing for all of you, but it would have changed the course of history. The world’s greatest writers would have been clamoring for me to write for them. All the biggest publishers would have been knocking on my door and begging me to write for them.
It’s for the best. I hate it when people knock on my door. Getting up is a pain and I usually just ignore them because I assume they are door to door salespeople. Ain’t nobody got time for that.
It’s actually almost comical how many times my computer has stopped me from changing the course of history. I was actually writing down the final formula that would solve nuclear fusion, which as you know, would solve our worldwide energy crisis once and for all. I was about to hit submit to all the world leaders that would have given us free energy forever. Gas, solar, and wind energy would have been obsolete. But then I saw that little thing in the corner of my computer that said I needed to update. I was like, meh, no big deal. The world leaders can wait a second. So I did the update. It took a few minutes to do and when my computer restarted, it erased the nuclear fusion data. Luckily, it saved the spreadsheet I had for my fantasy football ranking. PHewww, that could have been a real disaster. That took me a few minutes of research I would never get back. Besides, nuclear fusion can wait. It’s not like it’s important.
Rebooting my computer has been a bit of a problem for the world. That’s okay, because we’ve learned our lessons from doing reboots, right? The nice thing is that Hollywood is so full of great ideas that they never have time for reboots. Can you imagine if they ever did a reboot of Dumb and Dumber? That would be horrible…Oh wait…they did that? Um, well, I’m sure there was a good reason for it. I’m sure it was just as funny as the first one right? Oh, it wasn’t? Well…I’m sure there are good examples of them doing a good reboot. You know what they should do. A reboot of Psycho. Yeah, take a classic like that and make it an actual scene by scene re-enactment. Yeah, I bet that would do gangbusters at the box…What they did it already? I’m sure I would have heard about that. I bet it did really well…oh, it didn’t. Hmmm. So you are saying we shouldn’t do reboots? Because they all turn out horrifically? Yeah, you’re right. Next thing you know, they will try to reboot Top Gun and base it all around Maverick being an instructor at Top Gun. Yeah, like that would work. Please tell Hollywood never to do that. Pleassse.
The whole idea of rebooting your computer is to make it better. I don’t know if my computer is always just really cold, because it is always freezing. I’ll be in the middle of creating a new spreadsheet tracking the sale of our supplements, checking the news to see how high our inflation is, or looking at gifs for my blog and all of a sudden it will freeze. I have no idea why computers are so slow sometimes. I mean for goodness sake, I only have 13 tabs going on 7 different browsers. It should easily be able to work 24 hours and 7 days a week with no problems or need to reboot.
On the other hand, look at me. My brain is much like Michael Scott’s. It’s running a mile an hour. How do you expect me to both walk and chew gum at the same time? Why do you think I wait to sit down before I chew it? And if I have to get off the couch, I always just place the gum under the seat. I usually can’t find it after that, but eventually someone will find the gum. Usually in their hair. I guess they should be more careful when they decide to place their hair down someplace that has gum.
I think rebooting is mostly bad, but there can be some things that would benefit from rebooting. Like for instance, dishwashing. The whole problem with using dishes to hold food on, is that you have to wash them afterwards. Society has this whole cleanliness thing, like dishes always need to be washed. How about if we reboot dishwashing and just throw the dishes into a big whole in our backyard when we are done with them? That seems much easier than washing them every time, only to accidentally break one and have to sweep up all the glass afterwards.
Speaking of broken glass, how about rebooting the wearing glasses industry? Maybe instead of having to wear ugly glasses give you eye strain, how about we invent something like glasses that you can put into your eye? Maybe they are flexible, and they are like mini lenses for your eyes. Or even better, how about we invent some laser beam that you can shoot into your eyes that will cure your need to ever wear glasses or the mini lenses in your eyes? I bet if they did that, they could charge a lot of money and make sure that it only works until you are 40-45 and you would still need glasses for reading things. But you know, it would be totally worth it to make glasses go away for 10 years, right?
You know what really needs a reboot though? This blog. I mean just look at it. It’s like the 10th season of Smallville. It’s old and tired and has a bunch of wrinkles. Every possible post has been done. The main character is getting too old for the part. Nothing is new anymore and the audience is dwindling by the day. Many would just say to put it out to pasture or reboot it into something new. But you know how Hollywood ruins reboots. I’m fine just aging before your eyes. I will be out there jumping sharks. Soon you can look forward to me complaining about how boring going to friend’s funerals are and complaining about how the hearing aid industry isn’t hearing my complaints (haha hearing).
My daughter doesn’t call me a bitter old man for nothing. Besides my reboot is coming soon enough. Doctors will be trying to reboot my heart with a defibrillator in the not-too-distant future.
Bitter Reboot Ben
5 thoughts on “Reboot Bitterness”
How about a self-reboot? Let’s say, an alien fruit that you can take and instantly reset your age to 29. Poof! No wrinkles, no gray hair, lots of energy. Just keep reliving life, but better.
Hysterical!! In fact, I’m very bitter right now because I can’t think of something funnier to write. I tried Googling ” funny bitter reboot comments” but nothing came up. But right after I did that I got a message … something about rebooting my computer. Gee, I sure hope nothing bad happens right in the middl
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Nice. Cutting off the comment in the middle of a reboot. That is a classic Bitter Ben writing technique. Also, speaking in third person. Bitter Ben really likes that.
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Someone should reboot boots… they could call them galoshes.
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Yeah, I thought about talking about rebooting boots and all the other “re”‘s, like receive, and re-assemble, re-venge, and other re’s that don’t quite make sense and try to make sense of them.