As this stupid pandemic slowly dies like my dreams of making the NBA, I think it is time to start examining some of the really harmful side effects. Yeah, there is the debilitating lonliness (that I will never have) and the depression thing, and the publicaphobia thing that some people have as well. But for me, the most damaging side effect of this pandemic is my current crack addiction.

Before we get into that non-sensationalized, non-provocative statement, let’s take it all the way back to my junior year of high school. We might have to look at some history books to verify this, because this era is what we call the “Pre-internet” days, which millennials, Gen Z and the new Alpha babies can’t comprehend. Since I didn’t have anything other than TV and the outdoors to distract me from learning and being productive, I decided to do sports. Since I was a bulky 160, I knew I was destined to be a football player. But those dreams died quickly because my mom didn’t like violence (apparently she didn’t see how much we beat up my little brother).

So I ended up in basketball, because I was 1 or 2 inches taller than average, and it was slightly less violent (at least that is what I told my mom). Unfortunately, being coordinated was also pretty necessary, so that put a serious dent in my NBA dreams.

One of the requirements of playing sports was that you had to get a physical. You know, everyone’s favorite “turn to the side and cough” activity. So while I was distracted with turning and coughing, the doctor performed the rest of the routine and he discovered that I had this condition called scoliosis. He said I would live, but it could come back and harm me someday. If you don’t know what scoliosis is, it is the sideways curvature of the spine. That means it isn’t straight. You’re welcome for describing the difference.

Snap back to the present day in which I complain daily about all my different ailments. Bad shoulder, bad knees, bad neck and other things that I blame on my stellar basketball skills. Most people would blame it on my much more regular couch sitting habit, but what do they know? Are they amateur doctors like me?

My biggest pain in the neck is actually the pain in my back. So recently, I haven’t been dreaming about going on a cruise or visiting Europe, but something even more exotic. I want to visit a chiropractor. My dream is coming closer to reality, but while I wait, I happened upon a group on Snapchat of all places that features videos of people getting their back cracked.

Thus began my instant crack addiction.

There is nothing like seeing chiropractors cracking other people’s back. From the satisfyingly loud cracks to the surprised, elated, euphoric or horrified looks on the faces of people that get their backs cracked, I can’t think about anything else now. Some people flock to the comedy, or the memes, or the makeup tutorials on social media. Not me. I need my back cracks. It’s starting to effect my work, and my home life. I constantly try to make my neck or my knuckles crack, but the itch that can’t be scratched is my back crack addiction.

Now my fear is that if I ever get my back cracked, I won’t be able to stop and I will be homeless in the streets looking for just one more fix.

It’s almost as addicting as Bitter Friday Giftures are for other people. Speaking of which…

Some go to Tik Tok dreaming of…

Others wish to make touchdowns…

Still others…

Some people daydream…

Other just want…

Others dream of…

Or dream of…

Some dream of…

Some dream of…

Some just dream of…

Others dream about…

The only thing I dream about…

We all have dreams, but mine is much more important than any of yours. So feel free to donate to my crack addiction, using my real life Venmo @ben-gardner-18. Save a crack addict today.

ARRRRGGGGHHHHHHH

Bitter Crack Addict Ben