Balloons Are the Worst Bitter Friday Giftures


A couple of weeks ago, we were trying to do a nice surprise for my daughter for her birthday. I had spent most of the morning and afternoon at a 7 on 7 football tournament, so I was dog tired from all the heat, but my wife wanted me to immediately get up and go with her to get her some balloons. I did the dutiful husband thing and went, but then my wife went to another thing with my daughter and asked that “all I do” was poke the sticks in the front lawn and then tie 12 balloons to them.

For most people this would have been an easy task. But, of course, this was me that was doing it. I was simultaneously holding 12 balloons that had helium, 12 sticks that needed to be planted in the earth, it was a 100 outside and I was falling asleep from tiredness. My son offered to help, but he was too intrigued by the movie we were about to watch, while also being too lazy to push play. In the meantime, I’m wrestling with the 12 balloons.

What they don’t tell you about balloons with long strings is, well, they like to play together, especially when the wind is blowing. So I set up the sticks about a foot apart and all of a sudden, the balloons are blowing all over the place, the strings are intermingling and they are having little baby balloons. I’m getting increasingly frustrated and what my wife imagined as a 10 minute job, turned into half an hour, and me cutting strings, finding some moving tape and popping one accidentally.

Let’s just say that my wife won’t put me in charge of balloons anymore. I am in charge of the Bitter Friday Giftures though, so here goes…

This is what I wanted to do to the balloons...

leaving french cinema GIF

…minus me being with them.

There was no peace…

Celebrate Happy Birthday GIF by Stefanie Shank

…only suffering.

This was me…

sad black and white GIF

…after the balloon incident.

Never did like this game…

arcade baloon GIF by NakNick Game Studio

…when I was a kid.


new girl balloons GIF

…was a pretty accurate description.

Balloons are always…

party celebrate GIF by SoulPancake

…getting in the way.

My dream…

Wait For It Balloons GIF

…is to pop all those balloons.

More proof…

fail it's a trap GIF by Cheezburger

…that balloons are demons.

Even raccoons…

raccoon bath tub GIF by Cheezburger

…think balloons are vile.

Balloons were a form of torture…

water balloons bad angels GIF by Scorpion Dagger

…in medieval times.

They even cause…

fire fail GIF by Cheezburger

…explosions, so you know they are bad.


building shades GIF by South Park


Whoever invented balloons as a means for celebration, should get a medal of dishonor. And who though that putting helium in them would be a good idea? As soon as a kid gets a hold of them, you know they are gone forever. And what happens when they get to space? I assume that space is littered with all kinds of balloons that kids released into the ether. What a waste of space. Literally.


Bitter Balloon Toss Ben


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