This isn’t the Voice

Lost my wallet.

I am constantly losing things. I’ve lost my wallet multiple times, usually when I needed it the most. Once I lost my wallet when I was at an amusement park in Cincinnati and had to have all the money so I could buy sweet souviners. I was steaming mad, but as always, it was inside since I very rarely express outward feelings. The second time was right at the end of my school year in college in which I was going to move to another state and start another college. As you know, you can barely do anything in college without a college ID, like even take a test, so it kind of made it difficult to take my finals. Of course, I finally found it on one of the last days I was there, in the couch of my girlfriends house. It was great.

I lose my mind on occasion too, but that is pretty common for bitter people such as myself. Losing something is usually pretty inconvenient most of the time, because it causes stress, anger, resentment and bitterness. However, this last weekend, I lost my voice. I don’t get sick a whole lot, which kind of sucks, because getting sick is pretty awesome. You are expected to be lazy and lay on the couch or bed all day. You are excused from chores, supposed to take long showers and make people do things for you.

The best part of this sickness, was that I lost my voice. Most of the time, as a human, people expect you to say things all day. They ask you questions, you answer them. You might need to ask them things, they respond back. When you lose your voice though, people get sick and tired of you answering really softly or just pointing at your throat. So it is kind of the best. It either makes people go away or get really frustrated. Either one, is what I wish people would do way more often.

Take this as a sign not to talk to me.

I may or may have my voice back by now, but there is nothing that says that I can’t continue to use the sharade. You know, the one where I continue to use the excuse that I can’t talk and need to wear a sign that says I can’t talk, so don’t speak to me. If you should see this sign on me, please just assume that it is real. Because if you don’t, I might shout at you that I can’t talk. And no one wants that.

You definitely don’t want someone that can’t talk to yell at you.

ARRRRRRRRGGGGHHHHHHHHH(said in a low gravely voice)

Bitter Larry N Gitis Ben

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24 thoughts on “This isn’t the Voice

  1. Clever with the voice sign…..We have to use trickery sometimes to avoid people. Yesterday this salesman asked me if I have sexy toes I said I guess but I also have a fungus. I don’t of course but he pratically tripped over himself rushing out of my office 😂

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  2. Ok first your post got me with that cat gif (is it called a gif? I’m bad with the lingo) because well, CATS are my kryptonite. But then omg, I lose everything too! I constantly lose my keys, just recently left them upstairs at the gym by the free weights; and most recently my parking tickets! Like 5 out of 7. Luckily, most garages in LA have cameras now and they can check the time your car came in to save me the $24. Good times 😂

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    • It call it a gifture. The combination of a Gif and picture. One that pretty encapsilates a brutal funny fail, that I love to exploit every week. Pretty much things I do all the time, but just fails to get recorded. I would be way more famous if I recorded all my bitter failures.

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  3. Good post Ben, your tales of loss. Nothing unhinges me more than losing things, though losing my mind is not much of a loss, I daresay. My worst example was on our way to my daughter’s high school grad, I left my cell phone on the bus (she was borrowing the car). Sadly, it coloured the rest of the day, as I bemoaned its loss, my inability to record the ceremonies, etc. Oh and I ‘lost’ my bike at least 5 times in my youth. Lost, as it had them stolen. Those stung, to be sure, but I always forgot to lock my bike, so was asking for it.

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    • I lost my baseball mitt from 2nd grade, and I’m still bitter about it. Someday, I would like to question the person that stole it from me. Though I’m guessing that it probably doesn’t fit my hands anymore.

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  4. I could have used that sign today at the gym. For a moment thought somebody tattooed, talk to this guy to annoy him, on my forehead.

    Battery dead headphones did not stop the drivel from getting through.

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  5. The only thing better than losing your voice, is losing your hearing. I’m looking forward to the day, in my old age, when I can just say, “Huh? What?” to those who yabber on and on all the time.

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