Animal Kingdom Bitterness

You’re just a target market to me.

As a marketer at heart, I’m always thinking about my audience. (Just so you know, that means no one is really a person to me, just a target market. IE, my mom isn’t my mom, just a part of the female senior demographic.) For pretty much the almost 6 years I’ve been doing this blog, I’ve focused on the human demographic, meaning, I’ve written specifically to humans. I haven’t really tapped into the alien demographic quite yet, though once I figure out how to speak Alienish, I will probably do a few posts for my the femailiens and manets from a different planet.

I also haven’t done much for those people that can’t read. I’m talking to my niece, who not only can’t read, but hasn’t even taken the initiative to be born until April. I guess she thinks she needs a full 9 months to hang in the womb. When’s the last time I got a 9 month vacation? Oh, yeah, last year when I was unemployed. LET’s MOVE ON!

One of the neglected markets that I am going to now address that I haven’t before is animals. I mean, these guys have money in their lands and oceans that they don’t really care about right? Do the sharks or whales or other weirdo fishes care about all that loot at the bottom of the ocean that the Mermaids aren’t using? Nope. All I have to do is write some bitter and funny blog posts and they will be sending me gold, silver and bronze medals that swimmers lost from the Olympics. In fact, they will probably give it to me, so they can just get the junk out of their oceans. And the first coin any of them give me, will be more than any of my human followers have ever given me.

And I bet the lions and tigers and bears and snakes have been guarding all the diamonds on the mainland for years and would love to give me some if only I wrote blog posts for them. So I’m going to remedy that right now. Ready?


Here is a post for all my bretheren and sistern of the fish kingdom: glub glush, glubbity, glubberson, bubble, bubble toil and trouble. Swish, swash, swush, swash, swesh. Know what I’m saying? I’ll be here all glubbing night.

For all my bird peeps and peepersons : Squak, squack. Squack, cheep, cheep, chirp and charp. Whehe, whahah, whehe, ratatatatat. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH, HAHAHHAHA (I got you Woody Woodpecker.) Meep, Meep, yeah Wile E. Coyote is the worst right? Squeek chirp, whooop!

Yeah man, they are pretty tasty.

And here a post for all my Bear bros: roar, roar, eat human roar, where’s the cream filling, I know of some great places you get some of those, roor, raar, bear teeth, eat campsites, roar!!!!!

Cats: Meow, meaow, raaarrrhh, purr, purr, you are the wuurrrsttt.

My blog post for the Dogs Most: Ruff, ruff, bark, bark, growl, growl, arrrrgghhhh, fetch buddy, go get em, squirrel!

There is definitely more where that came from my favorite animal kingdom! Go forth and bring your treasures to me! You know you don’t need those endless supplies of diamonds…bring them to me. You can bury them in my backyard if you would like or just dump them off on my front porch. As long as you keep them coming, I provide the hilariously bitter posts you desire.

ARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHH, ruff, purr, roar, squeek, chirp, glubb, glubb,

Bitter King of the Apes Ben


16 thoughts on “Animal Kingdom Bitterness

  1. Thank you.That was very clever, entertaining, and definitely bitter. I’ll have to stick with writing for humans. I can’t get enough of them to view or even like to read my stories, let along members of the animal kingdom. Maybe, just maybe, you’re onto something with all this bitterness.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I figured that humans are starting to ignore me and are especially tight with their money. They expect you do something to earn it. Animals on the other hand, just like to give you stuff, just for telling some stupid jokes.


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