I have killed, crushed and mamed 1000’s of people in my career. And I’m not talking about their motivations. I’ve only done that to a few people. I’ve only done that because I only really talk to the few people that I need to everyday. A boss or two, co-workers that need to stop making me do their stuff, and co-workers that have to do my stuff when I’m gone.
Anyways, I feel like I’m getting off the subject. I’ve killed thousands, possibly more people…in video games. Lots of fancy monsters with swords, stepped on a couple thousand walking mushrooms, crushed some souls into oblivion with my heat vision. Don’t worry, though, many of them just evolved into a puff of smoke, so you don’t have to worry where their souls went.
I’m okay with all that violence, because it is just pixels on a screen. Totally safe. In real life, I’m not violent at all. In fact, I’ve only been in one accident in my life, and it was because they ran into me. I’ve only been in one fight in my life and that was basically because I flipped off some punk kids that being stupid and yelling obscenities out their car at me and other people. They came after me from behind and knocked me out. So when they say that old bully insult, “There’s going to be two hits, me hitting you, and you hitting the ground” that was me. I probably even flailed a little, but I don’t remember because I saw a lot of stars that night, mixed with a few birds.
What I haven’t done a whole lot of, is shot guns in real life. Now I have the opportunity, because the VP over my department has invited us to go shooting. I’m pretty sure that I’m going to know exactly how to do it. First of all, you put a mask on right? Like one that looks like one of the presidents of the United States or looks like the Avengers.
Then I go into a 30 story building, like say a Nakatomi Plaza or an airport, or a bank. Then I announce who I am, Bitter Ben, then tell the teller of the bank that I would like to make a withdrawal, of not only my money, but also the money of the fine citizens of Gotham. Then I make sure that my “friends” take care of things, while I have my friendly neighborhood bus driver drive up. As the bank teller will have forgotten the password to open up the huge vault that stores every ones money, I will give her or him a device that makes it a little easier.
It will make a loud bang, but thankfully, the vault can open and I can finally help everyone get their money back that they keep storing there for no interest at all. But I have interest…in getting that money out. So I will show everyone the gun I got, and my friend the bus driver, will have a little trouble steering the bus and end up driving right through the side brick wall of the bank. Oops. We hate to waste a perfect opening like that, so we will just drive it home.
Then we will take everyone’s money and put it safely under my mattress. Cause I would hate for everyone to lose their money. Also, I will make sure to hold both my guns sideways, because that is the only way they will curve and hit my targets right? And just in case some monsters decide to swallow up the earth on my way to work, I will have a few bullets ready for them. Cause it usually just takes some well timed shots to eliminate 40 foot tall monstrocities that are threatening our planet.
Anyways, I’m really looking forward to using my gun correctly. It should be really fun.
Bitter Gunman Ben