New Year’s Changes

…How I plan on spending my New Year’s Eve. 

I’ve never been a huge fan of New Year’s. Ever since I was young, until whatever day it was yesterday, I have never really done anything for New Year’s. I’m an introvert so I’ve never really liked to party. I’m a very uninteresting person, so I just like to watch TV, or play video games because it does all the thinking, entertaining and talking for me.

The other thing I don’t like about New Year’s is all this fake, made up resolutioning. I know for a fact that either you don’t remember what resolutions you made last year, or you didn’t keep them for more than a day. I get it, you have a new calendar and it’s time to make a fresh start. But why in January? January is the coldest, most depressing, bitterest time of the year. If you wanted to make a resolution, why don’t you choose May or June when the weather starts getting better? Or September when school starts? Or after the Super Bowl for you football fans because you have nothing left to live for except all the other sports? Or just be like me and not make resolutions.

I am a bitter realist. I know that nothing will change for me this year, unless something random happens and I win the lottery. But that isn’t something I can plan for. And  if I won the lottery, we know that I would be cursed just like those other people that won and blew all their money on multiple Xboxes and Playstations.

And maybe I get a new couch that is more comfortable and a TV that doesn’t make my eyes want to cry from it being so small at only 65 inches. I will certainly find something to complain about, no matter how good life is for me. Luckily, we know it never will be because I don’t have a positive attitude or a handsome face.

…This is how I will work out this year. 

We all know that resolutions are doomed to fail, so I am actually going to make some this year.

I resolve to not win the lottery.

I resolve to gain weight.

I resolve to get a terrible job, or no job at all.

I resolve to not become a stand up comedian, an social media influencer, or basketball owner.

I resolve to lose followers on blog, Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter. A lot of them.

I resolve to grow balder this year.

I resolve to have no savings, no checking and no interest (both in my bank account and in anything at all).

There you go Bittermaliens. Some resolutions that are doomed to fail. Hope all your resolutions fail and cause you bitterness in the New Year too.

ARRRRGGGHHHHH

Bitter Old Year Ben

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42 thoughts on “New Year’s Changes

  1. I really appreciated your “liking” my post over at slowpainful.com For that alone, you are my cup of too strong, under-creamed, over-percolated continental-roast coffee that’s been sitting on the heating element all morning.

    You have nine thousand followers. NINE THOUSAND. And it’s not like I have, you know. FOUR thousand or something that gives me aspirations. Like, my chin isn’t quivering with determination. I have SIXTY-THREE.

    You deserve every single one of them, too. I’m going to lie down and cry now.

    DR

    Like

  2. Best line: ” If you wanted to make a resolution, why don’t you choose May or June when the weather starts getting better?” Makes perfect sense. Meanwhile, in your honor, I resolve to disregard any resolution I’ve ever made in my life. [and am considering, also in your honor, to power down a weekly salad of radicchio, and orange pith.

    Like

  3. This brightened my day. That’s got to speak volumes about how much fun today has been, so far. If I wasn’t so excited about rotating my lightbulbs at 4:00 PM–in 1hour, 7 minutes and 32 seconds–I’d go back to bed.

    Like

  4. Resolutions for your New Year solved in one stroke.The tinge of bitterness leaching into the new year like oli on water. Spread the bitterness. Enjoy your words, thanks for the likes. PS Happy New Year?

    Like

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