I’ve never been a huge fan of New Year’s. Ever since I was young, until whatever day it was yesterday, I have never really done anything for New Year’s. I’m an introvert so I’ve never really liked to party. I’m a very uninteresting person, so I just like to watch TV, or play video games because it does all the thinking, entertaining and talking for me.
The other thing I don’t like about New Year’s is all this fake, made up resolutioning. I know for a fact that either you don’t remember what resolutions you made last year, or you didn’t keep them for more than a day. I get it, you have a new calendar and it’s time to make a fresh start. But why in January? January is the coldest, most depressing, bitterest time of the year. If you wanted to make a resolution, why don’t you choose May or June when the weather starts getting better? Or September when school starts? Or after the Super Bowl for you football fans because you have nothing left to live for except all the other sports? Or just be like me and not make resolutions.
I am a bitter realist. I know that nothing will change for me this year, unless something random happens and I win the lottery. But that isn’t something I can plan for. And if I won the lottery, we know that I would be cursed just like those other people that won and blew all their money on multiple Xboxes and Playstations.
And maybe I get a new couch that is more comfortable and a TV that doesn’t make my eyes want to cry from it being so small at only 65 inches. I will certainly find something to complain about, no matter how good life is for me. Luckily, we know it never will be because I don’t have a positive attitude or a handsome face.
We all know that resolutions are doomed to fail, so I am actually going to make some this year.
I resolve to not win the lottery.
I resolve to gain weight.
I resolve to get a terrible job, or no job at all.
I resolve to not become a stand up comedian, an social media influencer, or basketball owner.
I resolve to lose followers on blog, Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter. A lot of them.
I resolve to grow balder this year.
I resolve to have no savings, no checking and no interest (both in my bank account and in anything at all).
There you go Bittermaliens. Some resolutions that are doomed to fail. Hope all your resolutions fail and cause you bitterness in the New Year too.
Bitter Old Year Ben