A-cord-ing to who?

Aren’t you glad we live in a wireless world?

For Christmas, I got pretty much everything I wanted except a new computer, a new TV, a new phone, a vacation to Hawaii, a cruise to Alaska, a new car, and a new house. Seems like people are pretty insensitive to others needs this time of year. Season of giving my butt. They say to have high expectations is the way of bitterness. Must be why I am so bitter. Or why I have high expectations. Chicken or the egg, I guess.

I did get a few things like a tablet and an XBox S and a thingamajig that does stuff. All my family members got stuff too. My kid got one of those hoverboards that neither hover or have any sort of board. My wife got an Ipad and an Iphone. And my daughter got a mirror that you can not only see every pore from a mile away, but also see the each speck of dust on the moon on a clear day.

Each of these gadgets promised wireless connectivity and amazing battery life. Which they did. Problem is, each of them included a charger, which included wires. As much as this world would like to claim that they are a wireless world, each and every one of this wireless things have cords.

Remember when you were a kid and you collected rubber bands, because you could put them together and make a rubber band ball? It wasn’t that for me, it was tin foil. My friends and I thought that if we collected tin foil on the lunches, we could make a ton of money and be rich someday. I never got rich from it, but I probably made more money from it than I did from my first job. I made freaking $2.10/hr working at Little Caesers. And they had the nerve to collect taxes from that too.

Anyway, I think that today with all the devices we have and all the wires that are included with the devices we have, we could make a huge wire ball and make money at the wire collection facilities.

We will be stealing Wi-Fi even on Mars.

I’m thinking this is how we get to Mars someday. We collect all the unused wires we have, and plug the first one into the wall and keep daisychaining it to an astronauts suit and Abra Cadabra we are on Mars. We just need to make sure that NASA has a pretty tight plug, so people don’t get disconnected. Also that would allow us to be able to play Candy Crush and check our email on Mars. Though we would get pretty frustrated when the Wi-Fi was pretty weak and we got bored cause the neighbor’s are using our Wi-Fi.


Bitter Wireful Ben


45 thoughts on “A-cord-ing to who?

  1. After reading your post, I realised I got shafted for xmas. Just a box of handkerchiefs from my adoring family. Although, not being as bitter as you, I have to admit I am kind of happy with it, as they’re quite fancy snot rags… kind of like blowing your nose on silk. Anywho, hope you have a good year, but not too good, as like the rest of your readers, I need you to stay bitter.


  2. I wouldn’t want to sound like a bitter minion with bitter news, but the picture (I guess that’s what you tried to link in) at the beginning of the post doesn’t show up for me. It does leave a wide blank frame, giving me the idea that there should be a picture there… Making me wonder if some kind of Internets thief broke into your blog and stole it from your wall… In which case I’ll gather my fellow minions, and we’ll… Yeah, meh, probably call the Internet police, because acting ourself would be kind of dangerous, and scary, and let’s face it, tiring. Hey, we don’t know what to expect from people who are willing to steal pictures from blogs without taking the brilliant story in their bag too!! I mean, are they going to come back?? Are they trying to send a bitter message (maybe they sooo like your work that they just thought the picture wasn’t worthy of standing there, by your words?)


    The picture doesn’t show up, Ben!


  3. Mars would have to be the worst vaycay ever. Think about it. You have rocks, sand, slow-death-inducing cosmic rays, and endless travel time to get there and back. If you think jet lag is bad, try rocket lag. All that is horrible, but add weak WiFi to the mix? Nooooo!


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