Glitterally the Worst

No, but I went to a wedding breakfast in one.

“Were you born in a barn?” my mom used to ask me when I was a big pig growing up. I can honestly answer you a no on that, but I can say that I spent the weekend in one…for a wedding.

As I wrote a few months ago, I can’t stand weddings. I am very much a fan of the institution of marriage, but weddings are the worst, and this is of close family. The main problem for me, is that I have to spend more than 14 hours being dressed in a suit, on a Saturday, and not getting paid. I will do a lot of uncomfortable and crazy things for money, but when I’m not getting paid, I get very much bitter.

Back to the barn. The groom grew up in a tiny little town on a very large farm. It was so close to the mountains, that I was wondering if we were going to need to get out our climbing equipment just to get to the venue. It was a breakfast in a barn. Luckily there were no farm animals or hay in the barn, but I was worried that we were going to have cowpies as part of the breakfast. One positive note was that I got to see ladies with high heels try to navigate the steep dirt driveway climbing up to the barn. I kept hoping that one of them would have fallen and not got up. No such luck.

The breakfast proceeded without drama, so much so that I heard the word “Nice” and “kind” almost to the point where it was going to make me throw up. I just kept hearing how nice the couple was to each other and I wondered secretly how long it would last.

Just when the crack of dawn ended and the breakfast was over, we got to go to the wedding venue. We were ushered to a room and waited…and waited and waited. Visions of many movies rushed to my mind. The Wedding Singer…other movies where the wedding was called off…in my mind, I was almost expecting a person calmly coming into the room, and saying..”I have an announcement to make…”, but soon after they came in and everything went off with a hitch.

No such luck.

Then we got to wait again. They were in changing while we were outside waiting to get to be in pictures. I think it might be a tie between wanting to ruin their pictures and being in pictures, so either way I lose. In the meantime, we had a girl who was getting sick and 4 or 50 round trips between our car and the venue, because we were in charge of hauling the flowers around for all the bridesmaids and groomsdudes. They were only like 50 pounds and a few blocks each, but I am pretty weak these days, so I was out of breath and sweaty for most of the day. Finally that was over and we got to go eat.

Unfortunately, we got something to eat, went and woke up my son, and then we had to go to the reception thingy to help out. For some reason, even if you pay a lot for a reception hall, you still have to do work to set it up, if you are married to someone who likes to be helpful to their family. Unfortunately, I have a very helpful wife and she likes to drag my helpfulness along.

Luckily, I found a way to be not helpful, because there were so many other people being that way, and lots of hiding places for me to “pretend to be working”. So I managed to be able to dodge most of that. My feet and phone were having a really hard time staying awake.

The reception was boring and the food was tiny, so of course, my bitterness quotient started to rise. I just wanted to be home laying on the couch and falling asleep to an episode of the Office. Luckily, my daughter wanted to be home too. We almost scored an invite to go home, because of her and I wanted to thank her to the depths of my soul. We all came in one car, and my wife said we should go home and she could get a ride with someone else.

We were almost stepping out the door, when she said, “Well, you guys should just stay a few more minutes and then we will get out of here.” We were so close. We almost got away with it, if it weren’t for those meddling adults.

We ended up staying until the bitter end. Or should I say the Glitter End. Someone had the brilliant idea that we should send off the bride and groom with sparklers and glitter shooters. The sparklers were great, cause they made sparkles, then died out. The glitter, not so much. This added hours and millions of messes to the whole day. The glitter exploded on the street and then decided to be like that stuff that makes Spiderman evil in the third movie. It grabs onto a host and never lets go. The street was littered with it.

Then kids swam in it, and then spread the disease inside. It became impossible to remove, or move and get out of kids hair. Little did I know, that there was a country music dancing festival every Saturday night and they were expecting to move in, a half hour after ours ended. So here were with brooms, mops, and street cleaners, trying to get this glitter out of every nook, cranny and hairpiece. It was a disaster of epic proportions.

I’ll be buying one of these for my worst enemies, by the way.

I don’t know why Disney has forced this “magical” glitter thing on all of us, because that stuff is impossible to clean. In fact, as of the writing of this post, there is still glitter in my hair, in my car and in our house. And my son has some unexploded bombs ready to go off in what I assume will be the most inconvenient time and place. That stuff is evil and glitterally the worst.

ARRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHH

Bitter “No More Glitter” Ben

 

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48 thoughts on “Glitterally the Worst

  1. the best wedding I attended (other than my own *) was one for a friend’s son held in a brewery! It was the right length, tone, and when completed, everybody got to swill beer for a few hours. The kids are going strong Not into politics and they support the same baseball team. * unrehearsed and not prodded, she says I should say

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  2. I despise glitter so much! I told my high school students that one time and then about a week later a student came in and threw glitter all over me and my desk. Needless to say, I wasn’t excited…so, he got a week’s worth of detention! During his stay after school, he got to clean whiteboards, scrap gum off my desks and the cafeteria tables, and clean surfaces in the room. Glitterness is a b*tch…

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  3. Glitter was sent by Satan to test all of us! I once got a piece of glitter in my eye and ended up scratching my eyeball. My eyeball!!! I ended up having to sit in the dark all weekend long to avoid using my eyes. I guess that glitter did me a favor in the end, naps for me!

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  4. Ha! Oh my! I USED to love weddings.

    Now I just pray no one invites me to one. Ha.

    What a time you had in the barn! Well, at least your “adventure” made a good blog post. 🙂

    I learned years ago…glitter is like Christmas tree pine needles and Easter grass. You think you have it all cleaned up. But, it hides and multiplies…then weeks and months later you find it in the weirdest places! 😀

    HUGS and Happy Moan-Day! May all your moaning be good moaning! 🙂

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    • Yeah, I think there is just a separate little world we don’t know about that has these little annoyances that multiply when we aren’t looking. Though there are humans that multiply annoying kids too. Though at least we have 9 months to know that we need to move away from these people. Too bad houses are so expensive.

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  5. Fantastic post! You have a way with words, that really accentuates the absurdity of everyday ‘normal’ life. If there was a Nobel Prize for what you do . . . then again. You’d probably hang it up – like Groucho said, I’d never want to be in a club that would have me as a member. Love your stuff!

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    • I think it is just a way of observing the absurdity of weddings in general. I have the same way of finding the absurdity of Disneyland, traffic, etc. and just finally found a place to do it, instead of keeping my observations to myself.

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  6. Glitter?…obviously overcome with the magic of the day. I learned one thing, if you arrive early and they are setting up never ask “is there anything I can do”…I was quickly placed in charge of the “place card holders” that assigned seating and me not knowing a soul there other than the bride and groom. It was interesting. I never heard from them again.

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  7. Just the thought of someone having the thought to use glitter, and the idea that know one slapped the shit out of them for mentioning such an idea, and then people going along with it is too much for me to comprehend. This might just bother me for the rest of the day. I’m afraid you may still be trying to get rid of it the rest of this week… insanity.

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  8. Sounds awful. And I didn’t see “pizza” mentioned at all, for this venue. I believe that nobody should ever get married unless they elope and have the ceremony performed by a Justice of the Peace in a quick, five-minute legal procedure.

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  9. and they expected you to wear a suit in a barn?……and then clean glitter up? What the heck? I hate weddings too…I think they are a big waste of time and money. Luckily I never get invited to weddings, because I don’t have any friends, and everyone knows I hate weddings, parties, any social gathering. Perhaps you should be grumpier and people would choose not invite you too!

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