Private Property


There is thousands of acres of land on this earth. I know because I took a geography class once. It taught me many things like uh…oceans are full of water, Antarctica is the most populous nation, and Transformers are living on the dark side of the moon.

With all this land, you would think we would get at least an acre each, along with nice amount of space from our enemies, uh neighbors.  That simply hasn’t come true for us, though. Well, some of us. Some of the wealthy landowners have what they like to call Private Property.  I’m not sure why people go to such lengths to protect private property.

This summer we were talking about weddings with my sister-in-law (because she has had to plan two of them) and were talking about engagement photos. She told us that some of the mountain resorts around here won’t let you take photos on them. I guess because it is private property. She said that if you try to sneak onto the property to get engagement photos, SWAT teams will arrive and escort you off the property. I guess some people are a little possessive of their land.

Golf courses love to keep you off their lands by inserting big huge nets to “keep balls” from hitting other people’s cars. But really, there are just keeping people off their course, because it is only for people that “pay”. That is another way they keep you off. They make you pay $4.50 for water, and $9 for a refill. When most people can get two gallons of gas for less, hooligans decided breaking and entering the private property of a golf course isn’t worth it. Because they would have to pay a green fee for robbing the place.

Nerf parties!

Then there is the military. These guys are serious about their property being private. I don’t know if it is because they are doing target practice with Nerf guns all day and they don’t want us to know about their epic Nerf parties, or they are just flying the remote control jets on these bases, but whatever it is they are doing there, they don’t want you anywhere near. They are always off on some dusty road, or inside a cave, or in underground layers. Do you think they have sharks with fricking laser beams attached to their heads? Whatever it is, it is private and you aren’t allowed.

Sharks with laser beams attached to their heads.

And what about all these national parks that are on private property? I guess the animals are having just as much fun as the military. Maybe they are really just fronting us on this whole “we are animals and we don’t speak and are really savage”, but in reality, they are just as civilized as us, but can only be themselves on their fancy “private property”. Maybe park rangers know about it, but they are sworn to secrecy by the bears that will threaten to maul them if they say anything.

I just wish that I had some private property, because there are definitely things I need to keep away from me. I think they are called, uh, oh yeah, people.


Bitter Private Bitterlands Ben


23 thoughts on “Private Property

  1. Thanks for the bitter giggle!
    I sort of have private property. Lord knows I keep paying the mortgage on it.
    We live on the edge of a National Forest. No one tells the critters any rules, so they do what they like and go on anyone’s property they want to. I love seeing the families of deer and the bunny rabbits nibbling on the forest ground cover (called ‘mountain misery’ by locals). Skunks, Bears and Mountain Lions (Oh my!) are looking for other kinds of food. Even though they do not normally eat humans, they can still hurt you very badly. In mere seconds.
    The more I think about it, my property isn’t very private at all…


    • Yeah, I have a beef with the local animals that don’t seem to respect the rules of not hanging out on your property. They think it is okay hang in your house (flies and rodents) or in your yard (deer and racoons). Maybe I need to address this to the animals next time.


  2. National Parks belong to the public. The rangers are there to keep us from destroying our own property so it can be preserved for the rest of the public. I’m not sure why we have to pay to visit our own property when the public already pays taxes.


  3. Maybe the bears are having nerf gun parties too with the park rangers. I mean why do you think bears like stealing people’s sandwiches so much? It’s because the rangers distract them with sandwiches so they can win. Cheating rangers!


  4. Another great diatribe, very George Carlin-esque. He was the one who suggested golf courses be made into land for the homeless. Great minds huh? Of course, he made another suggestion: that homes near prisons are the safest. After all, what escaped inmate would want to stick around a prison after escaping? There are a few holes in that argument.


    • I just think it is funny how much of the world is private property. And most of it is owned by someone. And yet most people cluster in big cities, probably because they don’t want to drive hours away to go to the grocery store.


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