How to Become Humble in One Easy Step

My kind of motivational style, except less motivational.

I’ve never been much of a motivational speaker, or a Self-Improvement guru. In fact, you could probably say I’m quite opposite. I’m more of a Self-Detriment, or demotivational speaker.  But this idea burns so deeply in my defibrillated heart, that I can’t possibly keep this information to myself.

As Scott Adams, creator of Dilbert and actual successful person paraphrases, you can’t sell a book that only has one page. So unfortunately, I can’t make this whole idea into a book. But I can make it into an unsuccessful blog post.

So, here you go. How to Become Humble in One Easy Step.

  1. Go on a job interview.

I know what you are saying. I’m a successful YouTuber. Or I am a stand up comedian. Or I am the CEO of a Megacorporation (by the way, if you are one of these people and you are reading this, go ahead and post this on your social medias, so I can go viral, thanks.) Or you are a three year old.

You are saying, “I don’t need to go on a job interview.” No, you probably don’t. And you should thank your lucky moons, and green clovers that you don’t have to. But, this is just like every other self help program. You need to actually do something if you want to succeed in becoming humble.

Thankfully, it is only one step. I don’t care if you have to call a bank, or a seafood restaurant, or a shopping mall. Call them up, tell them you are looking for a job and you want an interview. Do you know what will happen next?

I guess I need a job then?

They will ask you one of two things. What kind of position are you looking for? Or why are you so stupid? Go to our website, look up the open positions available and apply online.

Feeling good about yourself? Not so much? Good. This is just the beginning.

Next, go to the online thing they told you to. Apply for approximately six months for every job imaginable. The more unqualified you are, the better. And you know how they say you should be truthful on your resume? Don’t do that. Nobody wants to hire you. They want a fictionalized version of you. One that can leap large buildings in less than a single bound. They want a person that can juggle 4 things at a time and juggle chainsaws at the same time. They want someone that can work 8 days a week, 25 hours a day, and never get sick. They want 8 years of experience on things that were only invented 2 years ago, certifications that take 20 years, and cost millions of dollars to take the test.

Once they realize that no one exists that can do those things, they start looking at lazy bones like you. They have to hire someone, so they find people that more closely match the criteria. This guy looks like he can at least juggle one thing. Let’s interview him.

You’re in!

Now comes the humble part. They will call you in, and ask you questions.

Because I’m hungry…

Interviewer: Tell me your life history in 30 seconds…

You: Well, I was born…

Interviewer: Enough about you. Tell me what you learned about our company from Google in the last day or so.

You: I heard you make microchi….

Interviewer: So you literally did no research for our company. Tell me, why would you want to work for us?

You: Well, I’m a big fan of food…

Interviewer: We make microchips. Did you do no research on us at all?

You: I just meant, I need a job so I can eat.

Interviewer: We don’t provide free snacks like all those other fancy companies. It says here on your resume, you did scientific experiments on carbon dating?

You: Well, I was a fry cook that burned burgers a lot.

Interviewer: It also says that you did high level electronics engineering testing on a micropixel level.

You: Well, yes, I played lots of video games.

Interviewer: How about this observation testing on the study of human behavior?

You: Um, well, I scoped out girls at the mall.

Interviewer: Well, let me just tell you all about what we do here. At MicroHealing, we have a cutting edge technology that uses ART while constructing an AMRAM core database, and with that ABN piping with the cF4s, we use that to build an OFBASE that will then create a customer CRM with TBSM and store that in our GBFN. Everyone here is very familiar with that. Can you tell me about your experience in depth with each of these essential functions?

You: Uh, so like I used the FART technology the other day after dinner and it helped me, uh feel OFF BASE. I also used it when I was trying to play baseball with my son. And uh, so yeah. I use it all the time.

Interviewer: Any questions for me?

You: So like when can I start and how much am I gonna get paid?

Interviewer: We just need to speak with 4 hiring managers, two CEO’s and the President of Africa. As soon as he is available in about six months, we’ll see about sending you a rejection email. The pay is $4.25 an hour and we have a great benefits package. You can see a dentist like once a decade.

You: So, I should hear from you by the end of the week then?

Interviewer: Oh, my gosh, what a pleasure to meet with you. Thanks so much for filling our quota of interviews. We expect to hire the bosses son for this job soon.

You: It was really great to meet you too. I look forward to working for this company soon.

Not all interviews go this well, however. Let’s just say that no matter who you are, or what you do, interviews are a completely humbling experience. Send your checks to me at Bitter Studios, B. O. Box Bitter, Bitterton, UT 840000.

ARRRRRGGGGHHHHHH

Bitter Interview Ben

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23 thoughts on “How to Become Humble in One Easy Step

  1. Pingback: How to Become Humble in One Easy Step — Ben’s Bitter Blog – Ftf Ejahranx Ejahrole

    • I don’t blame you. I had a contract job in May-July and the whole time I kept trying to get them to hire me because looking sucks. I’m telling you I have way too much experience not having a job and looking for one. Maybe I should put that on my resume.

      Like

  2. I lost it at the “scoped out girls at the mall.”

    I met a guy once who actually admitted to sitting on mall benches outside Victoria’s Secret so he could watch the girls go in and out (we were talking about something entirely different, and he threw that curve ball into the conversation). I don’t think he ever got up the guts to ask any of them out, although I’m sure he tried, leading with, “So I was sitting by myself on a bench watching you pick out underwear…”

    Like

  3. Very funny, Ben. This sounds like all of my job interviews. How I’ve been able to eat food this long is beyond me. I guess there are very stupid people who hire very stupid people, and that’s what keeps the food industry in business.

    Like

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