I’ve got many years of experience.
You know the old Apple ad slogan, “We’ve got an app for that?”
It’s a great one, because people always remember it. And people are always parodying it. Well, guess who is parodying it today? That’s right, your not-so-friendly neighborhood Bitterman, me.
As a lifelong napper, I know for a fact that there is definitely a nap for that. There are thousands of positions in which you can take a nap, probably more than there are apps in the combined app stores.
I’m going to give you a few free ones, but after that, you gotta pay, just like the apps make you do. There are in-store things that you can buy.
The classics – The all time favorite of mine and millions of other lazy people like me is the lay on the couch type. It is best used with the soothing melodic tones of your TV. Whether it be news that you don’t care about, your wife’s favorite shows, or the kid shows you have watched 40,000 times, just get that TV show with its background white noise. The best part about on the TV couch naps is the possibility of the TV shows infusing themselves into your dreams. There are no better dreams than the President fighting against lady unicorn in the ultimate battle for who will build the cotton candy wall to keep out the Ant Kingdom.
The Family Reunion nap – This is a fun one. With thousands of relatives around that you not only don’t care about, but don’t have any idea who they are, there are ample opportunities to sneak in a quick nap. Whether it is when Aunt Judith is telling her story about accounting again, or there is a lull in the festivities, there is always a good time to jump on the nap train and ride it to Bliss City.
The Work Desk Nap – This one works best while sitting at a desk in front of a computer. It is almost always happens around 2 pm, after lunch and not near 5 pm yet. Nothing is particularly pressing and no meeting are pending. Just get something really important up on your screen, make sure there is a nice ray of sunshine coming through the window, and busy out your phone (don’t pretend like you don’t know how to do that). Then place your fingers on the keyboard in a ready to pounce mode and close those sleepy eyes. No one will even know you are sliding on a water slide up a mountain (FYI, make sure you go to the bathroom beforehand).
The Throne – This one is an afternoon companion to the Work Desk Nap. It is only for the brave and non sqeemish though. Similar to the 2 pm time. If you can’t pull off the Work Desk Nap, there is always the duck into the bathroom, go into a stall, take a seat and close those eyes. It is after lunch after all, and you make need to get rid of some stress. And who is going to miss your unproductiveness for 15 minutes at the end of the day anyways.
The elusive Inception nap.
The shower nap – Some people wouldn’t dream of doing this, but others dream during it. Some people have to wake up really early in the morning. And they need to take a shower. Why not combine two great things together. Getting clean while taking a nice comfortable shower. The ground isn’t quite as comfy as a bed, but your bed doesn’t have nice warm water cascading down on your face either. And the brilliant shower thoughts, combined with the dream thoughts will give you some of the most brilliant thoughts ever. I mean, how do you think I came up with the idea for this blog. Okay bad example, but I’m sure whoever comes up with time travel will do it while shower sleeping.
I know that isn’t the all inclusive list of naps, and that doesn’t even include positions, which I may do another post just for those. But those will be in app purchases for you.
What are some of your favorite places/situations to nap? Hit me up in the comments, and subscribe and like the post or whatever.
ARRRRGGHHHHH
Bitter Naptime Ben