You would think that a guy that sits on the couch as much as I do, wouldn’t attract the law as much as I do.
You would think that a guy that drives like an old grandma that can barely see over her steering wheel, wouldn’t have as many speeding tickets as I do.
My life of crime started innocently enough. I was pulled over for the first time by a cop probably before most of you people ever even got a driver’s license.
I was 14 years old, living large in my grey Chevy Citation (ironic name considering what is coming next) and my parents let me drive without them for the first time. My friend and I went to a movie and decided to go the “strip” afterwards. I think that is what they called it, but it was essentially the place where all the cool kids from school would go to drive and meet girls. Considering even in college I had no idea how to talk to girls, it was a mystery to me why I would even try, but I guess the thrill of trying was enough to get me to go.
So we pulled onto the first road. Didn’t do a thing, and all of a sudden the fuzz pulls me over. My life of crime officially began. Cop says a tail light is out. Likely excuse. He just wanted to see all the guns I was carrying, or the drugs in my trunk. Typical fuzz. Anyways, he tells me to get that fixed or I will get a violation. If I didn’t fix this, it was going to go on my permanent record. Just imagine how scared the other inmates were going to be of me, when I pull into jail with my missing taillight conviction.
This was just the beginning of my long rap sheet. On the way to a basketball game, with 4 other people, wearing my new David Robinson shoes, my Nike Flight shorts, and my neon pink jersey, I was going 10 over, so of course the cops pulled me over. They knew a criminal when they could see one.
It didn’t end there. Next I was pulling through the roughest upper crust neighborhood of the upper east side of Sioux Falls, SD, the hardest core suburanites within the mile, and I was going at least 6 miles over. Guess what? Yep. Speed demon strikes again. If I was not careful, Daredevil would be on his way to stop this vigilante speeder.
On and on my rapsheet grew. My reputation was growing in the city. Everywhere I went cops would follow. They knew that speed limits were just a suggestion to me. 55 miles an hour. Psshhh, try 60 amigo. My blatant disregard was causing utter mayhem in the streets. They didn’t know what to do with me. The cops breathed a sigh of relief when I left the town of Sioux Falls in shambles only to spread my crime speeding empire to another town.
The sleepy college town of Rexburg, Idaho, was spared the speeding criminal overlord for one year, only because I wasn’t allowed my weapon of choice that year (didn’t have a car), but when I returned two years later, the reign of terror began. One winter night, when ice was as thick as my neck that they wanted to hang, this guy was convicted of hooky bobbing. Yes, this guy allowed other criminals to hang on his bumper and slide on the ice.
Taking over Rexburg and Sioux Falls was not enough. I needed to expand, and expand I did. I took it to Utah County and that I did with a vengeance. It all started with the accident. First there was the speeding ticket with the speedy Grandma’s old car by the same cop that officiated in the car accident. Then the speeding ticket two weeks later. Then the ticket on the way home to Sioux Falls (they must have put the cops on high alert as soon as I entered the state) and then the ticket on the way back three weeks later.
If that wasn’t enough, they even tailed me to work. On the way home from work I committed the most heinous of crimes. I hesitate to even say this one out loud. In fact, if children are reading or listening, you should probably cover their eyes and ears. I got a ticket for “Failing to come to a complete stop at a stop sign”, which landed my wallet in jail for an $86 sentence.
My empire is much smaller these days, and the insurance agents are not profiting hand over fist like they used to in prime of my empire, but I still from time to time go over the speed limit. So watch your back people, because you never know when I might break and tailgate you.
Bitter Crime Empire Ben