My Job Proposal

 

Hey people, as you know I am in the epic struggle known as trying to find a job. Since no company seems to want to hire me (can’t understand why there is not a huge bidding war for a bitter office guy), I’ve decided that I need to start making up jobs and then making people hire me to do them.

As I was driving to another hopeless and failed interview yesterday (and Instagramming it all the way…Follow bensbitterblog on Instagram soon if you want to see it in Instagram story form) I was thinking of what I could do and I came up with a new job that I will force other people to pay me for. It is simply this. I will be a job interview agent.

Tell me more about yourself.

It goes a little something like this. You sit at home, applying for jobs all day, secure an interview for yourself, and then set the date. Then you call me up, wire the money to me right away, and then I go to the interview for you. I show up in a suit, 5 minutes late, I shake the interviewers hand with my sweaty hand. I answer questions about what I want to make of myself in 5 years, and tell an inappropriate story just as I am leaving to give them a great impression. I do research about all the other candidates and tell the interviewer all about their flaws and how they always show up late, or they are big distractions, or how their previous co-workers couldn’t stand them. Then, as I am leaving, I say, yes my name is Bitter Ben and I look forward to meeting with you again.

They look at me confused and say, “Oh, that’s weird, I thought I was interviewing Bryan Cheater.” I walk out.  Bryan Cheater walks in right after me and says, “Hi, I’m Bryan Cheater.” They look confused, but Bryan Cheater already looks good compared to all the other candidates, including the train wreck they had just previous to them. Bryan Cheater gets the job, even though he is insanely underqualified, because Bitter Ben just made the squeamish about everyone else but Bryan Cheater.

Not only does Bryan Cheater have a job, but now he has way more money than he did before, and 15% of his paycheck gets sent to Bitter Ben Holdings, a private company out of the Cayman Islands.

In addition, Bryan and the interview guy share a bond about this absolute train wreck of guy they interviewed once and all Bryan’s many flaws are looked past because of how lucky they feel that they didn’t hire any of those other weirdo’s.

It works out for all of us. I get to do what I do best (fail miserably) and you get to do what you do best (exploit miserable failures). So who wants to sign up?

ARRRGGGHHHHH

Bitter Interview Fail Ben

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66 thoughts on “My Job Proposal

  1. Pingback: Guest Post: Ben’s Bitter Blog | The Perks of Being an Artist

  2. If you ever want to branch out into Canada, I’d be perfect to represent your firm.

    I’ll show up totally inappropriately dressed (and by that I mean I’ll be wearing a Trump baseball hat), and smelling like stale wine.

    I’ll get to help people get jobs AND drink copious amounts of wine.

    Win/win

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  3. I feel your pain. My employer will be moving out of state soon, and although I was invited to follow, I declined. So it’s the epic struggle for me, as well. And I HATE interviewing… Maybe I can be your female counterpart. Not sure you could pass for Brianna Cheater…

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    • Oh my gosh, I hate interviewing too, but with the freedom to do it badly, now that is something I can do and do well. It could probably dress the right way, but my voice would have a really hard time talking like a female.

      Like

  4. Here’s where I suppose I should pass on some sort of trite advice such as “don’t forget you’re interviewing THEM as well.” But I won’t. Sorry about the job hunt. Hang in there.

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  5. Job interviews are like going out and asking someone to make you feel inadequate. Thing is, I’ve sat on the other side of the table and it doesn’t feel any better over there. The whole thing just sucks. Good luck

    Liked by 1 person

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