Bitter Haunted Houses

Yes, kid. With a razor blade.

Yes, kid. With a razor blade.

It’s that bitter time of the year where stinky little goblins dressed up as kids dressed up as hoodlums start invading neighborhoods and asking for free candy. Holding their little pillowcases out, saying Trick or Treat. They are trying to get something from my good candy stash, but I know better than that. I always offer them my fresh apples with razor blades or the free toothbrushes I got from my dentist. I didn’t win worst trick or treat hander out guy for 10 years in a row by not being creative with my tricks. Luckily, they are super not thankful, so I don’t feel bad at all when they give me their painted on grumpy face.

There are other festivities around this time of year like corn mazes and stupid parties, but the best part are the haunted houses. Problem being that haunted houses use old standby trick like making them really dark, or scaring you with silence, then surprising you. I think it is time for haunted houses to undertake a much needed bitter upgrade. Here are my ideas:

Get it away from me!

Get it away from me!

Haunted House number one: A house full of hair. Prepare to be scared out of your mind. Or even worse, your hair. Hair is the most terrifying thing ever. Keep that stuff out of my cereal, out of my brush, out of the sink. In fact, my head is so terrified and frightened of hair that it is actively pushing it from off the top of my head. And the hair that I do have, stands on end whenever it sees other hairs. Utterly terrifying.

Haunted House number two: Talking to people. A haunted house where they turn ON the lights, and trap you in a room with people that like to talk. And they ask you questions, and want you to answer. Surround you with small talk. Ask you about your day. Wonder what you are for Halloween, even though it is painfully obvious. LET ME OUT OF HERE!

No more talking!

No more talking!

Haunted House number three: This house of absolute horrors, a room full of blackboards with math equations like in Good Will Hunting. There is no escape until you solve them all. Just so you know, I’m still in the addition room. Please send help, with answers. I know 5+6, but don’t have enough fingers to figure out 6+5! Heelp!

More like Bad Will Hunting.

More like Bad Will Hunting.

Haunted house number four: This nightmare has happened in real life, but not for long. It’s not the dark that I’m afraid of, it’s the lack of entertainment. No internet, no TV, and even worse…your battery on your phone is below….20%. Please. Anything but that. Please…send a charger…and an electrical plug…

Haunted House number five: Perhaps scarier than all the rest. A haunted house that has created the illusion that the world no longer has the ability to create cheese. The cows have gone off the plantation, there is no beef, or milk. I can live without those things for a little while, but the other day, I was trying to calculate the amount of cheese that has entered my body and I think the number was infinity pounds? I honestly don’t know what a day would be like without the creamy, zesty, flaborful, uh I mean flavorful taste of cheese. Please don’t make me go inside that haunted house.

Enough of the scares. I’m going to need to go to get a bagel with cheese before I have real nightmares about cheese disappearing from my life.

ARRRRRGGGGHHHHHH

Bitter Nightmares Ben

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64 thoughts on “Bitter Haunted Houses

  1. I was in a good mood till you made me think about a house without cheese. I just ate a cheese sandwich, so that obviously means if there was no cheese, I would have no identity. Spooky!

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  2. Pingback: Bitter Haunted Houses — Ben’s Bitter Blog – Alpha-Omega-Affiliate

  3. Four more “haunted houses” and you could have all 9 circles of Hell. Yikes! The small talker one would be the worst for me. Forget about cheese, what about one without COFFEE? Now that scares me. 🙂

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  4. The hair from my beagle blows across the kitchen floor like tumbleweeds in Tombstone. Who ever thought a dog that small could generate so much loose hair blowing about. My scary room would have me entering and asking my wife, “How was your day?” Or the equally terrifying, “Whatcha thinking?”

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  5. How about a haunted house where you sit in a drab gray cubicle listening to the sounds of your foreign-born neighbor slurping his food, chewing cashews, and accepting an average of 2 dozen phone calls per hour (without silencing his ring-tone, mind you) alternating between loud English and his mother-tongue coming from one side, while the endless drone of the world’s most NegativeKnow-It-All Nellie that ever lived entertains you over the back wall, all the while trying to read dense, technical reports and trying not to pretend that at least 2 people within earshot are CUTTING THEIR F’ING FINGERNAILS AT WORK? Oh wait….

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  6. Pretty sure that the Worst Ever Halloween candy is Whoppers. Which I’m handing out to trick-or-treats because we already ate all the M&Ms, Snickers, and Milky Way bars. Hopefully the kids don’t figure out that Whoppers make great ammo for throwing at houses of people who give out bad candy.

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  7. We used to hide in our house with the lights off because we feared trick or treaters would come to our door. Now we keep the lights on and even purchase candy, and they still don’t come. I think it’s because the homes in our neighborhood are on 1-acre lots and kids can get a lot more candy in shorter time in other neighborhoods. As for a haunted house, anything with spiders and snakes would positively freak me out — and, actually, hair, for I have often mistaken my own straggling pieces of hair for something creepy crawling on me… great ideas for haunted houses!

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  8. Ben – the last time I participated in Halloween was 2 years ago. The children that came to our door complained that they didn’t get enough candy and demanded more. I responded to their pleas by slamming the door in their greedy little faces. I wish I could send addition help but my phone is at low charge, I can’t find a charger and that is the only calculator I possess. I am typing this response from my old HP from 2008 and I fear the whirring sound means it will explode. As for small talk, that is truly the house of horrors. Oh, yeah..and hairphobia…..

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  9. A house with my mother in it would be the worst sort of haunted house ever. She talks nonstop and expects me to listen and give feedback beyond the usual “uh-huh” and “mm-hmm”. Drives me insane.

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