We all have that quitting-the-job fantasy, especially on those bitter days when your job sucks so bad, you’d rather run across a desert of glass shards than work another hour, take another phone call, or listen to your boss bark another order at you. Hot Mess, as she likes to be called over at Hot Mess Memoir already has her fantasy planned when she one day call it quits. Take a gander at this guest post about how she plans to quit her job one day.
How I Plan to Quit My Job
Thanks to my current job, over the past year, my blood pressure has increased to the point that it is now at a dangerous level. Sadly, I filled a prescription recently for a high blood pressure medicine. I didn’t want to fill it yet, but my family implored me not to do so, then spouted stories of how they ended up in the ER and blah, blah blah. At 39, I did not see this coming in any way, shape or form. In addition, because my boss has proved over the course of 11 months she has the leadership skills of a Chihuahua, all I can do is hope that I can get out of there.
Let me expand on this point for a moment. I have not had this sort of anxiety since I was 9, attending Catholic school where the nun would mentally abuse me and several other “weak” children calling us names over and over again. I’m sure she has found a comfy place in hell. Ironic, yes?
So today I got a call from an angel (recruiter), who couldn’t understand why no one had called me yet (Right? I know!). I had met with her last week and she let me know of a position that has become available. I would shovel snail turds for $4.63 an hour at this point, just to get out of my current situation.
About 8 months ago I began to laugh for no apparent reason. My youngest looked at me as if I had just sneezed a booger on his head. This is a common occurrence for me because you see absolutely nothing to laugh about. I however have a complete scene occurring in my head. Tonight, I will share that scene with you.
Basically, I want to organize a parade for my quitting. I want to offer anyone and everyone the opportunity to enter a float into my “I Quit This B**h” parade. That is the theme. My hope is that all entries will throw lots of candy to children on the parade route I plan on making during my 2 week notice.
I even hope for all the churches trying to increase attendance by marching in the parade and offering things like bottled water, blizzards and baby bunnies; just to get you to join. I always look forward to the church folk as they ALWAYS have the best loot to pass out. I’m not above throwing my 7 year old in their path and yelling “I want a king size Kit Kat! Make-it-happen!”
I promised the job of grand marshal to my husband. I’m super sorry if you were considering it but I do have to give it to those who are near and dear. I did stipulate that he MUST twirl a baton. I need to get my money’s worth and this will be a deal breaker should he not comply.
I am really hoping for Boy Scout floats. Why? They seem to ALWAYS throw candy to anyone and everyone. Seeing that we will be in the ghetto for part of the time, this will prove effective as many bums will be able to eat lunch that day. Sure, it will be 4 to 5 tootsie rolls, Hubba Bubba or a combo of both but beggars can’t be choosers.
I want to be on the last float. I want to have on a red (don’t know why, it has to be red, it just does) tap dance/recital costume. My hair needs to be bigger than Texas and I need to be wearing white boots. Just a cliché, horrible, parade queen, debutante, whatever you want to call it.
Once my float is roughly 15’ past the horse that proudly hangs 20’ in the air in front of the store, you will hear unassuming fireworks pop. Simultaneously, a white banner will then unravel on the side of my float, facing my former employer. The white banner will say “I QUIT THIS B***H!” While this is all occurring, I will be performing a tap dance I never learned in dance school. I am debating if be using a baton myself. Too much?
20 seconds later (and I expect absolutely no fan fair, and that is ok) the inertia of my float will make me jerk slightly away from the pull. I will sit down on a bundle of hay in my red leotard grinning smugly back at the place that was my hell for the past 12 months.
Boom Roasted! And ARRRRGGGGHHH
So, if you were given your fantasy quitting scenario what would yours be? Reply in the comments.