I just read the other day that there are only two countries in the world that allow prescription drugs to be advertised on television and one of those is the Good Ole USA. I have to say that I feel bad for the rest of the world because you guys are missing out on something pretty freaking magical. Since pharmaceutical companies have more ducats than Scrooge McDuck’s Vault, they have huge advertising budgets. This allows them to make ads that last 20 minutes, so they can deceive you with beautiful couples running through bright green meadows, because the medicine they take magically cures them of all their ills, both physical and mental. As they are running through the fields the PSAVOG (Pleasant Sounding Auctioneer Voice Over Guy) tells us how the medicine will give you relief from a headache, but WILL kill you in as nice a way as possible by telling you the side effects. You know the drill, “Adderall can cause nervousness, pychoticness, sleeplessness, fear, dry mouth, risk of constipation, internal bleeding, risk of high blood pressure, the seeing of elephants in your back yard, funnel cake syndrome, visions of flying toasters, and could make you allergic to living.”
The best part of the drugs are the fancy names. Names like Lutesse, Cymbalta, Lipitor, Cialis, Abilify, Celebrex, Humira, Chantix, Lyrica, and Nasonex. My daughter’s favorite is Latuda, because it sounds like a drug that makes you fart in French. Talk about a Peppi La Pew. Excuse me. I was thinking about how much money these “silent killers”(not the farts, weirdos) make and how much I want the type of ducats Scrouge McDuck makes, so I decided to start my own prescription drug company. Some of the drugs that will be offered by Bitter Pill Pharmaceuticals:
Falsettious – This is for the chronically fake. Fake tan, fake lips, fake brains, fake personality, fake instagram account, fake ID’s. This drug is for real. Side effects: Reality will bite them in the face, like an Ice Bucket Challenge to the head.
Latidor – For people that are always late. This drug will pull you out of bed, and get you in your car and get you to events or work on time. Side effects: Person may miss having to make up excuses.
Bitterol – For the chronically happy. They just have such a hard time being angry, sad or bitter all the time. This medicine will destroy the pink flowers and rosy filled unicorns always dancing in your head. Side effects: May cause you to think this blog is actually funny.
Sarknado – For those with a criminally low dose of sarcasm in their system. It enhances their sarcasm detector. Side effects – They may finally get the joke.
Humblebragex – For people that feign humility while not so subtly begging more an ego boost. Side effects: A big downturn in their instagram, twitter, Facebook and blog stats and likes. A small uptick in really world likes.
Promotisse – For people who have chronic sore wrists due to excessive business card handing out at party syndrome. Side effects: Slight numbness of the wrists after so little use.
Slowbalta – For the type A overachiever that just can’t slow down. Will slow patient to duotasking or less. Side effect: May cause permanent laziness.
Chatetrix – For people that have no understanding of visual social cues. Chaterix may help you figure out verbal cues from someone that doesn’t want you to talk to them so you can shut the heck up. Side effects: This may also make you stop talking to your cat or the television.
Complainex – For the chronicle complainer. Side effect: Non-bitterness. For this reason, I can’t take this one. You’ll just have to continue to deal with my complaining.
Sportress – It will help you be a little more understanding about why I need to yell at the television, I mean an individual needs to yell at the television, when that point guard made a bad pass or the ref blew a call. Side effects: You may end up yelling at the screen or enjoying sports.
Confidenta – For those that need help making complete idiots out of themselves at a party, or other social gathering better. Side effects: You may be invited to more parties and your blog might suffer.
Spiderex – For those that need to just calm down and not burn down the house whenever they see a spider or other tiny insect that couldn’t really hurt them because it is tiny. Side effect: May trick patient into thinking that spider is a butterfly or puppy.
Greeseify – For people that need to stop eating salad and kale so much and just eat a freaking burger or whole pizza every once in a while. Side effect: You might get invited to more parties. People might start talking to you.
Knowitall – For those that think they know it all, this is a hard pill to swallow. Side effects: People might start not deleting all your Facebook posts.
Hashtagnomore – For the habitual hashtagger. Side effect: You might have to actually explain something. Words may appear to you with a spaceinbetween.
Uncomfortable ads are coming to a television near you soon. If you do decide that you suffer from the symptoms of any of the above, make sure you see your doctor. In other completely unrelated news, Dr. Bitter Ben Gardner just opened an online medical practice. Stop on by!
Bitter Medicinal Ben