Mister Matched Presents the Troglodyte’s Victor Secret’s Bitter Carpet Show

They say that clothes make the man. Yeah, they make the man bitter. I guess I understand the need to wear them, but why does it have to be so complicated? Why did someone way back in the day make it necessary to have rules of fashion? Like things are supposed to match. Certain colors shouldn’t be worn after certain days of the year. Certain sandals should only be worn at the beach. Shorts should only be worn during the summer months, but only if your legs are darker than bleach. And if you are walking on a red carpet you have to have people with cameras and microphones judge who you wear. Yeah, you heard that right. Who you wear. I always thought clothes were things not people.

I think that the Red Carpet, the Met Gala, and every other carpet show needs to change. Not only the color of the carpet, but the kind of clothes that can be warn on it. And the judgement from the camera and microphone crowds needs to change from judging to observing (maybe sarcastically or snarkily, but observing).

So with further ado, Bitter Ben and Mister Matched present the Men’s Troglodyte Victor’s Secret Bitter Carpet show, where we walk the carpet, get pictures taken of us, we break all rules of fashion, and then when our walk is done, we just get back in our cars and go home. Because there is nothing inside. We wear clothes that fit and make us comfortable, regardless if they match, or are the right trendy color, or come with the right footwear and jewelry. And maybe we brush our hair or maybe we don’t.  Welcome to the TVS MMBC’s or the Bitteries for short.

I will be your MC for the event, but first I have to walk the plank, uh I mean, the greyish blue carpet. Today, I’m wearing my Shaggy from Scooby Doo inspired outfit, which consists of a Green Polo, brown corduroy pants, shoes of some sort of mismatched brown hue, and a perpetually confused look on my face from eating too many Scooby snacks that are meant for a dog, and running scared from criminals that dress in fake masks. As I do my forward moonwalk on the carpet, I wave to the crowd uneasily as my talking dogs is nowhere to be found and eerie music plays in the background.

First up, we have Confused about the weather Guy. He is wearing a light brown jacket with a black “vintage” Star Wars T-shirt that he got for $4.99 at the JcPenney’s sale rack, some green plaid shorts that zip up, a belt one size too tight, some white Nike socks, and Velcroed sandals. See the less than confident stroll he has as he goes to the beach. Watch his struggle to decide whether he should wear his $20 from Walgreen’s sunglasses, put them in his crowded pockets or if he should hang them with the stem from his shirt.

Next, we have Just Got Home from Work Trying to get Comfortable Guy. Right next to his work clothes throw hastily on the floor, Comfortable Guy is wearing the random first black shirt he could see in his dresser, and pairs that up with some blue sports sweats that don’t match anything except the bruise he got from trying to play basketball way after any medical professional say he should.

Next on the Grayish Blue carpet, we have Going to the Mall on a Saturday Guy. His fashion reflects the amount of effort that coincides with his desire to go to the mall. He has backwards baseball cap to mismatch his favorite gray T shirt he slept in, along with a pair of jorts with the stain that will not go away. He pulls all that together with some shoes that he has worn with no socks many times, to wick that sweat directly toward him.

Then we have the Going to the Family Reunion Guy. He is wearing his “You better wear something at least a little nice” shirt, his blue “Sunday” pants, his brown socks and his worn to the leather works shoes. Watch his comfort level plummet as he is forced to stay way longer than should be legal at the reunion. Watch as he is stuck in perpetual purgatory, between having to meet another random relative that he will never see again until the next reunion, and trying to hide near the punch so he won’t have to talk to anyone anymore, to him getting in trouble for trying to hide near the punch bowl. See him imagine his Just Got Home from Work Trying to Get Comfortable outfit, before getting the “you need to be more social” lecture.

And lastly, we have Loot Crate Guy. The guy that just got his monthly Loot Crate, which contains the cool new T-shirt of the month, and some odd accessories. He will try to these as long as possible before getting the, “Okay, we need to take that off.” He’s wearing his 80’s style pixel sunglasses, the latest Spock vs. Spock rivalry T-shirt, a Daredevil/Punisher reversible beanie he has no business wearing, some Harry Potter socks, and his exclusive Vikings Drinking horn around his neck. This novelty wearing dude walks the grayish blue carpet confidently until his significant other quickly pulls him off the carpet to tell him that he looks ridiculous.

Well, that was one amazingly bitter show this year folks. There was some definite buzz in the air this year, but we promise to get rid of the bees next year so that won’t be a problem. Until next year, I hope you get to get away with wearing some of these fashionable digs before someone comes along and ruins it for everyone.

ARRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHH

Bitter Fashion Backwards Ben