An ode to my Mother

You know how today is Mother’s Day? And you know how you are supposed to shower not only so you don’t smell and she doesn’t faint from your odor, but also shower her with gifts and compliments and praise today and then take her for granted the rest of the year? Well, I’m not gonna do that.

Let me just tell you a little about my mother. She made growing up bitter really hard to do.

She let me hang around a lot rent free.  6 months in, I was growing like an impatient weed that wanted to take over the forest.  But I wasn’t fully bitter yet, so she just kept letting me stay in the womb rent free and didn’t make me leave until I was 9 months old. I finally realized that it was getting a little cramped in there. And when I came out, I kept wanting to scream and yell about the conditions to someone, but she just kept calming me down, by soothing me, making me warm and feeding me. It was hard to complain when she just kept plugging me mouth with food. I mean could you just let me cry and complain for a while? Even when I tried to scream in the middle of the night she kept trying to calm me down. Uggggghhh, some people.

hanging out

Just let me hang out.

She kept cooking me food. I thought it would be really easy to be cranky and bitter if she just let me starve a little. Or at least get a little hungry. But for some reason, she had to come along and feed me 3 meals a day, plus snacks. It’s like she never let me go hungry or starve. How is a guy supposed to be a starving artist, or even a starving bitterman, when a mother keeps coming around fulfilling his needs all the time?

sdfdf

So good.

She kept teaching me about other emotions. I kept wanting to be a one trick pony of bitterness all the time. She taught me to layer bitterness like my coats going out into the South Dakota winter. She taught me a good bitterness starts out with emotions like anger, aggression, sadness, and disdain, but then if you mix in a little humor and love it will make it all wash down a little bit better for the common person. Of course, I never listened that good advice.

My range of emotions before my mom came along.

My range of emotions before my mom came along.

She taught me the value of hard work. Going somewhere everyday and doing a job will gain you trust from co-workers, bosses and customers, she said. It will get you many places in life. This one kind of backfired on her. It sure did get me places. Bitter places. Little did she know that hard work only made me bitter. Made me want to lay on the couch more. It gave me an appreciation for how little other co-workers value hard work. And how much it made me bitter to see how other people don’t work and how I keep having to pick up their slack. would always have to pick up their slack. It only helps them appreciate you when you are gone.

I work really hard...tomorrow.

I work really hard…tomorrow.

She taught me about the value of honesty.  This one comes in handy when getting other people bitter at you. Why sugar coat something, when you can bitter coat it instead? Instead of telling someone you are fine with them being late, just tell them that they made you bitter because you hoped they would be on time. Instead of telling someone you don’t care that they messed up on the project, tell them honestly they ruined your life because they screwed up and they don’t get any second chances. It’s better than making someone believe they are okay to screw up all the time.

To be honest, you are the worst.

To be honest, you are the worst.

Last of all, she taught me to be an extrovert. She taught me to talk to people. To use words when other people are around. Make conversation with other humans and you might start realizing that you have things in common with them and you might actually want to talk with them more. Unfortunately that didn’t take and I decided to be an introvert. I decided to enjoy not being around people and not expressing my feeling outwardly, but writing my bitter thoughts in a journal, so that someday, I could express them on a computer website. I haven’t realized that dream yet, but it won’t be because I never tried.

Moms sure do make it hard to be bitter, but if you really try your hardest to defy them you can be bitter like me. It just takes a lot of ignoring, not listening, and laying around when they tell you to work hard. And do your best to avoid their affections. Running from hugs, dodging kisses and running from compliments is a hard job, but you can do it with a little effort. Happy Mother’s Day mom. Even if my bitterness tried its best to make it not so.

ARRRRRRGGGGGHHHHH

Bitter Mother’s Day Ben

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49 thoughts on “An ode to my Mother

  1. Your mom reared a wonderfully bitter young man. I mean, what other kind of child could a kind loving, nurturing, mother raise? Stay bitter, remain jaded. The world is a better bitter place when Ben rages on.

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  2. I thought when I moved to the USA I could con my 2 kids into giving me TWO Mother’s Day…. didn’t quite work out that way. The first year I got neither. The second year after HUGE HINTS I got a single card on the American Mother’s Day. I gave up on them after that and let my husband do the nagging. BTW my kids are 21 and almost 19!! I’m not bitter (much)

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  3. I often think I’m turning into my mother, which means she must have a streak of bitterness somewhere in her. I’m a dog mother (rather than a mother of little humans) and it makes me bitter if they roll in scat or get sprayed by a skunk then hop back in bed like nothing happened. But they got me a gift certificate for a pedicure, so I can’t complain. They figure if I’m going to make them get their gnarly toenails trimmed, I better get mine done, too. So I’ll share my deluxe pizza with them. 🙂

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    • I’ve never felt myself turning into my mother. In fact, I don’t feel motherly at all. Clearly something is wrong with me, because she is nice and good, and she got a demon bitter boy for a son.
      Are you sure you don’t want to share you pizza with me?

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  4. In my family, if anyone is ever bitter on Mothers Day it’s my mum. Not because we DON’T buy her gifts, but because we DO.
    She gets bitter because we spoil her! I’ll never understand her, but whatever. Its a nice way to keep busy and make sure she stays her grumpy old self 🙂

    Which makes me think… are you sure you don’t have a Dutch mum? O_o

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  5. hmmmm. my mother (& sometimes dad) would attempt many of the same things you’ve listed. I guess I was bitter ’cause she was so nice.
    and the phenomenon still occurs (tho’ they’ve been gone a dozen years) when I do something especially stoopyd and noteworthy (or so I think) and I want to tell them (both M & D) and then I suspect they already know. and I should go visit them, i’m a few years over-due. ah heck. this might get maudlin, and if I was bitter and maudlin it’d fit in here. visit them? their ashes were last seen in the Sea of Cortez off of San Carlos (Mex.). Perhaps some of what was once their material/physical matter is now a Grate White Shark! (YIPPEE !)

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  6. Yeah, Mom’s are the worst. They let you live in a nice cozy place for 9 months, and then they kick you out, tell you to go to school, get a job, etc. And all this time they want to tell you how much they love you. Blech! It’s a bittersweet day, today.

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