You know how today is Mother’s Day? And you know how you are supposed to shower not only so you don’t smell and she doesn’t faint from your odor, but also shower her with gifts and compliments and praise today and then take her for granted the rest of the year? Well, I’m not gonna do that.
Let me just tell you a little about my mother. She made growing up bitter really hard to do.
She let me hang around a lot rent free. 6 months in, I was growing like an impatient weed that wanted to take over the forest. But I wasn’t fully bitter yet, so she just kept letting me stay in the womb rent free and didn’t make me leave until I was 9 months old. I finally realized that it was getting a little cramped in there. And when I came out, I kept wanting to scream and yell about the conditions to someone, but she just kept calming me down, by soothing me, making me warm and feeding me. It was hard to complain when she just kept plugging me mouth with food. I mean could you just let me cry and complain for a while? Even when I tried to scream in the middle of the night she kept trying to calm me down. Uggggghhh, some people.
Just let me hang out.
She kept cooking me food. I thought it would be really easy to be cranky and bitter if she just let me starve a little. Or at least get a little hungry. But for some reason, she had to come along and feed me 3 meals a day, plus snacks. It’s like she never let me go hungry or starve. How is a guy supposed to be a starving artist, or even a starving bitterman, when a mother keeps coming around fulfilling his needs all the time?
So good.
She kept teaching me about other emotions. I kept wanting to be a one trick pony of bitterness all the time. She taught me to layer bitterness like my coats going out into the South Dakota winter. She taught me a good bitterness starts out with emotions like anger, aggression, sadness, and disdain, but then if you mix in a little humor and love it will make it all wash down a little bit better for the common person. Of course, I never listened that good advice.
My range of emotions before my mom came along.
She taught me the value of hard work. Going somewhere everyday and doing a job will gain you trust from co-workers, bosses and customers, she said. It will get you many places in life. This one kind of backfired on her. It sure did get me places. Bitter places. Little did she know that hard work only made me bitter. Made me want to lay on the couch more. It gave me an appreciation for how little other co-workers value hard work. And how much it made me bitter to see how other people don’t work and how I keep having to pick up their slack. would always have to pick up their slack. It only helps them appreciate you when you are gone.
I work really hard…tomorrow.
She taught me about the value of honesty. This one comes in handy when getting other people bitter at you. Why sugar coat something, when you can bitter coat it instead? Instead of telling someone you are fine with them being late, just tell them that they made you bitter because you hoped they would be on time. Instead of telling someone you don’t care that they messed up on the project, tell them honestly they ruined your life because they screwed up and they don’t get any second chances. It’s better than making someone believe they are okay to screw up all the time.
To be honest, you are the worst.
Last of all, she taught me to be an extrovert. She taught me to talk to people. To use words when other people are around. Make conversation with other humans and you might start realizing that you have things in common with them and you might actually want to talk with them more. Unfortunately that didn’t take and I decided to be an introvert. I decided to enjoy not being around people and not expressing my feeling outwardly, but writing my bitter thoughts in a journal, so that someday, I could express them on a computer website. I haven’t realized that dream yet, but it won’t be because I never tried.
Moms sure do make it hard to be bitter, but if you really try your hardest to defy them you can be bitter like me. It just takes a lot of ignoring, not listening, and laying around when they tell you to work hard. And do your best to avoid their affections. Running from hugs, dodging kisses and running from compliments is a hard job, but you can do it with a little effort. Happy Mother’s Day mom. Even if my bitterness tried its best to make it not so.
ARRRRRRGGGGGHHHHH
Bitter Mother’s Day Ben