If you’ve noticed the lack of enthusiasm coming from this side of the bitterblogosphere, it’s because I’ve been on vacation this week. Going to exotic locations like the grocery store, the movie theatre and the backyard to avoid getting a lawsuits because of our stupid trampoline. I don’t generally go to exotic locales because you guys haven’t exactly contributed to my Kickstarter fund, which is all about making me independently wealthy, by virtue of making you guys all dependently poor. Since that hasn’t been trending on Twitter, my dream of living off your nightmares hasn’t come to fruition, but you know, when have my dream ever come true? That’s why I’m so bitter all the time.
Speaking of me trying to live off your nightmares, doesn’t it just make you so bitter that things just aren’t fair all the time in life? I’m guessing your mom or dad has probably been telling you since the beginning of time that life isn’t fair, just like mine. But it doesn’t mean you should have to suppress those bitter feelings about it. Unless you are an introvert like me and instead you just like to write essays and blog posts about it.
Like for instance, how in the heavens name can companies try to pretend like there is a thing called work-life balance? I don’t know about you, but I work 5 days a week and go to church one day a week. If there really was a balance, I would work 3 1/2 days, and be home 3 1/2 days. And I wouldn’t work 12 months out of the year, I would work 6(I would even give up my sick days and vacation days. Just kidding, I wouldn’t.) and the commute time would be part of my work day (at least the drive there) and the companies should pay for that. Either that, or quit trying to make up this thing called work-life balance. And they should go halfsies on vacation expenses, and gas for work. It’s pretty clear work is on the high side of the teeter totter.
Speaking of balance, why are only people that defy gravity able to juggle? I mean just because I lean a little to the left because of a shorter leg, have a short attention span when it comes to throwing three balls in the air for more than three or four times, and not a fan of gravity, why can’t I be just as good at juggling as the pro jugglers? Why does juggling have to be so elitist towards people with good balance? And why should they get all kinds of ravenous, loyal fans just because they can throw a bowling ball, a chainsaws and a gas can in the air? Why can’t I get mad fans for being able to scowl in several different ways? Why does that kind of talent not make the finals of America’s Got Talent and lose bitterly to the ventriloquist? Because when it comes to talent, jugglers get the top rung of the ladder.
And when it comes to entertainment that both thrills and is the cause of the vast majority of potential injuries and lawsuits at our house, the trampoline wins the World Series of NBA Championship of Golf Super Bowl. I don’t know if it’s the stretchy material that has the potential to launch someone 15 feet in the air, the proclivity to attract 40 neighborhood kids to gather on a tramp at a time like dudes are to chicken wings, or if it is the tendency for kids to try doing flips, flops and odd contorting on a tramp that they never attempt on land, but those things are a circular, metal springed, lawsuit waiting to happen. And here we are with an improperly balanced tort machine when we should be jailed for our imbalance of even letting kids anywhere near that thing. Good thing they won’t ever attempt to do anything stupid on there.
Well, I’m sure you thought this post started out on a great note and then faded from there. But I’m a writer dang it, and just because this post wasn’t completely balanced just perfectly for you, maybe you shouldn’t be such a hypocrite. I’ve seen your checkbook and it isn’t balanced either. Some excessive money in your account hasn’t been donated to Kickstarter. Balance it up, weirdos.
Bitter Out of Balance Ben