Bitter Wake-Up Call

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Time to wake..AAAAHHHHHUP!

Some of them come with a beep. Some play music. Some come to your hotel room via old school annoying telephone ring. Some even come with the smell of fresh napalm.

Jim Carrey had it wrong when he thought he made the most annoying sound in the word. We all know the most annoying sound in the world is the alarm clock.  Of course, you would be unwelcome if you were interrupting the King of the Goblins from leading his forces into battle. Or alerting the Dark Shadows of my laser like ninja skills just as I’m about to take out their lead assassin.

The alarm clock is taking away the most important part of sleep, R.E.M., singing about the end of the world as we know, and I feel fine, and jolting that sleep into wake. Who is to say that our exciting dream world isn’t the real one, and we are only dreaming about the going to work and doing our mundane jobs, so we can relax our minds from all the  excitement that we thought our dreams were.

Uhh, no you don't.

Uhh, no you don’t.

Regardless, no one likes a wake up call. That is, unless your wake up call is the sun and you have a fictional job, in which you are excited to go everyday, and your boss is some sort of magical fairy and work is way better than having mind control powers over the Greek Gods. That kind of person is called a unicorn my friends, and unicorns only exist in dreams. Or nightmares, depending on what they are trying to destroy with their rainbow armies. So you either need to wake them up, or you need to go back to sleep.

Wake up calls, like alarm clocks, are meant to jolt you into shame. Some would claim they are meant to improve your life, but the improvement is for the person making the wake up call. For instance, you are probably enjoying your time in your parent’s basement, playing video games and not getting a job, sleeping until noon and enjoying mom’s brunches when you finally crawl out of bed. Being told you need to get a job isn’t improving your life. It is your parent’s lives that are improving. They are the ones that won’t have to see you for 40+ hours a week. You will have to know their misery.

What's not cool about it, George?

What’s not cool about it, George?

Another wake up call might be when you have a near death experience. Like that one time when you were absent-mindedly driving on the sidewalk, minding your own business, just thinking about what you were going to have for dinner that night, when a pedestrian comes out of nowhere and almost hits your car and you have to swerve into the road at 5 miles an hour. Things like that can make you think about your life and how you should yell really loudly at the pedestrian for being so reckfull and telling them how short life could have been for you. Now you might have to go and get your heart checked because of how careful that citizen was with their “obeying the law” and “watching where they were going” headsupedness.

Some pedestrians, I swear. Always getting in the way on sidewalks.

Some pedestrians, I swear. Always getting in the way on sidewalks.

Another wake up call might come in the form of a business you are running. For instance, you might see something that seems to be doing very well like Netflix and think to yourself, “Something needs to change in this industry. Netflix seems to be capturing the imagination of the people with their exciting new shows and their streaming services over the internet.” So you decide that although expensive, you are going to start doing this really inefficient way of capturing movies. You will put them on these things call VHS tapes and then you will build machines to put them in called VCR’s. The quality will be bottom notch and the experience will be inconvenient. Customers will have to leave their houses, travel down to the store and look at the thousands of movies being out of stock, thousands of overpriced candies and the possibility of a bitter thing called late fees. If a customer is even one second late, a fee will be charged in which they will have to pay even more that the original rental price. But the best part is if there is a movie they don’t want, they can just forget where they put it, and we will charge double what the movie would have been. This is a devolutionary idea. Maybe I will name it after what a great movie will make. How about Blockbuster. I will take this idea to the Shark Tank and see who wants to “Make this a Blockbuster Night!”

Assembly line, yo! Let's make all the VHS tapes!

Assembly line, yo! Let’s make all the VHS tapes!

And while you all can’t have these simply amazingly bad ideas floating around in your heads like me, you shouldn’t have to. You should be able to stay a Ninja or Goblin leader, but that stupid alarm clock keeps thinking it’s okay to wake you up right in the middle of a big deal with the Shark Tank so you can go brush your teeth and fight the evil auditor at work.

ARRRRRGGGHHHHH

Bitter “Okay Shut Up, I’ll wake up if you just stop making that annoying noise” Ben

44 thoughts on “Bitter Wake-Up Call”

  3. I use YouTube only to watch Weird Al Yankovic videos and fart pranks.
    Ever have one of those days where you forget to turn on the alarm and jerk awake (late!!??) in a complete panic? Subject of my latest: DISORIENTATION
    After night shift
    in the dead of winter,
    I fall asleep at once.
    My eyes jerk open.
    It’s eight o’clock.
    It’s pitch dark outside.
    I have slept either
    fifteen minutes
    or twelve hours.
    In a blind panic,
    I catapult myself
    into the shower
    and lather up,
    realizing too late
    it is the former.
    So I rinse and dry,
    ease back into bed,
    and sink my damp head
    deep into my pillow.
    In the blink of an eye,
    I’m down for the count,
    only to startle awake
    and do it all over again
    at eight-thirty.

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    • I was having that exact conversation with my son yesterday. I was talking to him about violence and how he shouldn’t be watching stuff on Youtube. He should be watching stuff like rainbows and unicorns, but then said he should be careful of unicorns because they could impale you. Then he asked what impaling was and I told him and I was like, maybe you shouldn’t watch unicorns.

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      Reply

  7. “Like that one time when you were absent-mindedly driving on the sidewalk” – my mum managed to take a wrong turn on a roundabout, miss the road (??) and end up on a cycling-path! :’) Thank goodness her car is small enough to fit there, and there was no other traffic around. But still :’)

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