The Time Thief

Sorry George, we ran out of our best seller.

Sorry George, we ran out of our best seller.

I worked a shift at the jerk store this weekend. I passed out some sample insults, sold some high fives to the face, locked people out of bathrooms, and started a food fight in the cafeteria. When they finally let me go home 4 hours late, I lazed on the couch, ate my typical food that wasn’t good for me, and played some video games. When I woke up this morning something strange happened. The clocks were all fighting. Some were blinking, others were a little slow and some were trying to speed right through the day.

Then one of the clocks reminded me that it wasn’t their fault. They claimed they were all at the mercy of this “thief” Daylight savings Time. The computer clocks were thrust forward without so much as kind word. The manual clocks weren’t considered worthy of Daylight Savings “time”, so he left them in the dust, hoping that a kind soul would help them keep up in the great time race. Since no one kind was available, I was forced to chase down all 50 some clocks in the house, figure out to change each one, then hope the heck that the one clock I missed wasn’t the one responsible for waking me up in the morning.

Even clocks are lazy on daylight savings time.

Even clocks are lazy on daylight savings time.

Daylight Savings Time is a thief. He stole an hour of my laziness, an hour of my sit aroundedness, an hour of TV, an hour of video games, an hour of unadulterated snacking, an hour of me being bitter about the woodpecker pounding on our chimney. He stole all those things from me. But the coup de grace? He had to do it on the weekend. The time when time is in fast forward mode already. He couldn’t do it at 2 pm on a weekday when all I want to do is move the clock closer to going home or at 4 pm when I’m sitting in traffic? No he has to choose the frickin middle of the night on a weekend to fast forward. Jerk. Maybe I need to have him work a few shifts at the Jerk Store. He would offend all our customers just fine.

Yeah, you think?

Yeah, you think?

ARRRRRGGGGGHHHHHH

Bitter Daylight Savings Time

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34 thoughts on “The Time Thief

  1. Oh my God, so true! Can we discuss for a moment the ass hole who decided an 8 am game on SUNDAY MORNING was a good idea for P’s soccer? Due to Dayhate Savings Time, it pushed us to 7AM but we are asked to get there 30 minutes early sooooo really 6:30 am. Look, I’m all for additional sun light but I really don’t feel like we need to suffer for it.

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  2. I could answer phones for the Jerk Store… “Jerk Store, can you hold?” and after they’ve been on hold for 10 or 15 minutes, hang up on them. What do they expect, I mean, they DID call the JERK STORE!! That’s probably where cable company operators get their training. Not that I’m at all bitter about that. Nah, not me. Keep ’em coming, Ben.

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  3. Indiana is closer for me. They started out rejecting the whole idea, but a lot of the border towns adopted it to help out the folks who live in one state and work in the other. Nowadays, it’s anybody’s guess which towns there do it and which towns don’t. I know! I’ll move there and we’ll send all the wishy-washy legislators to the Jerk Store.

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  4. I’d like to open a franchise of the Jerk Store, please. And I don’t want to talk about daylight savings time. It’s too soon. Obviously whoever came up with that brilliant idea was sterile and never even dreamed of having children.

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