If I had a Self Driving Car


One of the few uses for Google.

Google is good for a few things I guess. Like baeing my spelchck, being a Pac-Man emulator in a pinch, helping me remember how to get to Google.com and Facebook.com when I get too lazy, or giving me directions home when my memory loss kicks in.  What were we talking about? Oh yes, and the stalking enhancement tools are some of the world’s finest, or so I’ve heard from a guy I know named Bean, who runs a blog called Bean’s Biter Blog.  He tells me that Google Maps allows you to look at people  houses’ from the street if you wanted to. Whatever, weirdo.

Other than that, Google is pretty useless. Except I hear they are coming out with a self-driving car, which may be useful to the Bitter Community (not Biter community. Those people are the weirdest.)

So if I were given a self driving car, you know, to test it for testing purposes, because I would review it on my blog to my massive 4 person audience, here is a list of things I would do with this car.

First, I would make fun of it’s nerdy shape.

What a nerd!

What a nerd!

Then, I would be late for appointments. And finally have someone else, I mean something else to blame. “The car went down a one way street. And messed up on the four way stop.”

Get lost. But I wouldn’t be able to ask for directions because the car wouldn’t let me out at the gas station to ask.

I'm on my way.

I’m on my way.

I would set the radio up to play the music from Jaws.  Then creep up on people at work while they are making copies and honk the horn really loud.

Drive and park everywhere. Like not just drive to work, but drive inside work. And when I need to take a break, drive from my cubicle to the break room, or to the bathroom, or to a meeting. And park right next to my seats.

Go to a lot of drive thru’s. Not only figuratively, but literally. Drive thru McDonald’s, drive through people’s living rooms, drive through red lights. Blame car.

Cheat on the Amazing Race. Pack the old self-driving car in our backpacks, and whenever we need to get through the busy streets of India, hop in the old self-driving car and have it Dodge, duck, dip, dive and Dodge the way through the streets. If we are lost in the desert, pretend you are asking a native the directions somewhere and the old GPS in the car will lead us right there.

Late night pizza runs. Too tired to get up from the couch during one of my video game marathons and need a pizza? Send the car. Have it call in your order, tell it to grab a little change out of the glove box and tell it, if it isn’t back in 15 minutes, the order is free.

"I'm just here for the pizza." - My car

“I’m just here for the pizza.” – My car

Participate in Monster Truck Rally’s. No practice required.

Speaking of no practice, have it take the kids to soccer practice, because there is a Community Marathon on and you are kind of busy right now. Make sure the car has some oranges for halftime. And some extra shin guards, because those things are useless.

I would have it pretend to be a cop car. Pull people over, turn on the siren when I’m late for an appointment (with my couch), put people in jail, issue parking tickets. If I ever get pulled over for impersonating a police officer, just pretend to sleep and say it was the super smart car that was doing it, not some lazy person like me. Geez officer.

Start my own clown car community. Only the not the main one, because I need my space and can’t stand other people and especially not other clowns, but you know, the head car that leads these idiots into circuses.

Sell stuff out of the back of my car, while at long stop lights. “Ma’am, I see your car tabs are expiring next month. Can I interest you in a sticker that says ’17 on it?” or “Hey sir, you look really hungry. Can I interest you in some fries I found in the cupholder only two days ago?”

Car sledding. Those cold mornings when you normally drive really slowly to avoid accidents are over. Embrace the ice, cause your car is in charge. It will be just like your first time sledding. Heck, even bring some water to throw on the roads for your uptight commuter friends to have a slip n slid they won’t soon forgive you for.

Fireworks out of the back of the car. Refer to two paragraphs before if you want to sell them to your communeighbors, or better yet, light those suckers off yourself for an even more explosive time. Guaranteed to make you even more frenemies than you already have.

Car firework show!

Car firework show!

The most important thing you need is a way to pay for all these things. Fireworks, gas, a way to afford all the tickets you are going to get costs money. That’s where bank robberies come in. And what would be a better getaway car, than the car that is doesn’t need a driver? These things are made for this.

Now that I’ve exhausted (get it, exhaust) all my ideas, what are yours?


Bitter Self Driving but not motivated Ben



72 thoughts on “If I had a Self Driving Car

  1. I’m waiting for the moment when the cars come pre-programmed with a particular personality to fit the job it does. taxi cars talk constantly, don’t speak your langugage, and always go the long way around. book mobiles have a loud shhh function, and automatically park on the front step until the person gives back the overdue books. of course, you would need a conductor car, to keep everyone in line, and a bitter car, to write the true reviews of how bitter everything really is out there. the real fun,though, would come when you buy a car to fit your secret personality.


    • That is a great idea, and I wish I would have thought of it. Now all the patents are going to you and once again you will become a big success from your bitterness in me not thinking about these things. Bitterness leads to success!

      Liked by 1 person

  2. “Too tired to get up from the couch during one of my video game marathons and need a pizza? Send the car.” This. Is. Brilliant! Now I want one! And when you’re not using it, you can clearly just fold the car up and put it in your bag (it’s so small, aww).

    Also, does this mean you finally get to sleep behind the wheel?

    IS there even a wheel?


  3. Does this car talk? I like your ideas. All very sensible. I might be inclined to stay home and have the car to places for me. Now I think like you about driving f inside. When the weather is nasty couldn’t we stay in our cars and shop? But better for me if I stay home. A great day is a day I don’t have to even out on panties. Right? These cars really should work for us.
    The jaws music is good.. Also need glow in dark head lights.


  4. you’ve made me really? angry (yoove prawblee guest i have liddl or know self-control):


    i don’t know why, but this sort of divulgement (or, if anyone prefers, divulgerration, kind of like XXXaggerayshun) makes me on edge, and more nervous than usual.


    • seriously (yeah, rite) — no, really — it’s been a (seems long) while since i lafft out loud while reading something.. you really don’t NEED people to tell you that some day, with either LUCK or possibly a little effort, that you could be brilliant?


      • I’m brilliant in only one thing and that is being bitter. Any kind of thing that comes from that is pure luck.
        And by the way, do you know you have a skill for spelling things in an awkward way that I’ve never seen before so don’t look past your own brilliance.

        Liked by 1 person

        • I know you would (begrudgingly?) consider that my so-called ‘brilliance’ could be, if not a posturing of same,be the exact opposite of brilliance (witch uv coarse kud aapppeeeer az ‘brilliant’) butt knot brilliant, say maybe dark-matteringly-all-substance-sucking-into-itself-ed-ness. oar sumtheeng like that.


        • It is something I have no ability to do. I am always editing my misspelled words and would have a hard time doing it like you. And honestly, it is something different and bold and that is why it is brilliant.


  5. Will it run over geese? ‘Cause it should. Geese piss me off. It should stop for cats, dogs, squirrels, bunnies, and basically everything except geese. Or have lasers! Lasers for geese massacres. Maybe I’m just in a bad mood tonight.


  6. The getaway car concept would be cool if these things drove faster than like, 8 miles per hour. I’m pretty sure that a cop on a Segway could overtake you, then write you a ticket for that expired registration sticker. I’m a no on the self-driving car, though. I finally got a driver’s license at age 26, and now that I have tasted the power of being the one behind the wheel, I wouldn’t give it up to Siri or Cortana or any of their cousins.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. I’m trying to get past that hilariously picture of the nerd car but I can’t stop laughing at it. I want to hug it and tell it that everything is going to be okay once it gets past high school.


    • First of all, congrats on your first award I’m sure of many. Second, I nominate your for all the awards I got and haven’t passed on yet. And third, my spirit animal is grumpy cat. Because I can’t stand cats, I feel like the world should be serving me while I am lazy, and I always want people leaving me alone. And a mongoose.

      Liked by 3 people

  8. I’ve got just the one for you here! We sell these Ha! I especially love it when colleges or airlines come over to test drive one and it’s two really tall big guys and I always crack up watching them drive off in one. I will say this, they’re very cost efficient but that’s about it 😀


  9. You just know that Google’s self driving car will be the ugliest thing on the road. But don’t couont on having it gety you anywhere faster. It will be programmed to obey all traffic regulations.


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