Google is good for a few things I guess. Like baeing my spelchck, being a Pac-Man emulator in a pinch, helping me remember how to get to Google.com and Facebook.com when I get too lazy, or giving me directions home when my memory loss kicks in. What were we talking about? Oh yes, and the stalking enhancement tools are some of the world’s finest, or so I’ve heard from a guy I know named Bean, who runs a blog called Bean’s Biter Blog. He tells me that Google Maps allows you to look at people houses’ from the street if you wanted to. Whatever, weirdo.
Other than that, Google is pretty useless. Except I hear they are coming out with a self-driving car, which may be useful to the Bitter Community (not Biter community. Those people are the weirdest.)
So if I were given a self driving car, you know, to test it for testing purposes, because I would review it on my blog to my massive 4 person audience, here is a list of things I would do with this car.
First, I would make fun of it’s nerdy shape.
Then, I would be late for appointments. And finally have someone else, I mean something else to blame. “The car went down a one way street. And messed up on the four way stop.”
Get lost. But I wouldn’t be able to ask for directions because the car wouldn’t let me out at the gas station to ask.
I would set the radio up to play the music from Jaws. Then creep up on people at work while they are making copies and honk the horn really loud.
Drive and park everywhere. Like not just drive to work, but drive inside work. And when I need to take a break, drive from my cubicle to the break room, or to the bathroom, or to a meeting. And park right next to my seats.
Go to a lot of drive thru’s. Not only figuratively, but literally. Drive thru McDonald’s, drive through people’s living rooms, drive through red lights. Blame car.
Cheat on the Amazing Race. Pack the old self-driving car in our backpacks, and whenever we need to get through the busy streets of India, hop in the old self-driving car and have it Dodge, duck, dip, dive and Dodge the way through the streets. If we are lost in the desert, pretend you are asking a native the directions somewhere and the old GPS in the car will lead us right there.
Late night pizza runs. Too tired to get up from the couch during one of my video game marathons and need a pizza? Send the car. Have it call in your order, tell it to grab a little change out of the glove box and tell it, if it isn’t back in 15 minutes, the order is free.
Participate in Monster Truck Rally’s. No practice required.
Speaking of no practice, have it take the kids to soccer practice, because there is a Community Marathon on and you are kind of busy right now. Make sure the car has some oranges for halftime. And some extra shin guards, because those things are useless.
I would have it pretend to be a cop car. Pull people over, turn on the siren when I’m late for an appointment (with my couch), put people in jail, issue parking tickets. If I ever get pulled over for impersonating a police officer, just pretend to sleep and say it was the super smart car that was doing it, not some lazy person like me. Geez officer.
Start my own clown car community. Only the not the main one, because I need my space and can’t stand other people and especially not other clowns, but you know, the head car that leads these idiots into circuses.
Sell stuff out of the back of my car, while at long stop lights. “Ma’am, I see your car tabs are expiring next month. Can I interest you in a sticker that says ’17 on it?” or “Hey sir, you look really hungry. Can I interest you in some fries I found in the cupholder only two days ago?”
Car sledding. Those cold mornings when you normally drive really slowly to avoid accidents are over. Embrace the ice, cause your car is in charge. It will be just like your first time sledding. Heck, even bring some water to throw on the roads for your uptight commuter friends to have a slip n slid they won’t soon forgive you for.
Fireworks out of the back of the car. Refer to two paragraphs before if you want to sell them to your communeighbors, or better yet, light those suckers off yourself for an even more explosive time. Guaranteed to make you even more frenemies than you already have.
The most important thing you need is a way to pay for all these things. Fireworks, gas, a way to afford all the tickets you are going to get costs money. That’s where bank robberies come in. And what would be a better getaway car, than the car that is doesn’t need a driver? These things are made for this.
Now that I’ve exhausted (get it, exhaust) all my ideas, what are yours?
Bitter Self Driving but not motivated Ben