Bitter Thanksgiving everyone! I know you are at home right now, dying because you are trapped in the kitchen making stuff, or trapped being with your boooring family, or stuck watching your sucky football team lose miserably by just 1 point, or stuck looking at advertisements for the Black Friday that you are going to have to wake up at the crack of dawn, to wait in a line, to fight a crowd for a sale item that will be out of stock and get trampled to near death for that the kid won’t even appreciate it when he gets it. I can feel your bitter pain from here. Seriously, I have a bruise on my thigh right now. I hope the hospitals aren’t too overcrowded for when you have to get surgery on your spleen. Save me a spot, because I will need a kidney (not a kidney pie).
Today, I’m here to offer you a way bitter alternative to your Thanksgiving Day festivities.
Welcome to Bitter Ben’s Cinemas. I know you just stuffed yourself into a trypticoma, but we have salty overbuttered popcorn in the lobby for way overpriced. Also what goes better with bad popcorn than Halloween Candy? Hey, only a month ago you were obsessed with being scared, now you are obsessed with eating too much. Sounds like this stale Halloween candy is the perfect remedy for both.
Now that you have your disgustingly bitter food making you even more sick, let me tell you all about the Blockbuster VHF rental movies we have here in the theater.
On IMAX RPX 3D Screen 1, we bitterly present you with Dumpster Catching Fire. This is the story of poor destitute girl, Dogness Evergreen, who lives in the 12th Suburb of Distorpandora. There is no Burger Prince’s or MacDaisy’s restaurants or even a Nordstradamus Rack’s to shop at. She is totally deprived of the amenities of the Downtown Capital. She takes the place of her sister who was forced to enter the Dumpster Games where they are forced to live in the Dumpster for a whole hour. Can she even survive the Dumpster Games without ruining her makeup or will she Burn the Dumpster to the ground?
In Theater #2 we present you with the Horror/Action Flick Work 2 Hard. Bitter New Jersey security guard slacker JZ McClane is stuck at a Christmas Work party with his wife. He’s trying his best to get her to leave the party early, so he can avoid the party planning committee of NakaToby Plaza. He is bored to tears by his wife’s boss Toby and his stories about Costa Rica, and the Scranton Strangler, when the party is crashed by the German skeet shooting team. They take over the party, and JZ uses this excuse to escape the party early, by going to different floors in the building. He does his best to blow up some fireworks in the building so the German skeet shooting team doesn’t take over the party. When he throws the German Sheet Shooting leader out of the party, he shouts his classic line, “Yip Ki Yeah, 99th Problem!”
In Theater #3, join us for a comedy of amusing proportions, Anchor Space, a comedy about a bitter news anchor that is so fed up with his boss Lumbard asking him for his TTM(Traveling to Mars) reports that he and his co-anchors decide to quit their anchor jobs and go to Mars. It is the zany adventures of 4 co-anchors on Mars. Crazy adventures like the accidental stealing of one of the Mars Rovers, their run ins with some leftover Decepticons Megatron abandoned on Mars, and of course, their scam to skim off just a few M&M’s from the Mars division of the company to get back at Lumbard. You’ll never laugh more bitterly.
And finally in Theater #4 we have Black Friday – a survival horror movie about the temporary zombifications of Black Friday shoppers who will trample you to death if you have the early bird HDTV for only $99. It’s basically just security footage from a Walmart camera.
Feel free to tip your Theater owner because he is still pretty bitter about having to work on the Holiday Weekend. And those VHS cassettes weren’t free. Gotta pay for the right to that somehow.
Now get back to making me some chocolate pie, turkeys.
Bitter Cinema Togrophy Ben