Fit Bitterness

Except for my explosive devices.

Except for my ticking clocks…

According to the many commercials on the television thing, I’m supposed to be doing a lot of fitting in.  First there was the commercial run by the U.S. Postal Service advertising their priority mail box.  “If it fits, it ships,” they said.  So I crammed all the heavy metal explosives along with a ticking clock, so the people recieving the package would know when it went off and for some reason the US Mail would ship what fit into that box.  I guess the US Mail isn’t as inclusive as they claim.

NO EXCLUSIONS! except all these exclusions in small print.

NO EXCLUSIONS! except all these exclusions in small print.

Then along came JCPenney with their similar claim that “When it fits, you feel it.” So I got a coupon in the mail from them one time that said “Everything in the store 20% off, no exlusions”, and then listed the exclusions clearly at the bottom.  No Levi’s, Nike’s, jewelry, apparel, tops, bottoms, shoes, socks, appliances, gift certificates, coupons, items on the bottom, middle, or tops floors, toys, luggage, boots, or novelty items.  Other than those exclusions, there were no exclusions.  When I walked in the store they immediately took the coupon from me because I looked from a distance at something that I considered buying.  I guess JCPenney isn’t as inclusive as they claim.

Do those steps even count, bro?

Do those steps even count, bro?

Then there is the Fit Bit, a watch that tracks how many steps you make everyday.  Somehow this genius device will help you allow you to eat as many Reese’s Peanut Bitter Cups you want a day, and you will still lose weight, as long as you walk 10,000 steps a day.  Until the Fit Bit came along, no other device had ever been able to track steps before.  Except those personal odometers, I guess.  Oh yeah, and my 3DS that I got back in 2010 that rewarded me with coins that I could use for digital prizes.  But I can see why Fit Bit is selling so much.  Because they reward you with so much more.  A buzz.  But since I don’t have one, I will never feel the deep down amazing buzz like everyone else.  I guess Fit Bit doesn’t really allow me to Fit Bit in.

Actually, Fit Bit doesn’t cater to a large segment of the population, the Couchers, and for that reason, I’ve decided to create the Fit Bitter.  This amazing device will count all the steps during the day that you are NOT taking.  Laying on the couch watching TV? Sitting at your desk doing work all day and don’t have time to get up? Sitting in your car in traffic? This device counts all those non steps.  And whenever you need motivation to sit down and be lazy, instead of get up and walk, this device is there for you.

Measures the laying down part, not the walking up the wall part.

Measures the laying down part, not the walking up the wall part.

The moment you rise up to walk into your bosses office, this device will gently remind you, “Hey man, is that really necessary? Wouldn’t an email suffice?” or if you are getting ready to go exercise, “Dude, not right now.  There is a Community marathon on.  You haven’t seen one of those since last Saturday.” Running on time in traffic so you can meet your friends for some basketball? “Hey, here are some alternate routes you can take that will make you just late again to blame traffic on.”

And at the end of the day when you make as little progress as possible, it rewards you with a pizza emoji that you can type on your Twitter to get pizza delivered.  And it lets you play games that not only teach you how to avoid working out, but allows you to avoid people, because you are concentrating so hard on your watch, people think you are doing work or something.

So instead of being told that “If it fits, it ships,” then being rejected for being too “dangerous”, or being told “If it fits, you feel it,” then being run from the grounds because they aren’t feeling your coupon, dawg, you can rejected by the Fit Bitter for doing something positive like walking.  We may not encourage good health, but at least we are up front about it.  Sorry about that.

ARRRRRGGGGHHHHH

Bitter Fitter on the Twitter Ben

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14 thoughts on “Fit Bitterness

  1. I have a severe allergy to exercise……and eating vegetables….and paying bills and taxes….and Justin Bieber….but mostly to exercise. I think the Fit Bitter could save my life. Where can I get one?

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  2. This is timely, it feels like everyone I know (or thought i knew…) is currently in training for some form of torturous ‘fun’ run, walk, cycle, unicycle, swim, river dance…all in the name of charity. Not only are these people making me feel bad for being such a sloth, they’re costing me a small fortune in the donations they guilt me into making on Facebook. Bloody fit do-gooders!

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  3. I want a Sit Bit. Yes, I do believe that’s the most honest way to measure my commitment to better living. Oh, and a TV Bit that syncs with the Sit Bit. Since all I hear these days is how watching too much TV kills you I better have one of those babies too.

    Like

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