I don’t know if you’ve noticed in the last few years or so, but the weather has been a little bitter. You know what I’m saying. The east coast has been buried in snow the last few years, the midwest has been underwater more than the mortgages in 2008, and even the South, who hasn’t seen snow in decades got a few “snowstorms” last year. California has been droughting, eastern Washington has been burning and Western Washington has been plagued with this new weather phenomenon called Sun Days (not to be confused with Sundays). The rest of the world is probably getting weird weather too, but I’m too shallow(like the deep end in a Californian pool) to do research for that.
Some weirdo that claimed he invented the internet and won an election by claiming he got more “popular” votes is probably explaining away this problem by calling it Global Warming and will probably do some documentary that some people will watch when they run out of good and mediocre movies to watch. Others might claim that God is calling down plagues of weather on us like he called plagues on the Egyptians in Moses’ time. Those theories could be right, but I’m clinging to a much more interesting and much less researched, but true theory. Aliens are hungry and they just want to eat us.
Somewhere in space, some rather giant, and very hungry aliens eat planets for meals. They’ve eaten the whole Pizza Buffet universe, are tired of eating from the refrigerator of the Leftover universe, and the Cheese Universe is giving them such bad star gases that too many stars are getting sucked up into Black Holes if you know what I mean.
They finally discovered our universe, and decided to check it out. They saw it only had 9 planets and were intrigued. They saw Pluto first and saw it was too cold, so they decided to leave it out there freezing for dessert. They looked at Venus next and it had a toxic flavor like onions and they had too many greenhouse effects, which made it taste like salad or Kale. Since they were so used to the Pizza Buffet Universe, even if they drowned Venus in Ranch Dressing, they could barely tolerate the dirt taste of Venus.
They tried Uranus, but there was too much gas there, and far too many moons. Mars was too red and messy and only had a bunch of leftover rovers, Jupiter was kind of stupider, Neptune didn’t have Nep Tunes, or Itunes, Saturn was always trying to put a ring on it, and Mercury was hot, but didn’t have much depth.
Then they saw this Green and Blue Planet. Not too hot, not too cold, and it had some land, and some water, and a variety of different tastes. All kinds of things were moving on it. They were hungry, but patient because this planet needed a little mixing up. So they stirred up the oceans, (causing hurricanes), they grabbed some salt from the Dead Sea and put it in the Great Salt Lake, heated up California so they could get some dried up grapes(and some fermented ones too), and froze the east coast for some ice, and accidentally put a little too much water in the Midwest. So they took some desert from Arizona and moved it to the Midwest, got some eggs by scaring the chickens with lightening, and made a milkshake by mixing up the cows with some Midwest tornadoes.
They grabbed some leafy greens from the Northwest Trees, started a forest fire so they could roast some marshmallows and chestnuts over the open fire, and stuck some brownies in the Arizona ovens. From Hawaii, they got some Barbecue sauce from the active volcanoes, mushed some sugar cane and crushed a few pineapple fields for some sweet flavoring. They sprinkle in some hail and then turn on the overhead fan, which causes some high winds.
The last ingredient will be us. So just to help out the aliens, make sure you take a shower so you aren’t extra gamey and try to be bald if you can. They don’t like hair in their food any more than you do. And you can be sweet if you want, because I’ve got the bitter taste on lock.
See you soon, fellow alien ingredients!
Bitter to the Taste Alien Food Ben