Bitter Introductions to Friday Giftures


This week we had some sales reps for our company in town, some of whom we have never met, so lunches were arranged between different departments so we could meet each other.  Meeting new people is the worst.  Pretending to care about what someone says, doing the dreadful small talk that all introverts hate with a passion; the getting them to stop talking so you can cram your face with the only good thing about the meeting (the food).  There is however one thing that is good about meeting new people. Imagining that this will be the last time you will ever say words to them.  This has happened thousands of times in your life, right? You met someone at a party, or a meeting, or a company picnic and you had to shake hands and say hi.  How many of those people have you ever seen again? About 5 percent right? So just think of it in bitter terms.  You may never get to see that person again! So really, it’s more like Good Bye stranger! I will never see you again, sucker! Speaking of meeting new people, let me introduce make some introductions to some Bitter Friday Giftures that you will hopefully never have to see again…

Let’s get started by introducing this young lady…


…to the floor.

Mewicheal Jordan…


…meet jerky spy Ninja Mewicheal Jordan. 

Hey eyeball…


…meet your new nemesis, the eyeglass temple.

Well I guess I don’t need to introduce bull and fighter…


…they’ve already made an instant connection.

And this guy and his motorcycle became such instant friends…


...that they broke up, and got back together again almost instantly.

Oh and everyone, this is death…


…you’ll only ever meet him once and honestly, he’s kind of a killjoy.


Here are some water balloons that are very eager…


…to meet all your faces.

Karma is going to be around mingling too…


…some will meet her instantly.  

Some will find Karma…


…as an in your face kind of gal. 

Others might find her…


…kind of watered down.

Others may find her…


…pretty destructive. 

And don’t forget to meet this guy…

...though he will probably find you first.

…though he will probably find you first.


Now that we’ve all met, and got all the stupid talk about weather and politics out of the way, we can disperse never having to torture ourselves again with this painfully awkward meeting.  Go back to your homes and let us never speak of this again.


Bitter Introductions Ben





























35 thoughts on “Bitter Introductions to Friday Giftures

  1. Omg yes yes yes, small talk is my NIGHTMARE. One of the reasons I love being outside the US- small talk with people in foreign countries is so much more bearable because you can interpret it as like a cultural thing. Also this post was hilarious. Love your blog.


  2. Anything in life worthwhile involves food. If the food is no good then I begin to quickly lose interest. That gifture with the balloons, though. I think that could go into my nightmare box. I do not like balloons. I do not want to get acquainted with them on that kind of personal level.


  3. This plan probably only works because I live in Texas: I make sure that my introduction includes the phrases “I’m a Democrat” and “I vote”. Within seconds, I’m the only one left at the table and I get to sample everyone else’s entrees while they’re still warm. Double win.


  4. I have two defence methods for useless small talk. Make sure I’m eating something so it would be “rude” to talk or I fiddle with my pretend hearing aid. If those fail I will speak very slowly so ppl will think “idiot” and walk away from me.
    Happy Friday wishes Ben. 🙂


    • Those are great. My number 1 is the Bitter Resting Face, but having bad breathe and terrible manners also help. I appreciate those tips too. I think going one step further with the earpiece and talking crap right in front of someone, then pretending you have a bluetooth in your ear is comedy gold.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Oh my…hahahaha!!!!! I am going to keep that idea of your’s for future useage.

        (“So George told you he had hemroids?…Well no doubt!..I mean think about it! Does George EVER do anything of worth? Exactly. I think he should be more worried about those teeth of his. And those ear’s!!”) Giving George the gimlet eye head to toe while talking to fake/real Bluetooth..

        (Ohh I am mean! lol!)


  5. I hate those extroverted sales types who ramble on incessantly about nothing. Who invented this small talk bullshit anyway? Can’t we just nod in acknowledgement of each other’s presence and go on our way?


  6. I think subconsciously I have been using that “this will be the only time I’ll have to see you” strategy for awhile but haven’t realized it until this post. It certainly makes things easier for all concerned if you approach each other knowing it is a one-and-done situation. Hi. Bye.


  7. That’s precisely why I just like to be rude and stuff my face with food and chew with my mouth open and often refuse to even talk to most people I meet. The only problem is that random occasion when someone sees you at the grocery store and says ‘Aren’t you that girl who…” Then, I usually just say no and walk away.


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