Watching people fall is pretty much the best thing ever. If you haven’t read (actually viewed would be more accurate) my Friday Giftures posts, they are generally gifs of people, animals, or robots falling. When people fall, you might act genuinely concerned, but don’t lie to yourself. You are dying inside when you see someone fall. And by dying, I mean dying laughing. You know what is even funnier? When celebrities that you can’t stand fall. Seeing their cocky faces as they fall down on a runway or biff it when they are rejecting an autograph is bitter revenge for these one talent wonders and horrible people that keep being on our TV’s.
For some reason the goal of most people is to find some sort of balance. Balance life and work, maintain a balanced diet, balance your checkbook, try to stand with both legs so that you aren’t falling all the time.
Why do people care so much about balance though? I was born with a curvature in my spine, one leg longer than the other, a pizza in my mouth, a laziness in my brain, a 99/1% lazy/work ratio, a math equation that always has a remainder, a checkbook (these are ancient scrolls of paper back in the Bitterassic era that people would write money on) that never matched up with the bank(clearly the bank has a balance problem) and I would fall down or run into things a lot.
It’s a good thing that I wasn’t in charge of building this city on rock and roll, because I would probably would have only built it on a rock. Luckily I wasn’t in charge of getting us to the moon, or else the MTV logo would have been a Russian planting the old Hammer and Cycle on the moon. The Space Shuttle would have been a disaster much sooner and if I was in charge of houses, the leaning tower of Pizza would have looked straight to everyone.
Why is everyone so obsessed with self correcting to the middle all the time? If everyone always spent time trying to correct to the middle, there would be no crazed lunatics to make fun of that fill their houses with their collections of way too many comic books, or weight lifters with biceps the size of basketballs but legs like pipe cleaners to make fun of.
And if everyone was just Bittersweet instead of pure bitterness, we wouldn’t have me. Bitterness is not only a talent that I was innately born with, but it is also something that I’ve worked my whole life for. People might think that working for 40(or 60 or 80) hours a week for 50 years is a normal/exceptional thing to do in society, but when you are born with 256 lazy bones in your body and a couch for a stroller, bitterness is your work, not work.
And if everyone was so concerned with balancing their checkbooks we wouldn’t have the outstandingly amazing national debt of a like a billion trillion dollar to rant and be bitter about. And if we have no financial woes to rail to the politicians about what would we have to complain about? Health care? Boring. Education? What fer? We might have 99 problems to complain about but money problems are the bitterest and pettiest to complain about.
And why would anyone want to balance their diet? Variety?Why would you want to try all kinds of new foods when pizza is available everywhere, all the time? Healthy? Remember health care in the previous paragraph? Boring! Here’s a balance for you. Pizza with a drink. That way you are getting your food and your liquids. That’s all the food balance I need.
Instead of worrying about getting the right amount of balance, let’s try to maintain a Bitter balance. Let’s lean way to obsessively to the left, or spend too excessively to the red, or eat too excessively of the pizza or lay too excessively on the couch. Let’s laugh way too loudly at a joke in a meeting. And let’s definitely watch way more of celebrities losing their balance.
Bitterly Balanced Ben