Whether you like it or not, many products and services fail(I’m not the only thing that fails over and over). It is the nature of things to eventually break whether it is your car, your refrigerator, or Transformer toy collection(like I would know anything about this). What you may not know is that companies and manufacturers actually plan this, so eventually after a certain time you will have to buy a new thing. It is called planned obsolescence and it is causes people a lot of money, but mostly bitterness. I know companies eventually need to make money, but making things fail seems like a bitter way to do it(I like their style). What makes me more unforgiveably bitter are the items that aren’t planned, or what I call unplanned obselescence. Bitterly, I contain within in me a curse that causes this rare phenomenon.
I first realized I had the obsolescence curse when I tasted Aronia Berry juice at Costco. It was in the Bitter aisle between the sweet Grape Juice and sour Lemonade. One taste and I knew that this was stuff was going to be “accidentally” slipped it into the cart and then dibs claimed by drinking directly out of bottle at home. After fooling my wife zero times, she allowed me to get it each time we went, because I always chose other healthy options like cupcakes, candy bars and double stuffed crust pizza at Costco. Just as my favorite juice was becoming the one thing I could count on in life, Costco decided to stab me in the back Little Caesar style and discontinue the juice. Good thing I didn’t hold a grudge and cancel my membership and burn and Costco to the ground.
I did allow that Costco to live for one reason only. Right after I heard about the discontinuance of the juice, and was about to light the match, I decided I needed to cool down, so I sat in one of the freezers. I looked over and saw what can only be described as ice cream between two chocolate chip cookies. It had chocolate chips on the outside and they called them Big Ed’s. I could relate because I knew this rapper named Big and I knew a TV show that had a talking horse name Ed. This would be the chocolate chip ice cream sandwich with chocolate chips on the outside that would soon be known as the “Treat That Saved Costco” because they would never discontinue it, right? Well surprisingly, despite my contribution of $50 worth of sales toward this item, they discontinued it. They would now soon feel my passive aggressive wrath. The last time I checked out with my some wheels of cheese, crate of butter and two BluRays, I gave that checker a very aggressive, bitter stare when she gave me the total of $549. Don’t mess with the bitter master, you Costco Benedicts.
Others have turned traitor on me, like the Chips Ahoy with Creme Filling, and more recently, Minute Maid Cherry Limeade, the nectar of the Gods I got from Walmart (the one and only reason I ever went there), and now they rest bitterly in the grocery freezer in the sky.
It’s just when you thought only food was a part of my curse, along came bitter television shows that ended too soon. From the first episode of Smallville, I knew we had a special show on our hands, with the main character Alexander Luthor leading the way, but it sadly ended after only 10 seasons, 200 episodes and a really unpredictable ending where (spoiler warning) Clark Kent becomes a superhero called Superman. Another unheralded show that no one ever really watch, called The Office (it was a show about bitter people working in an office. Most people thought it was boring, but it had a bitter vibe, which is right up my alley.) only lasted 9 seasons. It made me bitter that in such a short time, only very few questions were answered. We will never know if that annoying Jim will keep trying to break up the adorable Roy and Pam or if the dynamic and awesome Dwight Shrute will ever stop pranking Jim enough to become assistant regional manager. And what about Micheal Scarn? Will that movie ever get a well deserved Dundie Award?
Some would say that I have been cursed with obsolescence all through my life in order to keep me bitter. But I realized that it is a gift. It is actually the other way around. I have the power to make things obsolete. Perhaps you think the government shut down was because of disagreements on health care. Nope that is all me. I have just really become a fan of the bitterness the government provides. So, do you want it to start back up so you can get your health care? How much is it worth to you for me to not become obsessed with it? Anything else you might want “obsolete” but want it to look like an accident? Have a blog you don’t like and want “shut down”? I am your man, for a price.
Bitterly Obsolete Ben