Bitter Ben & Jerry’s Ice Cream

Have some.

Have some.

I have always been an entrepreneurial type of person, meaning I have all kinds of ideas that would make me rich, if I were living in a fantasy world and smart people with lots of money were blindly funding me money and other smart people were at no cost building my ideas.  So obviously the reason why I’m not rich is other people’s fault.

Anyways, I did have a ice cream company that I started with a guy named Jerry, who is a traitorous wretch who decided to quit on me and move onto another more famous, less Bitter Ben and start a very similar and successful ice cream company called Ben & Jerry’s and left me here in shambles.  Apparently he thought that my flavors were too bitter for him.  So he stole all my ideas and just made ice cream that was sweet instead of bitter.

Maybe you can explain why my company didn’t hit the stratosphere when you see the flavors we came up with:

Bitter Buttmunch Crunch – It had a bitter vanilla base mixed with carrots, rhubarb, and peanut butter crunched up to give it multiple crunches in one vat of goop.

Gettin’ Fatter Mad Hatter – This one was based on the celebrity of the Mad Hatter of Alice In Wonderland fame.  We tried to recreate what made his hat so magically big.  We assumed that the hat got fatter by eating bacon, fried Snicker Bars, french fries, tortellini and pizza.  And boy did it work for the few people that were desperate enough to try it.

Shh..I'm trying some Prime Rib.

Shh..I’m trying some Prime Rib.

Optimus Prime Rib – Named for the fearless leader of the Autobots, there were large prime rib chunks in each vat of ice cream.  It was expensive, but totally not worth it as it doesn’t quite taste the same when it is frozen.  I couldn’t even get Megatron to try it and he always wanted to eat Prime for breakfast.

Wasn't a fan of Al"mond" Bundy.

Wasn’t a fan of Al”mond” Bundy.

Al”mond” Bundy – There were almonds, but also the tastes of his house.  The couch flavors as well as a taste of desperation and failure.

Shiver Me Timbers – This made a lot of sense because the shiver part was ice cream, and didn’t make sense because the timber part had a rich, smoky, woody, barky taste.  Because it was made of trees.

Purple Rain – Named after everyone’s favorite symbol/son of a monarch/most famous purple wearer of all, Prince, we decided to pack this one full of the authentic flavor of rain.  But in order to make it purple we could only find acid rain.  Most of the people that eat this flavor are no longer “with us”.

Trader Joe’s – This one is full of all kinds organtic(that’s how we would say it around the factory) and overpriced ingredients.  It was also another partner I started with, who then took the same core value of the ice cream(organtic and overpriced) and started his own store called coinidentally Trader Joe’s (mostly because of his backstabbing of me).

Mixed Nuts –   Of course everyone has a crazy nut concoction flavor of ice cream, but I made sure to go overboard.  I wanted this one to be so full of nuts, that anyone with a nut allergy within a 100 mile radius would need their epipens.  Peanuts, tree nuts, soy nuts, cashews, almonds, Hazelnuts, pecans, pine nuts, pistachios, walnuts, even a little of their crazy Uncle Herman.

Frenchie Vanilla – This one was as short lived and talentless as Frenchie.  Known for briefly dating the least popular Kardashian, this flavor was also known for being our least popular, because it was boring like Vanilla, because it was vanilla.

Millie Vanilla – It sounded like a good idea at the time, but the sound was just lip synced.

Didn't quite like the flavor of Wolverice Cream.

Didn’t quite like the flavor of Wolverice Cream.

Wolverice Cream – Dedicated to everyone’s favorite X-Men Canadian mutant metal clawed bad boy.  We included Adamantium pieces in each carton in hopes that you may someday have indestructible claws or fingernails or ears or something that will make you special enough to become a mutant like you have been dreaming about your whole life.

Now that I’ve let you know all the fantastically bitter ice creams I created, I’m sure there is a nice, rich, somewhat not smart investor out there that is ready to take the next step down in their career.  If you are, I’m your Bitterman.


Bitter Ben and not Jerry anymore

55 thoughts on “Bitter Ben & Jerry’s Ice Cream

  1. Yeah, I’ve changed my mind about being an ice-cream taste-tester now after reading these flavours!
    Actually, even peanut butter would get me boaking – gadz 😦
    I’ll stick to your pizza olympics instead 😉


  2. As a person who’s been to the Ben & Jerry’s factory in Vt over 10 times, I gotta say these don’t seem all that different from the failed attempts in their flavor graveyard… At least now we know you could have had a bright future making money off of being a failure? Awesome!


  3. That Traitor er, Trader Joe!!! And Benedict Jerry, too. Backstabbing jerks. They stole your bitter dreams and made off like bandits.

    I still believe in your bitter dream, Bitter Ben. We can just start our own ice cream chain: Acerbic Aurora & Bitter Ben’s Creamy Creations (or AABBCC for short). I already have some flavor ideas.

    Bitter Pecan – For all the Southern belles who never won the blue ribbon for their pecan pie at the state fair, this delectable treat is filled with everything southern: pork rind, cornbread, barbecue sauce and, of course, pecan pie chunks!

    Stalky Road – A twisted take on the traditional Rocky Road, Stalky Road is the social media junkie’s dream: bits and bytes of Facebook data, coupled with swirls of Instagram photos of all the food their friends ate that day.

    The Hairy Potter – Every pint of The Hairy Potter comes with a temporary tattoo of a lightning bolt for the consumer to wear while enjoying ice cream stuffed with chocolate frogs and Bertie Bott’s Every Flavor Beans (and we mean every flavor – earwax included)!


    • I’m already sampling bitter flavors for AABBCC. I’m not even mad that you put your name in front of mine! This is going to be the best bitter ice cream company ever. Though, I’m quite grossed out by Hair, so Hairy Potter will be my bitterest flavor. I’m already envisioning the great bitter flavors we will come up with.


  4. I know from experience that it’s always other people’s fault.

    Take away the pizza and tortellini, and I wouldn’t be surprised if Gettin’ Fatter Mad Hatter wouldn’t have supporters. Snickers, bacon and fries are tame compared to the “garbage burgers” some gimmicky places serve to be eaten by even more gimmicky people with something to prove.


  5. RE: Millie Vanilla – It sounded like a good idea at the time, but the sound was just lip synced.

    You mean “Due to people not being able to eat it, the flavor was a marketing failure. When spooning it up, people could not sync their mouth to the spoon. Obviously making the ice cream inedible.”

    And Vanilla is not bland! (you may have seen my feelings on the matter).


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