It’s the end of the summer, and the kids are definitely not ready to go back to school. But it’s hot and sweaty and they don’t call these the dog days of summer for nothing. The dog keep barking at the kids when they come inside. So make them go outside. To my exclusive, high priced Bitter Summer Camp. We specialize in the most bitter experience you can have as a kid, or adult. In fact, your satisfaction is completely not guaranteed. If either you, or you kid isn’t satisfied we will give you no money back. Welcome to Camp Bitter Mistake on the Lake.
Come take a tour of the facility, so you can see where your kids will be spending their entire summer and what you will be having nightmares of this summer. In the cabin areas, we have a unique bed distribution system in which the kids will get the least amount of sleep possible. Beds are squeaky, springy, uncomfortable and cause your little dumplings to fall off at regular intervals. The looks on their faces when they are woken at 5 am are priceless. They will be cranky, upset and testy every morning. And we make sure to take pictures so you can have evidence of how miserable they are.
On to the “cafeteria” where the slop is distributed. We have an innovative food manufacturing system that automagically measures the kids favorite foods and makes sure they get the optimal amount of not that food. It finds what they can’t stand the most and gives them a healthy portions in massive doses. Don’t worry, they will learn to eat it, even though they will despise both us and you forever because of it. They will just get hungry enough and finally give in. But they won’t like it.
And don’t worry about all that terrible food going to waste. We feed the leftovers to the wild animals in the area to encourage them to want to hang around camp. They just love campsite here so much.
Speaking of animals, your kids will be exposed to them all the time. None of this zoo action, where animals are on one side of the wall and humans on the other. We believe in letting them get close enough to the kids where they can get mauled(the kids I mean), or at the very least bit or scratched. Nothing teaches the kids how to respect animals like putting the kids smack dab in the middle of the animals forest. Just like how you would treat woodland creatures when they invaded your house, the animals treat humans when they are in their forest. Usually by the end of the camp, the kids(the ones that make it out) have a healthy fear of all wild animals.
If that isn’t enough to convince you of how much you will not want to send your kids, we have activities. Lots of them. We have deep lake algae sampling, caber tossing, lost in the woods for days hikes, haunted houses, bitter rivalry building, and archery dodging. On the lake they will learn about space exploration(by being launched into it), and we will have bottle rocket fights. They will learn to grow up fast with little or no supervision. Survival instincts, friends.
Don’t worry about knowing what is going on with them everyday. We don’t make them write letters, that would just teach them stuff. That is for school to do. We are recording all the time in hopes that your precious little ones will make interesting video, bloopers, slip ups, mishaps, danger, we want all of that. We want failures and unintentional comedy here. Our YouTube channel has become quite popular and it is because of your kids. Their follies are our hits. Their mishaps are our subscribes; their messiness is our cash flowiness. So send them messy, and send them soon. We want them for their flaws. And you can see exactly what they are doing by visiting our YouTube channel. And don’t forget to tell your friends to view and subscribe!
I know what you are thinking. This is the last thing I want to do to my kids and you are right. But forget your protective instincts because I’m gonna tell you a little secret. The most successful people in the world are ones that grew from adversity. So if you want your kids to succeed in life, let them have their adversity here every summer and someday you will thank me for torturing them. And think about all the time you will have away from them. Isn’t that what you dreamed of the first time they woke you up at 2 am?
So, who is gonna sign up their nasty brats to be babysat by not me?
Bitter Summer Camp Ben