You know what my favorite game show is? Jeopardy. Actually Celebrity Jeopardy. Actually Celebrity Jeopardy as portrayed by Saturday Night Live. Wanna know why? Because of the way they answer in the form of a question. Actually, it’s because of the categories. Not really, it’s because of Alex Trabek. Well, more because of Will Ferrell’s portrayal of Alex Trabek. Alright, let’s just admit the real reason. Sean Connery. Frickin Sean Connery portrayed as a madman bent on destroying Alex Trabek. Well, all that is true, but today’s game show, uh blog post is about questions. And actually I don’t really like that Jeopardy asks you to ask questions to answer. That’s kind of stupid and makes me bitter.
So my daughter introduced me to a game called Would you rather?…They ask you whether you would rather do something really hard or another thing that is really hard. I thought I would take the challenge. It’s pretty rare where you get to see me answer questions because I never do those stupid blogger awards, where questions are asked and you answer them. So today is your lucky day(or your unlucky day if you didn’t) if you wanted to see me answer stuff. Too bad they won’t tell you anything about me. So here’s a randumb sampling of some questions and my deeply insightful answers.
Would you rather….
Always be slightly under-dressed or always be slightly overdressed? Okay, I guess we will start with the easy one. Slightly under-dressed, because I’m always slightly under-dressed. I wear socks most of the day at work, and bare feet most of the day at home. And wear pajamas to Walmart. Okay fine, I overdress for Walmart, but that’s the only place.
Have rewind button or a fast forward button on your life? Okay, another easy one. Seriously, a rewind button? Like I want to relive anything ever? Yeah, let’s relive all those “precious talks” we had. Let’s relive high school all over again. How about we just fast forward any meeting, any work day, any time I’m even slightly inconvenienced. Actually let me just live meals in real time and I’m good. Fast forward the rest, uggghhh.
Really hairy or completely bald? Alright, third straight softball. Completely bald obviously. I’ve been wanting to go Professor X, Mr. Clean, Vin Diesel, Dr. Evil, Micheal Jordan for a while now. Not having to brush you hair, or even shampoo your hair, sounds like a dream. And as any family member can attest, hair is my nemesis. Anytime I see a hair in my food, or in my hairbrush, or in the sink, or in my clothes, I go straight psych ward on them. A would you rather…between having an onion and having a hair in your food…now that would be a hard one.
Read minds or fly? Like I would ever want to know what is on people’s minds ever. That would be even worse than having to talk to people and that is the worst. Listening to people tell boring stories sucks hard enough, but having to listen to people’s even more boring thought stories? Jab me with a hair in my mouth. I’ll fly thanks.
Wet socks for the rest of your life or always have your clothes slightly damp for the rest of your life? Now they are starting to get harder. I think I will have to go with the slightly damp clothes for life. Wet socks are the worst. If I ever walk into the bathroom and get my socks even a little bit wet, I throw the socks in the hamster (that’s what they call them right?) then throw the hamster in an incinerator, and burn it and the socks into little particles and then dump the particles in the bottom of a red hot lava pit. That’s how little I like wet socks.
Burn to death or freeze to death? After work yesterday, I would do either. Just make them quick. Or slow and painful. Either one would have been less painful that yesterday.
Be in constant pain or have a constant itch? What if I experience both of these already? Is that a fair question? In fact, reading this question just made me more in pain and more itchy. Thanks a lot question.
Be able to speak all languages or talk to animals? As a non animal lover (I know, bring your pitchforks to my lynching) I don’t really think animals would have much to say. Cat: Go get me my food human. Dog: OHMYGOSHICAN’TBELIEVEYOUAREHOMECANWEGOTHROWTHEBALLAROUND? Hamster: Look at me, I’m running in a circle. Fish: I can’t breathe. That, or Can you translate this thing for me, Ben? What were they saying there? Oh you speak (insert language)? Let me spout off all the words I know in that language. Oh you know my language? Let me comfortably tell you all my secrets. Can I choose one of the options where no one speaks to me?
No one show up at your wedding or no one at your funeral? Wow that is a hard one. Choosing an event where no one shows up? Can I take both? No? Well, since I wouldn’t be alive to enjoy no one showing up for my funeral, I guess I would have to choose my wedding so I could fully enjoy that. But, does that mean I am marrying myself? Cause the bride is someone. And what about the guy/girl marrying me? That person is annoying too. Can I leave them out too?
Give up cheese or give up chocolate? Now we are talking a hard decision. For most people. I have always been more of a bitter person if you haven’t noticed and chocolate is sweet. And while cheese is mostly salty, it can be bitter. And let’s be honest, I could go a whole day without chocolate, but cheese is the like the main ingredient in pizza, hamburgers, hot dogs, Italian food, and everything else I eat. I would pretty much fade away into being a ghost if I didn’t have cheese.
Have no internet or no cell phone? That is again a pretty easy one for me. Internet I cannot live without. A cell phone? That means there is a way for people to talk to me. And I could easily live without that. Also, since 1995, I haven’t lived a day without internet. Only in the last five years have I been attached to my cell phone (and probably only used the phone app like 7 times).
Live twice as long, or win the lottery – Let me see, be old and decrepit twice as long, being on the news for being the oldest man alive, having to endure the endless time in a nursing home, or have tons of money to buy my man cave? What do you think?
Smartest person or the Hottest person? Neither one comes to mind here. Being smart would be such a pain. People always asking you questions, people always being snarkily jealous of you (that’s my job), knowing math (uggghh, so boring). On the other hand, being the hottest would make people want to be around me all the time, and I already think people want to be around me too much now. I guess smart, because at least some people would like to leave me alone.
Opposite gender or kid for a day – I am thinking that world needs more bitter women and I think if I was one for a day, I could convince more to be. On the other hand, being a kid would be so annoying. I would be so annoyed by myself, I would hope that I would get exhausted and just take a nap until the day was over.
So there are the insightfully bitter answers to some super intriguing questions for you. So my questions to you are: What would you have answered? What other questions do you have for me? How offended are you by some of my answers? Can I just go take a nap?
Bitter Questions Ben