Hand some Ben Bitterness

So lucky...they have guns attached to their arms.

So lucky…they have guns attached to their arms. Well, I do too, but they wouldn’t be allowed at the gun show. 

Hands are a pretty amazing and versatile set of things at the end of your arms.  They are really good at things like punching people, avoiding handshakes, even holding strong weapons to defend and offend other people. But some video game and comic book characters are lucky enough to have other things in the place of hands or arms.  Mega Man and Samus with their arm cannons, Winter Soldier with his metal arm, Plastic Man with his rubber stretchy arms.  When it comes to the extension of the arm, the hand falls somewhere in the middle of the pack.  Let’s take a look at some things that might be bitter and some that might be worse.

Way Worse than hands:

Trees: As you know, I feel very bitter towards trees. They litter, they are always getting the way of people’s views, they like to take up space where a house should be, they are always responsible for downing power lines and the worst is when they down TV and internet lines.  Without which I would cease to function.  Can you imagine having one of those things at the end of your arms? You would never be able to go anywhere and your hands would always be dirty and rooty.  Uggghhh.

Cement: I don’t know about you, but whenever people are telling me about the cement shoes they want me to try on while swimming, it feels like they are trying to tell me something.  Someday, I’ll figure it out, but until then, cement hands seem to like it would make it hard to type, text or nap…and that just makes being a blogger that much harder.

All the better to take morning photos with.

All the better to take morning photos with.

Selfie stick hands: I guess if you are an Instagram freak and that was all you did all day, or if you like freaking kids out with your weirdo extendable only-to-take-a-picture hands, I guess it could come in handy, but when you are doing boring things like driving or trying to get groceries, eating out or sleeping it would be hard to do any of those things without getting kind of a boring photo(can you imagine the waking up photo you would get posted to Instagram in the slumber tone every morning?).

Dictionary: Ughhh, I have learn about words and use all kinds of pretentious words because my parents won’t get me a phone or a 3DS because they think these things are entertainment enough…

Fence: People would always want to mend them, or use them to separate my property from theirs.  Also Tom Sawyer would always be trying to get other people to whitewash them.

Credit Card: This one could go either way.  If you are the one paying, it would be a nightmare, especially when someone maxes it out and the clerk is trying to cut it.  On the other hand, ladies would always want to get their hands on them…

Pen: Hey, does anyone have a pen? Ugggghhhh….

Way bitter than hands: 

TV Guide: Never having to get up to know what is on TV, priceless. Never having to scroll through the onscreen guide on your TV, amazing.  Always having the latest TV trivia on page 32, en fuego.  Always knowing the latest on the behind the scenes of CSI Cyber? Okay, that kind of sucks, but hopefully your brain can kick that out for more useless information like the Bennifer divorce.

Car Steering Wheel:  Always knowing just how steer in traffic to annoy the life out of people that are annoying the life out of me? Bonus.

Grappling Hook: For those times when you just don’t feel like jumping off the top of your building to get to the parking lot, or those times when it’s the end of the day and you just can’t face scaling another wall with your hands and legs to seize the castle, a grappling hook would be way bitter.

Sword: For those times when people threaten society with a swift end and you are the only hope of the survival of the planet.  Or if you just need something to open a letter, a tight jar lid, a quick haircut, or the drywall in a quick reno.  Just be careful in the shower.

Stop Sign: A great way to get other people to do your bidding on the road, or leave you alone in your cubicle.  Talk to the Stop Sign, cause the face ain’t listening.

Talk to the stop sign...

Talk to the stop sign…

The Decepticon Symbol: To show where your loyalties lie when they take over the planet.

A Pillow:  It’s never not naptime.

Don't mind if I do hands...

Don’t mind if I do hands…

A Phone with the Pizza delivery on autodial: For all those time when…for all those times.  Period.

Maybe someday, when my back goes out, and my arms go limp from all the pizza, I will get lucky enough to have to get reconstructed as a guy with all these gadgets for hands, and you will realize that your paleo diet, and all your trips to Whole Foods, and all those times you wanted a donut for breakfast, and lunch and dinner but didn’t, were just stupid.  Just wait until you get a load of me.


Bitter Hand Some Ben



25 thoughts on “Hand some Ben Bitterness

  1. I read cat steering wheel. I know it’s car but I like the idea of a cat steering wheel. One that controls kitties, force them to love you when you need it and stop merowing when you need sleep? I need cat controllers on my arms.


  2. That T-Rex caption is hilarious! My son has a shirt that has a T-Rex holding two grabbers from his tiny arms. The caption of the t-shirt says, “Unstoppable!” LOL How are you Ben? Thanks for stopping by and delivering pounds of glitter on my page. Such a lovely gesture of you. 😛


  3. Hahaa!! I’m still cracking up about the selfie-stick hands 😀 I would really like to have a donut for breakfast, lunch and dinner…but I’m afraid it may hinder my use of the selfie-stick… 😀


  4. I have to hand it to you…this was an unexpected and interesting post. And I totally agree that cement is worse than hands, especially while swimming. What a drag! However, I think that you’re being a little too hard on trees. Sure, trees have their issues, but hey — they look great, provide plenty of shelter, and are the only place where you can build a treehouse. Added bonus: they block my view of all the neighbors I wouldn’t want to look at anyway. See? Trees can be pretty…handy.


    • There are some great puns to be had for sure. And I won’t hesitate if I need to use them in the tags…I don’t think I’m hard on trees either. Have you ever had to rake leaves in the fall? Do you know who’s fault that is? Is it okay for me to litter all over people’s lawn’s and expect them to clean it up? Kind of a jerk move trees…..


  5. I personally want a third arm growing out of my chest with opposable thumbs on both sides of the hand and an asbestos palm. You never know.


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