One night at dinner in one of the 5 star Disney cruise restaurants, I was eating one of my two entrees that night, and my son and I spent the good part of a dinner talking about being invincible and what we would do if we were so. Of course we would sword fight, punch fight, gun fight, (he likes to fight, what can I say, have you met his dad?). We would jump off the wings of planes, dive to the bottom of the ocean, stand on the top of buildings during lightening storms, jump in hot lava, and go to the middle of the earth’s core. Then I thought about it, and told him the ultimate thing an invincible person could do. “We could even fly into the middle of the sun.” He was blown away by that, and so was I…until we went outside to Castaway Cay.
Castaway Cay is a private Disney Island somewhere near the Bahamas. It was essentially our first time off the cruise ship and IT. WAS. HOT. Like the inside of an active volcano hot. We, of course, applied level 70 SPF and spent most of the time in the ocean (protected by the harmful rays of the sun), and reapplied multiple times so as to never get any sort of burn. Also I wore a hat so the sun couldn’t penetrate between my thick head of hair that was only thin on most parts of my head. Predictably, I became redder than (fine, let’s stick with the Disney theme, uggggh) the Little Mermaid’s hair.
Many say the sun is essential to our planet living. It contains just the right amount of heat and light to warm this planet, thus making it inhabitable. By some luck or force or science it happens to be just the right 93 million miles away to power this planet. Mercury and Venus are way too hot and Mars way too cold. Now after spending a little time in Florida/Bahamas for a week and half, I’m not so sure science is right. I think Florida may have floated off into space somewhere between the Sun and Mercury. I’m pretty sure it should be illegal and be cruel and unusual to allow anyone in that state to not have a working air conditioner.
I don’t think that Senior Citizens of this country go to Florida to enjoy their retirement. They go there because they want to die. Superman, famous for gaining his superpowers from the Earth’s sun, if he were flying around the universe in a search for the some criminal, hopped around Venus for a while, then took a quick look through Venus, flew through the core of the million degree heat of the sun, then flew back to earth, circled it a few times and then happened to started to fly by Florida in June, even he would have some armpit stains on his perfectly stitched, bright blue Krypton family sealed uniform. He would probably wonder if there was Kryptonite nearby, because nothing had ever made him feel so weak as the heat in Florida.
When you use spray-on sunscreen in Florida, you can see the drops of liquid being instantly pulled off your skin and floated into the air like a helium balloon floating to its ultimate doom. But the sunscreen doesn’t float away because of the heat, but because the sun actually needs the protection from Florida. Ever notice why they call June the rainy season in Florida? Because even the sun is smart enough to avoid Florida in June, it’s so hot. There is only one way to make Florida hotter than anything else in the universe. Going to an amusement park in Orlando and standing in line with other people. But that is a subject for tomorrow. Literally.
Bitterly Hot Bitter Ben