The End of the Lines

I thought a line was

Look at this blue line as it taunts all the lines below with imminent destruction…only to then do it again and again.  That blue line is a line terrorist. 

I learned a few things on my vacation.  “The more the merrier” is totally untrue, you can never have too much pizza (actually wait, already knew that) and lines are the most destructive thing on the planet.

Let me state that again very clearly.  Lines are the most destructive thing on the planet. DO NOT DISPUTE THIS FACT!

The facts cannot be in dispute. Witness:

Disney/Universal/Amusement Parks – According to some math theory, the shortest distance between two points is a straight line.  According to Disney/Universal, the longest way is bars and ropes.  If you were to do all the rides in all the Disney’s and all the Universal’s it would take about 10 minutes.  There could only be three people in line, but they can Transform that line into a 60 minute wait just by the way they manipulate a few ropes.  Thanks to this genius model of making people bitter, I’ve devised a way to keep people from visiting me at my desk at work.  I will use a complicated roping system, an intern as the annoying bouncer type rope guarding guy/or girl, and a sign outside that says a wait time of 70 minutes, and of course a soundproof booth for me.  The buzz for the end of the ride will be so horrific, that by the end of the day, the wait time will be 80 minutes and I will sneak out the tunnel under my desk.


The fake line of people waiting to talk to me at work. 

The pick up line – Are you a parking ticket? Because you have fine written all over you.  Is your name Google? Because you are everything I’ve been searching for. Is there an airport nearby, or is that just my heart taking off? Do you like pizza? Because I like pizza too.  Has there ever been anything more devastating to your case as a dateable person than bad pick up lines? Besides your face, your bad breath, your terribly unwittiness, and toxic attitude? Besides the stains on your shirt, your bad manners, your complete inability to make conversation, your awkwardness, your unmatched socks, and your 80’s style mullet? Your lack of followers on Google+ and Myspace?

The tan line –  The light part of your arm laughs and mocks the blood red disaster that is the rest of your arm.  While arm is left helpless, dying and crying in the heat of the devastating heat of the middle of the sun heat of Florida, the shoulder sits inside, with the air conditioning on, watching TV and sipping drinks, and laughing at the rest of the arm.

You're going to need a doctor...

You’re going to need a doctor cause you are getting mocked.

Phone lines –  Witness the terror of being forced to make conversation with someone. The caller ID that shows your co-workers number, or you never stop talking aunt, or your kid that only calls when they need money, or even worse the telemarketer/”it’s only a 5 minute survey” girl.  Have you ever felt so trapped?

The linings of your stomach –  You do not want to see the wasteland that is the linings of this stomach. After years of pizza, soda, more pizza, candy bars, pizza, donuts, pasta, pizza, hamburgers and pizza, the linings of this stomach can’t take it anymore and have decided to move somewhere else.  They moved to the expanded waistline.

Laser surgery – Because of my utter inability to stick a curve piece of plastic inside my eyeball, and my utter annoyance in getting eyebrow hairs stuck in my glasses, I could no longer take it anymore.  So I got laser surgery on my eyes, not only so I could see, but also so I could use my laser eyes on people that annoy me.

I will mess you up!

I will mess you up!

The worst line of all? Disney telling us that it’s the happiest place on earth.  What they mean is that it is the happiest place on earth for them.  Because for every little thing they do that they claim is magic is really just them using a magic wand to collect four lines that create a rectangle.  Those rectangles come from our wallets and are made of paper that have numbers like, 1, 5, 10, 50 and 100.  Or plastic rectangles that have other numbers and expiration dates on them, and they are determined to max all those things.  And they line their pockets with that stuff.

Witness the destruction of lines.

Witness the destruction of lines.

Cower in bitter fear, people.  The lines are coming for us and there is nothing we can do about it.


Bitter Line their Pockets Ben


114 thoughts on “The End of the Lines

  1. Lines, a bad thing? Are you kidding? Lines can be great! Examples:
    Boundary lines — without them, neighbors could build their fences right on your property and leave you with a garden just big enough for one tree. Then where would you park your plastic lawn chairs?

    Bus lines — Take these away, and bus drivers will end up wandering around town aimlessly and stopping wherever they feel like. Plus, people might hop on a bus, thinking it will take them to work, then wind up in Florida, instead.

    Border lines — See Boundary Lines.

    The Thin Red Line — Because that was a great war movie, if you’re into war movies.

    That line that you draw — Because we all have to draw the line somewhere. The bottom line is that I draw the line at doing away with all lines.


  2. Frown lines…Crossing the line in the sand (something my sons do regularly)…the lineup at the cop shop…but worst of all…the lines on a coloring sheet…don’t EVER tell me I have to color inside the lines!


  3. It is now surprise that you have such clever and witty pick up lines you Casanova you! But you know, the Disney thing…the trick is that you get on the line and think ‘Oh this isn’t so bad’ and then you round the corner only to find there’s ANOTHER LINE!!! with like 3 MILLION PEOPLE!!!


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