The bitterest evil yet – the onion

So I was chowing down on my Jimmy John's...

So I was chowing down on my Jimmy John’s…

On Friday, I went out to Jimmy John’s to 1) Get a submarine sandwich, 2) To see if they were as fast in real life as they were in the commercials and C) to not have an onion in my sandwich.  My long time friends and family know that I so much can’t stand onions that I will stick my hand half way down my esophagus just to dig the tiniest sliver of onion out of my throat.

Tell me you think onions aren’t the most destructive thing on the planet? Onions have caused more women to cry than men have, and men are the complete worst.  That shows you how bad onions are.

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Nope.

 

Still don’t think onions are the worst? They are the same size as an apple.  I dare you to take even one apple sized bite out of one and then, right after, offer to kiss anyone in the room.  If Anna Kendrick(insert your celebrity or real life crush right here _______) walked in the room and offered to kiss me full on the lips right after they ate a bite of onion, I’d be like, nah, I’ll pass. I’m guessing most of you would be the same, but would take one of the millions of dollars they had.  And by the way, call me after your mouth has taken a Dentyne Ice shower.

Still think onions are only the second worse?   Ever notice how much they look like other things? Like lettuce? The same actual sliced up thing that you don’t mind on a sub? When I was eating my JJ sub, I could sense the sliver of onion in my sandwich 7 bites before I got there.  I didn’t know how it was there, but it was. I don’t know if the guy that prepared the sandwich had one near by, if one was trapped in my glove box, or if the onion was hiding somewhere in those fields of green lettuce on the sandwich.  I don’t know how it was there, or where, but I knew it was there. But within the haystacks of lettuce, there was a rusty nailed, onioned needle.  What made it worse to me, was I knew it was there, but I had no idea where.  That sliver of an onion was a ninja that had been training it’s whole life to disturb my 70 taste buds and let me just tell you, I could see on its little onion face that it enjoyed every minute.

The slivers that literally give me shivers.

The slivers that literally give me shivers.

Here’s the deal, that little slice of onion has taken down more of my days and my hamburgers than internets that Kim Kardashian has broken.   Onions have ruined lives like plastic surgery has ruined people’s faces.  It wasn’t just the sandwich that I had to throw away, but the tons of gum that had to die an early sweetening because of the destructive powers of the onion.

If I was given the choice to have onions inhabit the earth as the only food left on earth, or I could eat all the delicious foods in the world onion free, but I had to have a mosquito plague devastate the world, I would take the mosquitoes, for my last three days on earth, because at least I wouldn’t have the horrible taste of onions on my breath for the last three days of my life.

The onion ninjas hiding beneath our pepperoni's.

The onion ninjas hiding beneath our pepperoni’s.

My worst nightmare by a long shot, would be to have a pizza with tiny little onions hiding underneath the pepperoni.  To mix the world’s greatest food and the savior of foodkind, with a tiny little sliver of an onion, is not only my Kryptonite, but pepperoni’s.

Even as the second most famous green thespian of our time (I would have to admit Yoda is the first) Shrek said(donkey said the first two), “Ogres are like onions, they stink.”, “Ogres are like onions, they make you cry.” and the biggest reason of all, “Onions have layers, ogres have layers.” I DO NOT have layers.  I have one thing, bitterness.

Quick note before I wrap up.  I know I have figuratively shredded you to bits and would never shred you literally, but Theonion.com, if you are reading this,  I would love to work for you.  No offense toward the whole onion thing.

ARRRRGGGHHHHHH

Bitter Onion sliver Ben

 

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48 thoughts on “The bitterest evil yet – the onion

  1. Not to mention that once you eat an onion it pretty much melts your entire stomach lining like the acid-space-ship-corroding saliva from the creatures on Aliens. Yeah. Onions and aliens, not good for you. Good call.

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  2. I now have to seriously reconsider my blogging relationship with you… also – what if it’s onion POWDER…or the onions are cooked down to where they completely dissolve in a sauce….such as….pizza sauce…so that you were sliver and chunk free…but the essence is there masked greatly by other flavors with no oniony bits WHATSOEVER….? I mean…like, NONE?!?!

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  3. Seriously I thought that I was the only one in the world that hated onions. Now I know I’m not alone. I wholeheartedly agree with you. Add in I eat nothing with garlic in it either sadly not even pizza (It’s loaded with garlic) Onion and garlic are in the same family.

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  4. Wow…I cannot believe all this prejudice and hate speech directed toward such a delectable and mouth-watering vegetable. Yes, vegetable. I mean, maybe onions aren’t as sweet and crisp as carrots or as exotic as Chinese eggplant, but come on! Surely they don’t deserve such harsh slander. I just can’t even.

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    • I don’t know if it is a vegetable, a fruit or a nut, but when those things get near me, I wanna puke. They ruin my day. Call me what you will, an onionist, or onion hater, but those things are the worst. Like I said, they make more people cry than a really sad movie.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. I feel the same way about all nuts that aren’t peanuts. They are the worst. I hate them all. I hate when people use almond or walnut flavoring in things and then says “you can’t taste it at all” because I can. I hate when someone thinks I should be just fine with nuts because they put chocolate on them or put them on ice cream (thus ruining both). I hate when I go to a baseball game and I smell some sweet, cinnamon goodness and it turns out to be the roasted nut stand, which is just mean and a waste of perfectly good sugar.

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    • The worst is at Mariners games (here is Seattle) they have these garlic fries. One person can order then and the whole stadium wreaks. It is just havoc.
      And have you had people tell you to try the almond milk and tell you how much more flavorful it is? Ugghh, gross.

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  6. So, one thing I’m not clear on, do you like onions? 😉

    I used to hate them. Then when I actually had to start cooking once I had a family, I realized how much flavor they give a meal. But cooked onions are very different from raw ones. While I enjoy a little raw onion on my salad and sandwiches, I know others don’t, so I make sure never to do so when I’m working around others, or at a conference, etc. My little gift to the world.

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  7. I cannot stand onions. Everyone just thinks I’m being picky but I fully agree….onions ruin everything. Nothing worse than all of a sudden biting down on that crunch and you just want to end your life.

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    • Friday was my nightmare. I love Jimmy John’s but the moment I sensed the tiny onion in hiding, I could already find myself getting ill. Onions are lucky both of us haven’t ended it, or they would be going to jail for life (or maybe be given the chair).

      Liked by 1 person

  8. I am violently allergic to onions, so I heartily endorse this post. They could, in all actuality, kill me, so there would be no “celebrity onion kisses” for me, thanks!

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  9. I used to hate eating onions but then I tasted a pickeled onion and it was love at first sweet and sour bite!! You should try one. It will help you overcome your fear of onions. I wander if theres a medical term for it though….

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  10. Yes, it’s definitely a love hate thing with me and onions. They’re okay when I’m eating them but then the taste just doesn’t go away, or the smell, plus they make me thirsty. Kind of like this blog. I read it and I’m like, this is kind of okay and then I spend the rest of my day thinking ‘I can’t believe I spent 5 minutes reading that blog…and now I’m thinking about it!!’

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