On Friday, I went out to Jimmy John’s to 1) Get a submarine sandwich, 2) To see if they were as fast in real life as they were in the commercials and C) to not have an onion in my sandwich. My long time friends and family know that I so much can’t stand onions that I will stick my hand half way down my esophagus just to dig the tiniest sliver of onion out of my throat.
Tell me you think onions aren’t the most destructive thing on the planet? Onions have caused more women to cry than men have, and men are the complete worst. That shows you how bad onions are.
Still don’t think onions are the worst? They are the same size as an apple. I dare you to take even one apple sized bite out of one and then, right after, offer to kiss anyone in the room. If Anna Kendrick(insert your celebrity or real life crush right here _______) walked in the room and offered to kiss me full on the lips right after they ate a bite of onion, I’d be like, nah, I’ll pass. I’m guessing most of you would be the same, but would take one of the millions of dollars they had. And by the way, call me after your mouth has taken a Dentyne Ice shower.
Still think onions are only the second worse? Ever notice how much they look like other things? Like lettuce? The same actual sliced up thing that you don’t mind on a sub? When I was eating my JJ sub, I could sense the sliver of onion in my sandwich 7 bites before I got there. I didn’t know how it was there, but it was. I don’t know if the guy that prepared the sandwich had one near by, if one was trapped in my glove box, or if the onion was hiding somewhere in those fields of green lettuce on the sandwich. I don’t know how it was there, or where, but I knew it was there. But within the haystacks of lettuce, there was a rusty nailed, onioned needle. What made it worse to me, was I knew it was there, but I had no idea where. That sliver of an onion was a ninja that had been training it’s whole life to disturb my 70 taste buds and let me just tell you, I could see on its little onion face that it enjoyed every minute.
Here’s the deal, that little slice of onion has taken down more of my days and my hamburgers than internets that Kim Kardashian has broken. Onions have ruined lives like plastic surgery has ruined people’s faces. It wasn’t just the sandwich that I had to throw away, but the tons of gum that had to die an early sweetening because of the destructive powers of the onion.
If I was given the choice to have onions inhabit the earth as the only food left on earth, or I could eat all the delicious foods in the world onion free, but I had to have a mosquito plague devastate the world, I would take the mosquitoes, for my last three days on earth, because at least I wouldn’t have the horrible taste of onions on my breath for the last three days of my life.
My worst nightmare by a long shot, would be to have a pizza with tiny little onions hiding underneath the pepperoni. To mix the world’s greatest food and the savior of foodkind, with a tiny little sliver of an onion, is not only my Kryptonite, but pepperoni’s.
Even as the second most famous green thespian of our time (I would have to admit Yoda is the first) Shrek said(donkey said the first two), “Ogres are like onions, they stink.”, “Ogres are like onions, they make you cry.” and the biggest reason of all, “Onions have layers, ogres have layers.” I DO NOT have layers. I have one thing, bitterness.
Quick note before I wrap up. I know I have figuratively shredded you to bits and would never shred you literally, but Theonion.com, if you are reading this, I would love to work for you. No offense toward the whole onion thing.
Bitter Onion sliver Ben