The bitterest place on earth – The Magic Kingdom Edition – Part 1

Neo's journey in the Matrix was similar to my journey in Magic Kingdom, except that he learned something, and I just got more bitter.

Neo’s journey in the Matrix was similar to my journey in Magic Kingdom, except that he learned something, and I just got more bitter.

Homer had his Odessy, Neo had his Matrix, Marty McFly had his Back to the Future adventure, I have had had my Disney excursion.  Each of them learned something.  I don’t know what Homer learned because that was a long time ago and I forgot.  Neo learned that the only way to change the Matrix was to sacrfice himself in order to balance the equation.  Marty McFly learned that if someone called him yellow, he didn’t have to be stupid and prove that he wasn’t.  I however, as a bitter person, didn’t learn anything.  I only became more bitter.

My trip to Florida was probably a once in a decade type of thing and hopefully longer than that.  Since we visited 6 different parks in 7 days, including two Universal Parks, I have decided to break up my bitter blogs into 6, one for each day and park we visited.  Just know that just like you, I might tire and become bored of this format and move onto something else and never come back to it, but that is to my discretion as I am the author of this thing. So without anymore boring exposition, I present to you, the Magic Kingdom.

Magic Kingdom is one of four Disney Parks, or as I like to call it Disneyland.  It is almost the same exact thing as Disneyland, minus some attractions and the California Adventure part.  It has the huge castle thing you see in all the introductions of the Disney Movies and no Tinkerbell.  That’s right, she is just a CG thing.  She doesn’t exist.

As one who is lazy, I also have lazy feet.  As an ongoing thing throughout this Bitter Orlando Trip, my feet started protesting.  We drove our car to the parking lot, which lead me to a tram, which drove me to a train, which brought me to the entrance where I could finally enter.  While I enjoyed these rides to the park, they then left us on our own.  To walk.  What is that all about?  I had this awkward moment like when we had our first baby and the nurse handed it to me and I was like, what am I supposed to do now?  I was told by others to walk and at that moment my feet started protesting.   They were mad at me because they were used to being propped up on the lazy boy.  Why were they being forced to work on this “vacation”?  They would be much sadder later.

This park more than perhaps any of the others, was run on happiness.  It could sense my bitterness right away, because as soon as I stepped onto the most famous of happy rides, the “It’s a small world after all” ride (I can’t remember what it is called because they don’t repeat the words for it very much…) broke down in the middle.  But the singing never stopped.  From Japan, to Mongolia, to Dutch to French to Hawaii, they all kept saying something about our world being small.  We all know that isn’t true.  I have walked just the Disney Parks, and just that knowledge let’s me know that this world isn’t small.   Also why are all these rides in English?  Don’t the other countries in the small world speak other languages?   All I know is that if I were a ride operator at this ride, I would somehow make the music disappear accidently permanently.

There is a restaurant in there.  I think it is called Mickey Mouse Cheese.

There is a restaurant in there. I think it is called Mickey Mouse Cheese.

I am a big believer in marketing and all sources of way to advertise something.  See my Bittertising post if you couldn’t remember.  But the castle in the middle of Magic Kingdom takes the cake on awesome attempts on cashing in.  They have a store inside along with a restaurant.  Nothing speaks to me about a castle like a restaurant.  They should have taken it one step further and put a Chucky Cheese in there.  Or a Mickey Mouse Cheese.

This is the result of riding a scary Pirates of the Caribbean ride.  A stinking $20 plastic gun.

This is the result of riding a scary Pirates of the Caribbean ride. A  $20 plastic gun.

Speaking of marketing, they are really good about putting a store right at the end of a ride.  There is nothing more awesome than waiting in line for 45 minutes, riding a ride with your son who is totally scared of the Pirates of the Carribean because of the dark and the loud noises and the guns, but then at the end having to buy him said gun in cheap plastic form.  Your welcome for the $20 for the gun that will sit in our toy graveyard, Disney.

Speaking of long lines, Disney designed this park to be small enough for you to be able to finish it in several hours.  But in order to extend your joy they give you lines so you can stay longer and not experience as much.  That way you will want to come back tommorow for more toture. But knowing that you have another bitter park to visit tommorow they make you want to stay and enjoy “just one more line” before you leave.  And make sure you stay for their delightfully tasting, low costing food.  That is what the Happiest Place on earth is all about!

This is Sonny Eclipse, the bad pun telling, Dinosaur from outer space who is mocking you while you try to find a spot in the cafeteria high school style.

This is Sonny Eclipse, the bad pun telling, Dinosaur from outer space who is mocking you while you try to find a spot in the cafeteria, high school style.

And don’t forget the delightfully funny Dinosaur that tells galactic space puns, while you are trying to find a spot in the cafeteria like a high school student at a new school, trying to find a popular table.  Nothing like making you feel like you are being tortured in high school all over again!

I am thankful to you, Magic Kingdom, for the bitterest of experiences where I can finally leave just before the parade that starts at 9:00 pm and hunt for a sovenier while millions of people get in my way.  And I can get a glance of the gorgeous lights on the castle that has the Mickey Mouse cheese restaurant.  At least my feet will only have to walk just a little more to get me to the boat, that takes me to the tram, that takes me to my car.  It won’t have to do this again … for another 8 hours!  Can’t wait for Animal Kingdom…

See Animal Kingdom Part 2


Bitter Ben


27 thoughts on “The bitterest place on earth – The Magic Kingdom Edition – Part 1

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  4. Magic Kingdom definitely isn’t my favorite of the parks there, but…I DID get tiramisu when I went and it’s my favorite dessert, so I can’t complain about that…
    But my husband and I were in agreement on that ride…what is it? The one with the animatronic animals and the water (that is in MK, isn’t it? I think so)? Anyway, we were in agreement that it was pretty much the creepiest thing ever (I don’t know why I got on it considering I’d rode it before.).
    I have a bit of an irrational fear of animatronics. :/


    • I think the animatronic thing you are talking about is the dude that performs in the cafeteria. He was the creepiest thing I had ever seen.
      We went to the cafeteria of overpriced food and we waited thirty minutes for some person to move so we could get a seat. I was so bitter.


        • It was the picture of the dude I put on the post. He was a terrible piano playing weirdo from outer space that attempted to tell bad jokes with bad puns while you were attempting to eat overpriced garbage at the cafeteria.


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  6. You know some fellow sufferer recently sued Disneyland successfully for i believe it was ‘irreparable mental anguish’ or some such thing after riding the Small World ride.
    I would have done the same, but i had to hold a pen with two index fingers after and my legal signature was completely illegible.


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  8. Finally catching up on blogs and couldn’t wait to read your bitter Disney posts. On to the next one! By the way, we stood in line to order our food so we could stand in line to find a table, so we could eat our tasteless food while being annoyed by the creepy Elvis dinosaur, so we could leave the cafeteria and stand in another line somewhere else. Hoever, we created family memories to last a lifetime…I think. 😉


  9. There is nothing better than someone watching you take your last bite of lunch in hopes that you will leave so they can “have” your table. Worst lunch experience ever! #howfastcanyougettotheemptytable?


    • It was like we were stalkers and nerds at the same time, all while having the privelege of paying someone $50.00 for the same lunch that we could get in our school cafeteria, but tasted worse, all while being entertained by an annoying dinosaur.


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