Some people I know like to build Legos. Or rebuild engines. Or fix computers. Or put together furniture. Or mend relationships. For some reason, when they do these things, they think it brings some sort of order to the universe. It doesn’t. What they don’t know is that it brings something evil screaming into the world like Loki brought the Chitauri into the portal on earth. The unholy and evil Owner’s Manual. These wretched spawns are supposed to be a step by step process of how to build, fix or repair something. Some of them are just a list, some are pictures and some are lists and pictures. But the one thing that is universally included in all Owner’s Manual’s is something that will make even the smartest, sanest person alive as destructive as Wreck-It Ralph. Missing steps. In the Owner’s Manual program in colleges, they teach this as a necessary step. There is no owner’s manual to becoming bitter, but I do have a list of a few things that will help along those lines (and there are also some missing steps, per the traditional owner’s manual).
Fail to plan, so you can plan to fail – Everyone thinks it take so much dedication and planning to become bitter like this, but it doesn’t. It takes a lot of things, but planning isn’t one of them. Bad manners maybe. Unrealistic expectation, certainly, but planning never. Do you think I sit around writing steps on how to avoid work at work all day? No. It’s just a spontaneous thing. Will I read other blogs? Will it be ESPN that day, or IGN.com, or will I take long breaks in the break room. You can’t plan these things. Things come up all the time that can get in the way of your “plan”. You just have to be ready for anything when it comes to avoiding work.
Focus on your Failures – A lot of good things can happen during the day. You might get a raise, a promotion, or your boss might be gone for the day or week or month. Some people might find those things to be really great and that is just not something that will help you be bitter. You must learn to find the bitter in things. For instance, you got a raise? Awesome, now you have to pay more taxes, more people are going to want money from you, and now you will have to buy a Lamborghini that is even less fuel efficient than your current stupid car. And that will make it so you get to work earlier. Who wants that? And a promotion? Why would I want to do more work again?
Don’t Finish Things – If you have an owner’s manual, this might cause you to finish something. How is that good? If someone knows you are good at finishing things, then they will depend on you. Then more work comes your way and something way worse. Trust. And the only thing that comes with trust, is pressure to always be there for someone in their times of need. That means less time on the couch, sharing your pizza, and “listening to someone’s feelings”. Seriously don’t have time for any of those things.
When you are in the zone, take a break – You know what it’s like to be in the zone right? Ideas are flowing, brush strokes are flying, the video game controllers is practically molded directly into your hands, all your dreams are coming true(you better wake up, you’re late for work). And you think that the “zone” will last forever, so you take a break. I don’t need to write those ideas down. I’ll just put the paint brush down for a little. I’ll just push pause on the game to “listen to family members” talking about something. I’ll just wake up and completely remember the codes to the bank vault. And when you come back the zone will completely come back right?
Take shortcuts. They key to unsuccessfulness in bitterness, is to take shortcuts. Walk on people’s grass instead of their sidewalks. While driving, don’t come to a complete stop, roll on through. At a long red light, cut through that gas station to get to the other side. At work, cut out of meetings for “an appointment” or “you have to go to the bathroom”. When buying clothes, claim there is tiny hole and get a discount. When learning how to fly, you don’t need an airplane, just a really good catapult and a set of something that kind of looks like wings. When becoming a basketball player, just be really good at sitting on a bench, fake clapping encouragement, and work on your towel waving ability.
Buy Expensive things that have fatal flaws. – Buy super nice computers that just have bad motherboards. Buy expensive refrigerators that have ice makers that fail instantly. Buy an expensive car that has automatic everything that is controlled by a computer run by Windows. Buy a smart phone that has a dumb battery and that allows phone calls. Buy a blog domain that includes the name bensbitterblog.
Passive Aggressiveness – Passive aggressiveness is good for no one. But just because it isn’t good for anyone, doesn’t mean it isn’t my standard operating procedure. Sarcasm is my favorite use of passive aggressiveness. I use it to tell someone how much I can’t stand them, and the idiots that I use it with, don’t understand sarcasm, so it accomplishes nothing. I won’t ever stop using it on them, and they won’t ever learn that I am totally tearing them down. Bitterness personified.
See how useless owner’s manuals are? See how useless my advice to you is? See how much time both you and I have wasted going through this whole process? I will never get the 20 minutes back that it took to write this and you will never get the 5 seconds back that you wasted looking at the title of this blog and moving on very quickly. It was a waste for all and a cause for bitterness.
Bitter Owner’s Manual Ben