Forecasting Friday Bitter Giftures

I’m not good at a lot of things.  I can’t snowboard (at least that I know of), I keep my desk arranged in a way that allows important things to get lost, and I am certainly not good at smiling.  They say that frowning uses way more muscles than smiling, but have you seen my face?  It was born with a natural frown, so without even thinking I can make even the smiliest and most upbeat people buzz off, just by relaxing the face.  On the other hand, smiling for a picture makes my face hurt almost as much as my face hurts you to look at.  I am good at a few things, and one of those things is being bitter, and the other is that I have a firm grasp of the obvious.  Also, I am really good at predicting the future, especially when it is obvious.  So join me as I amaze and astound you with my bold predictions of things that will most certainly happen.


I predict…

...that this guy will be hurting soon.

…that this guy will be hurting soon.


I predict…


...that this guy will never swim across the Panama Canal.

…that this guy will never swim across the Panama Canal.



I predict…


…something more than just his pride will be hurting.



I predict…



...he won't get recruited to help move anyone ever again.

…he won’t get recruited to help move anyone ever again.


 My Spidey Sense tells me..

...that he isn't a Skywalker.

…that he isn’t a Skywalker.


 As a medium of the obvious, I predict…

...he will not be working the forklift tomorrow...or even again for this company.

…he will not be working the forklift tomorrow…or even again for this company.


My Nostradamiusness tells me…


...he was a little shocked.

…he was a little shocked to find out it was an electric fence.


I’m gonna John Edwards this one…

...he's gonna take stairs next time.

...he’s gonna take stairs next time.


I see dead people…as well as…


…people on other planes.



I’d tell you about your bitter future…

...but then you might not become a big fan.

…but then you might not be a big fan.


Swami says…

...there is no concrete evidence that this works.

…this guy doesn’t have any concrete plans.



Tomorrow weather forecast calls for cloudy…




…with no chance of this guy making it in the army or as a major league pitcher.



I have a few more predictions.  One, you will have nothing but a bitter weekend full of things that you plan to do, but don’t happen and don’t want to do, but will happen.  I also predict that after this post you won’t ever want to read this blog again.

Any predictions for your weekend?


Your Bitterly Obvious Medium Ben













51 thoughts on “Forecasting Friday Bitter Giftures

  1. THE SWIMMING. OMG, THE SWIMMING. I watched that cycle through about five times before carrying on with the rest of the post. It wasn’t a CTM. DEFINITELY a LOL.

    I also liked the ‘fan’.


    • The swimmer guy looked like if he was in the olympics could have won a few races. He was pretty serious about winning that race.

      The fan was pretty epic. I wish I had someone like that at my wedding keeping the proceeding lively like that.


      • I loved that moving picture so much that I had to show it to Husband. He loved it so much that he had to post it somewhere on the clan website. (He’s in a clan (almost typed clam) for Battlefield.) I can still laugh thinking about it. So funny.

        Was the windmill thing at a wedding? I didn’t notice.


  2. That is a neat trick that I will use so no one ever asks me to help them move!

    (I’m traumatized by all things to do with moving. Plus, I’m lazy and selfish and don’t want to do other people’s chores when I’m already bad at doing my own. Wait… I think you’re rubbing off on me.)


    • I plan on doing it whenever I get the chance. I hate moving in general, especially when it involves moving off the couch. I’m glad I’m rubbing off on you, if only just a smidge. Bitterness will make the world go grinding to a halt.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I predict you will write another bitterly post this weekend 🙂
    Love your bitterness and am so glad to have Bitterness permeating my blog site..
    Thanks for the visits Bitter Ben…enjoying your blog always 🙂


  4. YOU freaking crack me up!!! I’ve come up with a plan. Instead of answering the phone and saying what you’re directed to say, just ONE time (what are the odds of it being recorded and listened to…really?) say “Hi, and thanks for your interest in anal butt plugs. Are you looking for small medium or extra large, so I know what department to transfer you to. Come on… DO IT!! It’ll make you laugh your ass off, the man on the other end extremely embarrassed as he’s obviously dialed the wrong number, and perhaps lighten your day a bit. I say go for it. Then get up to use the bathroom, because you know he’s going to hang up and call right back. Let someone else take the call. 🙂 Have a bitter day!!!



        • No. Not yet. But they’re getting married on September 6th. I have a strong feeling there’s going to be a big crimp in their honeymoon. WHOOPS 🙂


        • And it WILL work out for me. This grown man has to sit before a judge and explain how the death of a child is funny, AND why, if he was laid off for the whole winter, he couldn’t find the time to take the court ordered parenting class. I’m just going to walk in and keep my mouth shut. He digs his own holes. I can’t wait to see him TRY to climb out of this one.


        • It’s going to be tough, but it’s for the best interest of my son. You have kids, right? Would you not go for the jugular to protect them? And if it means biting my tongue so as not to piss off the judge, so be it. I’ll have a bloody tongue but I’ll also have sole custody of my one and only. He keeps popping them out like hike his girlfriend is a freaking pez dispenser. It’s disgusting. They don’t know thing about parenting (I’m pretty sure it’s not right to tell your 9 year old son that you were a crack addict and an alcoholic with the counter tops filled with empty beer bottles.) But… since you don’t need a license to have kids, they continue to pop them out, claim poverty so they government pays for their food and health insurance AND both of them have a criminal record. I did make the suggestion that they make the first page of their wedding album a picture of each of their mug shots and underneath they can title it “Our Journey Together.” My heart breaks for the kids who HAVE to grow up in their house. The kids who have no escape. The kids who are not even 2 yet and being yelled and screamed at and called names. That is my ONLY concern. Those poor kids don’t stand a chance.


  5. The bitterness in this post actually made my day better. Which is probably not what was intended. I promise I’ll get back to being bitter later. Meanwhile, that first gif—I’m really afraid that guy is no longer with us. How high was that ledge? Was he wearing a parachute? Was there a giant Wile E. Coyote style trampoline at the bottom waiting to catch him? What, in the name of all that is good, made him think that doing gymnastics on a canyon wall was a good idea? *sigh* People.


    • I’m sure he had a spotter at the bottom. Especially if he was going for Olympic gold. Though I imagine that the spotter dropped him just like most spotters do. Oh well, he’s probably doing gymnastics in the sky.


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