The Bitter Realm Part 1

 

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I’m joining this realm soon.

 

After much contemplation (day dreaming at work) and coming to realization that I can’t stand anyone anymore, I have decided that I have had enough of this realm.  This earth has too much gravity (it’s always holding me down) and the trees (with their fancy leaves and their condescending looks from above)have ruled here too long. I’m defecting.  I can’t stand the day to day grind.  I keep doing the same thing over and over.  I keep eating food every day, I keep fighting the same traffic every day, I keep fixing the same mistakes of other people every day, I keep listening to the same whiners on the phone every day, I keep writing the same blog post every other day.  I have decided to defect.  Therefore, I have decided to embrace my pixely side.  Goodbye earth, hello world of video games.  As soon as I finish this paragraph, I’m going to the closest local portal to start my adventure.  I just hope that it isn’t one of those slow dial up 56k portals.  The traffic in that portal is horrendous.

Yep.

Hitting buttons on a joystick is the leading cause of violence.

Me(whispering): Alright everyone, I am here. By the way, I got stuck in one of those 28.8 K dial up portals.  Gosh dang my stupid luck. When I first got here they stuck me into some chamber that is supposed to cut you up into pixels then shrink you.  Unfortunately, they messed up several of my pixels, so I am well, kind of hideous.  I have a dark cloak and several scars. Everyone else in line seems to be bright colored, and perfectly shaped.  For some reason everyone in this line seems to be staring at me, as if I’m not supposed to be here. They are probably jealous because my skill level is a 10 and my brain level is an 8.  I wonder what sad, pathetic level all these other jokers are at.  From the looks of them, probably 1 or 2’s.

I’m gonna ask the guy behind me what level he is.

Me: Hey guy behind me, what level are you? (Snicker to myself.)

Guy behind me: I’m pretty low. I’m only a level 84.

Me: Ha, he probably means a .84.

Guy behind me: Who are you talking to? Nope I’m a level 84.  What are you?

Me: Ha, ha.  Um, I’m a level 108, of course. You are pretty low.  I will probably have to save you a lot from dying.

Guy behind me: Dude, there is a cap level of 100.  Noone can go over that. What is your real level?

Me: Oh look, it’s my turn to register. I’m probably going to like a Call of Duty, or Halo.

Registering guy: Sir, what are you doing here?

Me: I’m here to register for my video game assignment like everyone else, duh.

RG: Sir, this is the hero line.

Me: I know right? So what awesome realm will I be going to? Halo, Gears of War, Battlefield, one of the Final Fantasies? Please tell me it isn’t Earth again.  That place suuucked.

RG: Um, sir I think you are in the wrong line.

Me(whispering to RG): Actually, I think all the people behind me are.  I mean really? They all have shiny teeth, perfectly pressed clothes and they are all dressed in white? Bunch of nerds huh? After we are done here, I’ll tell them all to leave for you.

RG: I don’t think you are getting what I’m trying to say, sir.  You are a villain.  You should be in the other line.

Me: No, they messed up my body in the chamber thingy.  I got scars and they gave me this dark cloak by mistake.  But you know, I forgive them.  They can just send me that stuff later.  So what realm will I be going to?

RG: Security! We need to get this guy to the right line.

Some big dude with an oversized sword comes toward me.

Me: Cooool. I get a sword? I hope I get a shield too.

The security guard drags me about a hundred feet and all of a sudden, darkness.

Me: Hey, what happened to the lights? And why did that security guy not give me my sword?

Well, it is dark here. Of course I’m going to get this all sorted out.  I mean, why the heck would they make me wait in line with these villain fools? I’m sure it was just a huge mix up.  Well, when I figure it out, we’ll talk again. In the meantime, let me just leave you with

I guess I've used up all mine.

I guess I’ve used up all mine.

ARRRRRGGGGGHHHH

Bitter Realm Ben

 

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39 thoughts on “The Bitter Realm Part 1

  1. Pingback: Bitter Comments and Commenter of the Year | Ben's Bitter Blog

  2. If I were a video game villain, I’d want to be that guy in the castle at the end of each mario level. He never dies. You kill him, you jump on him 3 times, or balance the teeter totter thing so he drops off the edge into lava, but he always comes back. Good gig.

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  3. Pingback: The Bitter Realm Conclusion – The Lost Relics | Ben's Bitter Blog

  4. Pingback: The Bitter Realm Part 2 | Ben's Bitter Blog

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  6. I’m really, really, deeply not-good at video games where you have to do stuff in any particular time in order to survive. If you’d like some help being in Roller Coaster Tycoon I’m pretty good at that, though, and I’ve been getting into building side-friction roller coasters (a kind from before 1920, when they invented the “upstop wheels”, so these ones kind of do fly off the tracks, but they drop right back down onto them again).

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  7. I have to say, this is my new favorite post of yours.
    Also, loved the ‘violence in video games’ picture. It was great. 😀

    Also x2, I hope I’m somehow excluded from the ‘anyone’ part of the beginning.

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    • Well, thanks. It’s funny because in theory, it was gonna be a good post, but turned into something else entirely. I then started running out of time and just had to wrap it up, so decided to do a part one. Hope to make it to part 2, but not sure where or when. I get myself into messes like this all the time.

      You are definitely excluded from the anyone part in the beginning. You get an exemption.

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      • Haha, it WAS a good post!

        I just read the part 2, so looks like you got to it pretty quickly . . .
        I guess it turned out to be a non-mess. 😉

        And thank you for excluding me from that. I guess I like being excluded in general, so DOUBLE BONUS! (Experience points x2!)
        🙂

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        • Well thank you. I think I have to finish my triology next week. Any guesses how it will end? Yeah, me neither.

          Of course, you’re the one I complain all the time to about not liking other people. Kind of ironic that we both feel that way about others huh?

          You do get double experience points. If you weren’t so excited about being excluded I would include you in the games as my sidekick. (the non-evil one of course).

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        • Yeah, it is kind of ironic that we like each other while not-liking most people. I don’t really think you complain about it that often, but maybe my idea of ‘that often’ pertaining to this particular matter isn’t really the same as most other people . . .

          I was wondering if I misread this while we were texting, but you definitely said ‘sidekick’ here.
          Either way, count me in. (If you write me in.) ha

          I could be the non-evil co-hero who you try to make bitter, then realize you like them non-bitter, only to realize THEN that they’re the most negative person ever. THEN BFs forever!
          (Because THAT’S not accurate. haha)

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        • I am always complaining about having to be around other people. That is why I am the dark KNIGHT! I enjoy the night and being alone and with my own thoughts and not having to be around others is my ideal situation. Thanks for listening to that part of me.
          I totally have a place in my book for you. The girl in the book is much more than a sidekick though (my book, not the realm post.) She is a smart, and strong character, (not unlike Aster) and one that puts Brandon in his place a lot and one that he needs to challenge him.
          If I do another sequel to that post, I may be able to write you in as a hero or mentor (but as you can see I’m turning to a villain, so maybe you should not want to be in the post?

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        • You’re putting me in your book? O.o
          Am I reading that right or am I just getting confused about books and posts?

          I definitely want to be in the post if you can make that happen. I want to see how it turns out!

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        • I am putting you in that one post as you know (though I haven’t finished it yet). You might be the only follower that even cares about a finish on that one by now. I will find a small cameo in my book for you. Any suggestions as to what you want to be? Or what you want to be named?

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        • Are you ever going to get around to finishing The Bitter Realm? I doubt I’m the only follower that cares about you finishing it.
          And no, I have no suggestions about the book. It’s your book! (LoL, have we given up on co-writing it?!)

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        • Ha ha, yes, I get around to finishing it. Just kidding I did it finally! And you know history and stuff.

          I still think it would be awesome to co-write a book, but realistically it probably won’t work (at least on this book.) I’ve spend too much time picturing it my head. I just need to suck it up and do it! But someday we will do something together!

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        • What are we talking about with history? I’m lost.

          I didn’t think it WOULD work on this one. But yes, we should definitely do that one day. 😀
          How are things going in that regard?

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  8. Oh Bitter Ben, you are such a muse
    In the wrong line with so many clues
    Your villainy should have been your first tip
    Without having to listen to any Hero’s lip

    The realm you are in is must be your real home
    Only coming to Earth when needing to roam
    To spread your bitterness both far and wide
    With no place for any of us innocents to hide

    So return to your realm or try a new game
    To stay with the heroes seems rather lame
    A sword and a shield will only confuse
    And if you’re not careful, will cause you to lose ©

    May the Bitter Force Be With You! 

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