After much contemplation (day dreaming at work) and coming to realization that I can’t stand anyone anymore, I have decided that I have had enough of this realm. This earth has too much gravity (it’s always holding me down) and the trees (with their fancy leaves and their condescending looks from above)have ruled here too long. I’m defecting. I can’t stand the day to day grind. I keep doing the same thing over and over. I keep eating food every day, I keep fighting the same traffic every day, I keep fixing the same mistakes of other people every day, I keep listening to the same whiners on the phone every day, I keep writing the same blog post every other day. I have decided to defect. Therefore, I have decided to embrace my pixely side. Goodbye earth, hello world of video games. As soon as I finish this paragraph, I’m going to the closest local portal to start my adventure. I just hope that it isn’t one of those slow dial up 56k portals. The traffic in that portal is horrendous.
Me(whispering): Alright everyone, I am here. By the way, I got stuck in one of those 28.8 K dial up portals. Gosh dang my stupid luck. When I first got here they stuck me into some chamber that is supposed to cut you up into pixels then shrink you. Unfortunately, they messed up several of my pixels, so I am well, kind of hideous. I have a dark cloak and several scars. Everyone else in line seems to be bright colored, and perfectly shaped. For some reason everyone in this line seems to be staring at me, as if I’m not supposed to be here. They are probably jealous because my skill level is a 10 and my brain level is an 8. I wonder what sad, pathetic level all these other jokers are at. From the looks of them, probably 1 or 2’s.
I’m gonna ask the guy behind me what level he is.
Me: Hey guy behind me, what level are you? (Snicker to myself.)
Guy behind me: I’m pretty low. I’m only a level 84.
Me: Ha, he probably means a .84.
Guy behind me: Who are you talking to? Nope I’m a level 84. What are you?
Me: Ha, ha. Um, I’m a level 108, of course. You are pretty low. I will probably have to save you a lot from dying.
Guy behind me: Dude, there is a cap level of 100. Noone can go over that. What is your real level?
Me: Oh look, it’s my turn to register. I’m probably going to like a Call of Duty, or Halo.
Registering guy: Sir, what are you doing here?
Me: I’m here to register for my video game assignment like everyone else, duh.
RG: Sir, this is the hero line.
Me: I know right? So what awesome realm will I be going to? Halo, Gears of War, Battlefield, one of the Final Fantasies? Please tell me it isn’t Earth again. That place suuucked.
RG: Um, sir I think you are in the wrong line.
Me(whispering to RG): Actually, I think all the people behind me are. I mean really? They all have shiny teeth, perfectly pressed clothes and they are all dressed in white? Bunch of nerds huh? After we are done here, I’ll tell them all to leave for you.
RG: I don’t think you are getting what I’m trying to say, sir. You are a villain. You should be in the other line.
Me: No, they messed up my body in the chamber thingy. I got scars and they gave me this dark cloak by mistake. But you know, I forgive them. They can just send me that stuff later. So what realm will I be going to?
RG: Security! We need to get this guy to the right line.
Some big dude with an oversized sword comes toward me.
Me: Cooool. I get a sword? I hope I get a shield too.
The security guard drags me about a hundred feet and all of a sudden, darkness.
Me: Hey, what happened to the lights? And why did that security guy not give me my sword?
Well, it is dark here. Of course I’m going to get this all sorted out. I mean, why the heck would they make me wait in line with these villain fools? I’m sure it was just a huge mix up. Well, when I figure it out, we’ll talk again. In the meantime, let me just leave you with
Bitter Realm Ben