Bitterizing Upbeat Music

/ bensbitterblog
The singers of Everything is Awful.

The singers of Everything is Awful.

Music has been on my brain a lot lately, especially this last weekend.  I had the displeasure of seeing the Lego Movie because my kids “claimed” it was good and “claimed” it had a twist ending, but you should know by know how I feel about that.  If you don’t, you can go back to the days gone by and read my review of the Lego Movie before it came out in theatres.  All you need to know is that it featured Legos and Legos sometimes feature themselves in the carpet in our house.  And sometimes, I walk in the carpet barefoot.  Getting the gist? (only the most clueless wouldn’t, like me. Not sure what is happening here?)

So, the Lego movie featured a song.  Only one song.  If you’ve seen the movie, I’m pretty sure you know exactly what song I am talking about.  If you have not seen the movie, you know exactly what song I’m talking about.  It is a song called Everything is Awesome and it is the worst song ever.  It is catchy, and rythmic and it took up permanent residence in my brain the moment the first note was played, the first phrase was uttered and my brain being the jerk it is, decided to store this one short term and long term.  He didn’t keep it way back in the recesses where all my good ideas are stored, or where the one nice thing I ever thought is.  Nope.  He kept it front and center.  Right where every other annoying song and bad jingle and every other annoying thought and person is.  Where I keep my rage and bitterness.  Right there below the surface.  Well, since is clearly isn’t going to go away, I am going to make a mockery of it and everything it stands for. It is my revenge, brain.  Take this! I’m changing the words to:

Yeah, me too.

Yeah, me too.

 

Sung in a bitter and angry tone:

Everything is Awful – (The Bitter Ben anger remix)

Everything is awful, everything is cruel when you’re part of a team,

Everything is awful, when you are dying during your dreams

Everything is bitter, when we are falling apart at the seams

Apart from each other, we are gonna lose forever

Let’s party never,

I’m not like you, you’re not like me

Let’s work apart in disharmony

 

Waaaah, 3,2,1 staaaap!

Have you heard the news? Everyone’s stalking

Life is crap, cause everything is awful

Lost my job, there’s no opportunities

No free time for my awful community

I feel more awful than an awful possum

Dip my body in rotton frostin’

Three years later still findin frostin on me

Smellin like garbage, everything is awful

Stepped in mud, got some stinky brown shoes

It’s awful to win and it’s awful to lose

Dark skies, twangy strings, we just named two awful things

An Ignoble Prize, a piece of string

You know what’s awful, everything!

Dogs with fleas, allergies

A book of Geek antiquities

Holey Pants, an old dusty vest

Awful items are the wor-est

Trees, frogs, clogs, they’re awful

Rocks, clocks, and socks they’re awful

Figs, jigs, and twigs, they’re awful

Everything you see or think or say is awful.

 

Now doesn’t that make the movie sound so much bitter?  More despair and negativity and life-sucking miserableness? Now that is a movie song.  That is one to get caught in your brain, to start off an incredibly Miserable Monday or Terrible Tuesday singing that as you greet your co-workers and letting them know how you think of them?

Well, there’s one more.

Another song on the bitter soundtrack of awfulness.  An emmy-winning, Oscar-winning, load of positivity that needs to be taken down.  If you haven’t heard of this piece of tree hugging, soul giving, piece of light fluffy bunny fresh air Sunny D garbage, then you haven’t heard anything ever on this earth. I wish I was you.  The song I’m talking about is Will Pharell’s song Happy that is so full of sugar, that it is trying to infect my dark black soul.  It’s is causing me to have a cholesterol (the thing that is taking the place of where the heart is supposed to be) attack and go into bitter convulsions.  For those of you who also can’t take the Happy anymore, just replace the upbeat beat, with downtrodden irregular cholesterol beats and sing badly in discord without me to the sounds of the bitter beats:

Simon is overwhelmed by how Happy he is.

Simon is overwhelmed by how Happy he is.

Crappy (or Creepy or Bitter, or Nappy) – By Bitter Ben (The non imaginative house battering version remix)

It’s definitely crazy what I’m ’bout to say

The Dark Knight he’s here, you can get a broken leg

I’m full of hot air, there’s not enough space,

With the air, I don’t care,  Baby, you’re in my freakin way

Because I’m Creepppyyyy

Creep along if you like to stalk a room without a roof.

Because I’m Creepppy

Creep along if you feel like bitterness is the truth

Because I’m Creeppppyy

Creep along if you know what creepiness is to you

Because I’m Creepppy

Creep along if you feel like creepiness is what you do

Verse 2

Here comes bad news, everything is the worst (Yeah!)

Well, here’s all my bitterness, I’m not holding back(Yeah!)

I should probably warn you, I’ll be just bitter!(Yeah!)

Offense to you, really waste your time, here’s why…

Bridge

Keep me down

Nothing can’t bring me down

My level’s low, but you can still bring me down

Still keep trying to bring me down, I say…

 

These bitter versions will be widely available in Tower Records, Blockbuster Video, Circuit City or on Zunes everywhere.

ARRRRGGGHHHHH

Bitter Izing Beats Ben

 

 

45 thoughts on “Bitterizing Upbeat Music”

  1. I took my son to see it on Tuesday…when all movies are $5 – great …until I realized I read the showtimes wrong and was then paying to see it at regular price – in 3D. Perfect. Everything is Awesome.

    Ugh.

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    • I wish we had a place that let us in for $5. Our cheap theaters charge us $8. And almost as much for gas. Did your sonny boy like it? My kids did so we got it on Bluray. That stupid song is one of those songs that you can’t get out of your head.

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  2. Pingback: In case you missed it…because you were busy getting lost in the forest | Ben's Bitter Blog

  3. The Husband went out WITHOUT permission, and bought this movie for our children. I am bitter, Ben. I am bitter and proud, and join you in both the bitter earworm that plagues me night and day, and the little plastic squares that jam themselves into my feet when my son does not put them all away. (which is every single time he gets out the 8 jillion piece set that he owns.) Something has to be done. Any takers? I’m far too bitter and lazy to do it myself.

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    • I try to discourage the building of Legos by telling them I won’t help them with it, but really I just don’t know how to. They don’t either, which makes them even more likely to spill one on the floor and kill me early.

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        • Hmmmm…. Perhaps there’s a Jazzy in my future. Not only would I no longer have to incur the daily hassle of walking around my house, one of those would smush those loathsome squares into a million pieces. Plus, Wilfred Brimley, or whoever that guy is, said my insurance would pay for it.
          Might be worse, actually. What if I got a flat?

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        • What is a jazzy again? If those things were buried in the ground, maybe they would make it to the other side of the earth and bug China. Either way, I might only be slightly less bitter because billions of those bricks could easily replace the ones that were lost.

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    • I wish I had mad rhyming skills. What I actually have is mad copying down the words and just saying the opposite, skilIs. And the rhymes I’m spitting out are stuttering I would be doing if I got in front of a crowd to spit them.

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  5. I haven’t seen the Lego Movie. I heard it was SUPER AWESOME, but Husband and I have had pretty much no desire to watch it (despite loving the Lego games and both of us liking Legos in general). I’m sure we will at some point.
    But anyway, the Dark Knight/broken leg thing was great. XD

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    • It is actually pretty cool. You’ve probably heard that there is a twist at the end and it is….just kidding I won’t spoil it, but it makes the movie. I’m really not a fan of the Legos though. I never played with them as a kid. (I can’t build anything to save my life.) And I simply cannot stand when one is in the carpet and I step on it. I really do get bitter at them for that.

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      • No, I haven’t heard any specifics of the movie, only that it’s good.
        Haha, I’m not so exceptional at building things either, though I did assist in building a pretty spectacular fence once. But you should’ve seen me when my dad was trying to explain building a shooting target to me. It was so simple, and I just didn’t get it. My brain doesn’t work that way!

        I really can’t blame you for not enjoying stepping on Legos when they’re hiding on the floor.

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        • I guess I am going to have to be the bringer of all information to you since you are thinking or writing or editing your book 24/7 360 days a year. When you poke your head out of the shed for those 5 days (cumulatively), I will quickly get you up to speed on all the goings on in the world.

          I did get to help build our shed once, but basic tasks like nailing nails in wood and holding stuff for other people while they asked for stuff. Also I held things for our window guy last summer. I guess really am terrible at being handy.

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        • Haha, that sounds like a plan, as long as you don’t mind keeping me up to date on the going-ons in the world.

          I actually like doing stuff like that, with the nails, screws, etc. Or I did. I’m getting to where I don’t like to be outside at all. :/
          LoL, are you terrible at being handy in general, or just with building things?
          I can fix things sometimes, but I’m not really a ‘how it works’ sort of person. I’m a ‘why it works’ person. Not good for fixing things. Or for most things in general….

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        • I will be glad to let you know about things that are going on outside. Actually,not much good is going on out there. Planes are crashing, weather is nuts and all kinds of people in sports are getting paid too much money. Especially basketball free agents. There is a few good things, but they don’t really report that on the news. You are better off being in your shed, sheltered from the world.
          Nope I’m not good at fixing stuff. Which is bad because Calvin is really good at breaking stuff. He is the master at that, along with parkour and sword fights. I guess I’m the guy that helps kids use their imagination and have fun. Which is where my video game experience comes in handy. I can speak their language.

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        • Thanks, I would seriously appreciate you keeping me updated with the going-ons in the world. I mean, every once in a while. I’d rather not know, for the most part. (I would definitely rather be in the shed, sheltered from the world.)
          All that crap going on with planes is so weird. Don’t you think?

          Speaking of him and his parkour…
          I showed that video of him on Instagram to Husband. We had a good laugh over it. XD
          And hey, helping kids use their imagination is great. You can always call someone to fix something, but I think the rest of it is pretty irreplaceable. 🙂

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        • I’m going to just be the guy that gives you highlights of things I think are important. Namely: Sports, Entertainment, and reading the headlines of things that seem to be more important than a one day thing on the news. You already scooped me on Guardians of the Galaxy and I gave you the Spurs Assistant thing. Expect other things that will be few and far between(Whoops, I forgot to tell you that I will be the foremost authority on bitter, both imagined and real).
          The boy gets pretty serious when it comes to the parkour. I need to get out there and do some more of that. Maybe he will get better and become a pro. He keeps telling me that he thinks basketball is boring and he doesn’t like it. Recently I convinced him that if he got good and ended up playing for the Spurs, he would be a millionaire and he would be able to buy us a mansion and we could live with him. That turned him around and he now wants to be a b-ball players. Though I should probably not let him read my Bitter Pain post that I did recently or he will not want to play. 😦

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        • I’ve been watching a couple nightly shows, (Conan and most recently Jimmy Fallon) so I actually have a decently vague idea of what’s going on in the world. Not that I really care.
          BITTER MUCH?!

          Haha, the parkour. I’m glad we keep talking about it because it reminds me of the video, which just CRACKED ME UP. Maybe he WILL become a pro. I actually think parkour is extremely cool. I think the first time I saw it, it was a dude dressed up as the guy from Assassin’s Creed, and that was just so awesome. (Tried to play the game recently. Didn’t like it.) I guess I have a soft spot for assassins now. XD

          Has he been playing basketball to prepare himself to become a pro for that mansion you told him about? XD

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        • Jimmy is a pretty funny guy and Conan too, but I have never been a late night talk show guy. I do love Saturday Night live, so should really love Fallon and Seth Myers, but I usually find other stuff on then. Bitter much? I sure hope you are or we couldn’t be friends. Though you are getting a little positivity with your journal, I do appreciate you staying a little bitter around me.

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  6. I like to overly dramatize everything, so sometimes I have everything-is-awesome days, and sometimes I have everything-is-awful days. Also, PUNS EVERYWHERE…

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  10. Thank you for saving me from the hellish consequences of having these songs stuck in my head, or worse yet, when I actually forget who and where I am and sing them aloud. Now everyone will just think I am muttering to myself discontentedly, as usual.

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  11. Ha! I love it! Another awesome post, I love reading this blog. It makes me feel less like an Ahole when I view things in the same perspective, either that or we’re surrounded by aholes and we’re normal? Either way, epic!

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