If you know me in real life (which you really don’t want to), you know that not a Friday may pass without pizza being in my life (and by in my life, I mean in my stomach). It is one of the least complicated and best traditions I’ve ever had. It ensures that I don’t have to bring my lunch with me to work, it ensures that there is one thing that I can count on, and most of all, it is conveniently cut into 8 slices JUST FOR ME. I feel sorry for the rest of you that have to cut it yourselves. It must suck for you to know that Pizza places don’t do the things for you that they do for me. In fact, when I feel too lazy to pick it up myself, they will offer to drive the pizza from their store to my house for a low, low price of $3.95 plus the price of the pizza, plus the price of the tax and only a 25% tip. See how good I have it and you don’t?
I have pizza so much that I am starting to turn into one. In fact, does it feel hot to you right now? I’m so hot right now, I have tomato sauce in my veins. Pretty soon someone is going to think I am a pizza and cut me up into 8 slices of Bitteroni. Actually people already do, but metaphorically. Do you ever feel so pulled by other forces that you feel like 8 different slices of pizza being distributed in 8 different ways? Yeah me too.
Piece #1: Pepperoni. This piece goes by the name of “family”. This eighth of the pizza pie is the one you wish would be the whole pie, the one that you wish you could spend all the time with, but bitterly, there are other 7/8 of the pizza that are greedy pigs that are boring, and just want you for greedy reasons, that only call when they need something. Though sometimes they do expect you to get off the couch and go to a place they call the “outdoors”, and they want you to spend money on them too. Oh and they expect that you remember their birthdays. Oh and anniversaries. Oh and they want parties with annoying neighborhood kids. But other than that…
Piece #2: Work. Sardines and Onions. This piece wants to rob you of your soul, and your energy, and your time. But on the other hand, it allows you to be paid 1/8 of what you are worth. Work only requires that you be there 1/2 of the day and only 100% of the day that is light outside. Work always makes sure it is so conveniently close to where you live so you only have to spend 2-4 hours getting there everyday. Work allows you the freedom of paying for the bus, train or other PT for only lots of money, or allowing you to buy a car and paying for really cheap gas to get there. Work gives you the privelege of getting off for 1 hour per day to eat something, in which it allows you to not get paid for. There are rewards though. They allow you to donate money to the government, life insurance, medical insurance and 401K, even if you never get to benefit from any of those things! Also, if you feel like donating more money to the government, you can work overtime, where ever more of you money goes to government, where they carefully spend the money on planes, swanky apartments, and only the finest of dining (and perhaps other) establishments.
Piece #3: Friends. The Supreme Piece. Not because friends are great, but more because of how random and all over they place they are. I had “friends” in kindergarten that I don’t even talk to anymore. I spent the good portion of 2 hours for 8 months talking to these people and yet here I am 30 some years later and not once have I ever received a call, text, smoke signal, Instagram follow, care package or even a Flag Day card. Clearly if you can’t even think of me on Flag Day, you aren’t my friend. On the other hand, there have been people I’ve met once at a function that I didn’t want to say a word to, barely looked in the direction of, and scowled the whole time I was ignoring them talking to me, and yet they will call, text, stand outside my door waiting for me to go to work, can tell me the kind of cereal I like to eat the third Saturday of May of every year and somehow they think they are loyal enough to be call themselves a friend. Regardless, they want about 90% of my time, but are only willing to give me 10% back. Cause what are friends for?
Piece #4: Social Media. This is the desert piece of pizza. This piece demands 90% of your attention(which is why you need to do it at work). You need to tell all your “followers” what you are doing at all times. Because followers demand to know. They need to know what you had for breakfast. They need to know about your family. They need to know about your work, and your leisure and your vacation schedule. They need to know what games you are playing on your phone. They need to know every scandal, every argument, they need photographs of your kids, and videos of every blooper you ever make. They need all these things so that they can hit like and move on to the next person that they don’t care about. So you need to work hard, writing, typing, taking pictures and making videos, and posting, just for the chance that maybe, just maybe, a sitcom writer, or comedian, or model scout that has nothing better to do with just happen to randomly come upon your video, Facebook quote, blog post, or tweet and realize that they should pay you millions of dollars because they like that picture of your dog and want to make a reality show out of your not very interesting life.
Piece #5: Sports. This is a piece of Canadian Bacon & Pineapple. Not every likes it, and it’s seasons go in waves. It doesn’t require my attention until the last two minutes of the game. The football topping requires every Saturday, Sunday, Monday, and Thursdays from September to February. The basketball topping requires a glance from time to time from November to April, then late April to early June requires laser like focus. At least until you lose the playoff topping. Then the piece goes stale way earlier and you will feel ill until next November.
Piece #6: Traffic. This is the “Papa Murphy’s piece”. You have to eat it in order to survive, but the whole time you are complaining at other people around you, wishing you were eating any other kind of pizza or food for that matter. It isn’t delivered, you have to do all the work, and it still tastes like cardboard. You are irritated the whole time eating it, you just want to listen to music, play on your phone or anything else that will help transport you away from this miserable experience…of eating pizza.
Piece #7: Television. The veggie piece. When all the other pizza of your life are grabbing your attention, and you just want to ignore them by just staring into space, but space isn’t available, or you are too lazy to walk outside to stare at it, television is your shrine. The television is the male version of going to a salon or the bathroom, or to any other place that women like to go and discuss things with their friends. It gives you numerous subjects to talk about (whatever the crap you are staring at), it is the great awkward silence obliterator, and it gives you some background noise for when you are using your laptop, or phone to play Candy Crush. Also, it is a way nap, but still seem like you are doing something. “Honey, are you taking a nap?”, “Nmn, nope just watching the President’s speech on important stuff…”. Time it takes from me: %10. Time it should take: 100%.
Piece #8: Video Games. Stuffed Crust. The piece you just can’t wait to eat, the tastiest piece, but the one you have to wait the longest for. When you taste them, they transport you to a world where all your worries are gone, except getting the coolest piece of swag, or the best sword or gun, or fighting the evilest of bosses. This piece could take up your whole life happily, but in the end is the most neglected. Time it takes from me: 10% Time it should take: 100%.
So if you are some sort of math major or someone that cares about stats, I’m sure you could tell there was way too many unimportant things taking away from the important. Let’s just say if I don’t get rid of the unimportant things, I’m going to be and extra burnt out pizza pie. So work, how about three days a week, 3 hours a day? Sounds bitter to me.
How about you? What kind of pizza is giving you heartburn? How many different slices is your pizza? Tell me about your bitter pizza.
Bitter Pizza Ben