When I was in my formative toy playing years (1973-1987 uh…2014), I was a huge, unapologetic Transformer fanboy. No need to be a hater or jealous. I would probably still have a Generation 1 Optimus Prime in mint condition in the box(worth $550 on ebay) had I not pulled Optimus Prime out of the box and if he was mine and not my brothers. I got the stupid Soundwave, who was a cassette player, that is two generations beyond even existing. What a useless Transformer he turned out to be. “Ooh, play that music really loud and it might distract me from shooting you with red laser beam that will transform you into an Ipod! At least you will be something useful!” My Transfomer dream came true when I went to the theater to see the first animated movie where Optimus Prime died (spoiler warning! Oh wait, are you supposed to do that before or after you reveal the spoiler? I always forget.) then proceeded to give the Matrix (the thingy inside his chest that gave the next person leadership) to Ultra Magnus that was just a white Optimus Prime with a car carrier instead a truck bed. Thankfully they didn’t stop there with the movies, which are awesome not only because they are super amped up slick graphiced versions of my favorite childhood toys, but because most everyone has seen them and almost everyone hates them. There is nothing like a movie that makes millions of dollars that almost everyone else hates (one hint who likes them: It’s me).
This weekend there is a movie coming out called The Lego Movie that everyone will like, but I will hate. It’s about a little toy that is a bunch of bricks that come unassembled for you to build. I know that some people loved Lego’s more than Transfomers but they are wrong. Lego’s suck and they make me bitter. Here’s why.
They come unassembled. If I wanted my toys to come unassembled, I would order a construction job in a box that included all the wood, metal, nails, tile, pool equipment, work permits, basketball hoops, deed to the house, concrete and other supplies needed to create my mansion, pool, basketball court, and man cave. It may not be near as fun as a Transformer, but at least you can live in it, unlike a Lego.
The unrealistic power of building something useful. Some say with Lego’s you can create anything that you make up your mind to build and some people have proven it. There are Lego creations built by people of life size dinosaurs, oversized cell phones, cars, Master Chief, and even breakfast. In the end, though, imagine all the wasted time, planning and money to create these things and all the do is sit in a mom’s basement. They can’t transform like a Transformer, or stare creepily at you like a Teddy Ruxpin. They can’t even have a two joint knee like a GI Joe. They just sit there, stuck to each other, imitating pixelated games from the 80’s.
The basic building block of legos is a square and a little circle in the middle to attach it to another lego. They can be built into all kinds of other things like Transformers, Marvel Characters, Disney, Barbie, even Simpson characters. Does that remind you of anything else that you hate? That’s right. A virus. A virus isn’t a square (that I know of, I mean it could be if I studied or did research on what a virus is), but isn’t a virus just a micro sized lego that wants to attach itself to something else and steal all of its ideas? Have you noticed there every being a Lego Lego set? No, because there is no such thing. Just a Lego version of everything else. There is no creativity at Lego, just a strong desire to steal everyone else’s ideas to make them harder work, to look blockier and be more useless.
They have shark edges. No, that isn’t a misprint. Sharp is a knife, a tack, or a shark’s tooth. Legos are as shark as the sharks whole mouth of teeth. “They” say that big things come in small packages, or that even the smallest action can make the biggest impact in the world. That has been the theme to countless book, movies, television shows and myths for ages. I think what all the storytellers think about whenever they talk about the huge impact something small can have, they think about a single Lego piece, hiding in your carpet, waiting like a Cheetah to pounce (except they are lazy and just sit there) for your foot in the dark, to make you scream and curse the day they ever invented the Lego with its shark edges.
I implore to find something else bitter to do this weekend. Do not see The Lego Movie. It will do its best to entice you to watch with promises of Lego Batman, Lego Superman, Lego Wonder Woman or Lego Morgan Freeman Voice as a Lego Narrator with a small Lego part, but in the end it will disappoint you with its story of “an ordinary person with no qualifications that will help save the Lego World”. If you mess with Legos, you will just leave the theatre and life, with the bitterness of someone who stepped on a Lego barefoot at midnight.
AAAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHHH (I stepped on a Lego!)
Bitter Lego Ben